Eye of the Tiger

Yes, I am referring to the Katy Perry song Roar. It might sound cheesy, but I am in love with this song and I feel like I can conquer anything when I hear it. The other day I was listening to it and I realized I am such a strong person (Not trying to toot my own horn or anything). I have been through so much in my short 22 years of life and I think I'm doing an okay job at living my life being the best I can be! I have been super stressed lately and emotional knowing that Harper's 1st birthday is lurking around the corner. As we all await this huge celebration I have come to realize my first year at mother hood is coming to an end. It has been such an amazing journey of learning. There have been tears, laughs, more tears, more laughs and even more tears. I think the year has been so trying on all of my relationships. It has been a year of learning who was truly there and who didn't really care. It made me appreciate others so much more, my parents especially. I have also noticed my priorities are completely different now.

Before, I would always put myself first before anyone. Now, Harper comes before anyone, including myself. I love that little girl more than life itself and I will do anything for her. She is my number 1 until the day I die. She has become my best friend. Harper is crazy! She already has an attitude problem and knows what she wants and how to get it! She's definitely not a baby anymore :( She is hilarious and smart too! I could go on and on about her all day.

I look at Harper sometimes when I put her down for bedtime and I think about how different life would be without her. I feel like my life would have no meaning. She just brings this light into my life that I cannot imagine living without it. It's because of Harper that I have to be thankful for all of my mistakes and all of the bad times in my life. Everything I have gone through has brought me to where I am today and I know it is exactly where I need to be.

I haven't posted in a while because I have been super busy! Work started and it's football season and to any cheer coach they know how busy I am. Next month will be full of firsts! My Harper is turning the big 1! and I start my first classes working towards my Bachelor's Degree. I am not looking forward to next month at all.

To me, next month will just confirm that my little 7 pound 14 ounce baby will be a big bad one year old who is WALKING btw! I have such mixed emotions about this. I am so excited because I love watching her grow and become a child and develop a personality and likes and dislikes, but I just wish she could stay this little forever. I love my morning cuddles and her sweet innocent smiles. Having Harper truly made me realize I need to cherish each moment.

I am also so nervous to go back to school. I have never gone to school as a mom. I don't know how I will split up my time evenly or how I will even focus on school work, but I know that going back to school is so important for me and for Harper. I want Harper to be able to see that her mom went to school and is successful and can provide for her with no problem. I want to give Harper the best of everything and without a college degree I know that will not happen. Speaking of being a good example to Harper, the latest struggle in the Hargadon-Kelly family is discipline. Harper has become this little hurricane of a baby and I don't even know how to begin to teach her no.

I want her to learn at a young age how to act because even though she is only 11 months old, I know that she understands me and what I say to her. I have always been big on having a well behaved and respectful child. I try teaching her no and I don't like that or I say "that's not ours" when she steals toys away from kids. I am a psych major so I know she has different developmental stages to go through and she probably doesn't understand why she shouldn't take toys away from someone, but she does need to understand that screaming at the top of her lungs for more food won't cut it with this momma. It's just hard figuring out how to teach these things to someone so young, but it can be done and I will do it. Definitely one of the first hard momma moments when you tell her no and she cries, with tears, and you have to stand your ground! So heartbreaking, but just like anything I do, I know it is what's best for her.

                                                       Our Sunday Funday last weekend!

                                                 Someone please tell me where my baby went??

                                                Such a diva! She loves sunglasses just like her mom :)

                                                                    Little Miss Attitude!

The Struggle

Sorry for another Vegas reference, but while we were there, my friends and I would constantly joke about the struggle of keeping up with each other in heels and drinking a lot. It was a fun kind of struggle. But, since being home I realized I do have a struggle that is very real and not as fun as drinking and dancing in Vegas.

I feel like this blog was going to happen eventually but I guess since coming home from vacation I've been in a funk and it was hard to get back into my routine. I feel like this is the most open and honest I will ever be on this blog and I don't really know why I feel so compelled to share on such a public medium, but everything happens for a reason. Here goes nothing!

100 pounds. It was such a huge thing for me to reach 100 pounds in high school, so huge that my friends and I even celebrated me making it to triple digits! I felt so accomplished and proud to not be the 80 something pound girl anymore. Right before I got pregnant, I weighed 109 pounds. I was working out every day and had my ideal body. I was so lucky and even though I complained about my body, looking back I was so blessed. I was in amazing shape and I could literally wear whatever I wanted and not have to worry about looking fat. During my pregnancy, I gained about 30-35 pounds putting me in the ball park of 140 pounds the day I delivered Harper. I was super healthy during my pregnancy minus the occasional chili cheese fries or big mac cravings. I ate a lot of fruits and vegetables and tofu. So according to the Dr. I gained the perfect amount of weight and had a super healthy, complication free pregnancy.

I had always missed my pre-pregnancy body while I was pregnant and couldn't weight until I could exercise again. I assumed I would be back at my perfect body right away. I was wrong. I had to wait 6 weeks before I could exercise after Harper was born and trying to schedule some gym time with a baby isn't the easiest thing in the world. Since I had nursed for a little bit, and since most of the weight was really the baby and placenta and all that other fun pregnant stuff most of the weight melted right off. But, there were those few extra pounds leaving me a little bigger than before.I tried getting back into my work out routine but it just seemed impossible with the baby and working and being exhausted. I became so unhappy with my body. I felt disgusting and fat and ugly. I don't really know where or when it happened it just felt like one day I woke up and thought I am so unattractive. I know most people look at me and think I'm crazy and I'm skinny but to me, I'm the biggest I have ever been and I honestly don't know how to take it.

Now that Harper is older, I try to find time once she goes to bed, but honestly after working all day and staying home with Harper I'm ready for bed at the same time she is. Being a mom and working out is a lot harder than I thought and the moms who make it work get huge kudos from me because I just can't seem to figure it out yet. I struggle daily with my body image. I hate looking in the mirror and I hate getting dressed. I feel like this huge, nasty person and I don't want to be me. I cry in the shower sometimes or sometimes I avoid looking in the mirror altogether. Other times I look in the mirror and pinch my fat wishing it would just go away. I struggle daily with being in my own skin. I try to eat as healthy as I can and I do work out occasionally when I can find time. I know the real solution is to accept my new body. The body that produced this beautiful little girl of mine. I know it takes time to lose your baby weight but I just feel like it's taking too long. It seems like it should be off by now. I hate it and I wish I could learn to accept it, but honestly I don't know if I can.

My insecurity has affected me in a lot of ways. It has hugely impacted my relationship with Gavin and I feel so bad about it, but I just can;t help it. He tells me daily that he thinks I'm beautiful and I don't believe him. I know I'm not what I was when we met. I know my body is different. It has also put a huge dent in my self confidence. I used to be able to walk around with my head held high and now, I catch myself staring at the ground hoping no one will notice me. I also notice I am not as outgoing or friendly as I used to be. I just don't want anyone to notice me and my fat.

I know some of you are thinking well just work out or go on a diet. Trust me, it isn't easy when you work and have a baby and are about to go back to school for your degree. I never have time to go to the gym and when I do, I honestly would rather pick sleep because I am exhausted.

I don't mean to sound miserable because I'm not. I love my daughter and fiance and all the fun we have and I absolutely LOVE my job and am super excited about going back to school. I know life could be worse for me, but there is just one part of me that I feel is holding me back. I hope and pray and wish for the day when I can look in a mirror and be happy with what I see again or at least to just see what everyone else sees in me. But for now, all I see is something I hate and am disgusted by.

I didn't write this as a pity party or as a way to fish for compliments. I wrote it because I am trying to make my blog as real as possible and to show all aspects of being a mom. I also wrote it as a reminder to never judge a book by its cover. People can look at me and Harper and Gavin and think my world is perfect, in some ways, to me, it is and in other ways, it is completely broken.

What happens in Vegas...

For those of you that follow me on instagram know that I just went on a 5 day trip with my friends to Vegas! It was so much fun and I had an awesome time, but I am definitely glad to be home with my family. I missed Harper and Gavin so much and I have never felt closer to either of them! I'm sure you're wondering why I am talking about my Vegas trip when it has nothing to do with Harper. Well even though everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas there is something that did not stay in Vegas and that was a lesson I learned from a douchebag bouncer. I am very passionate about this lesson, so please excuse my language.

One of the nights we were in Vegas, we wanted to get into a club that we knew were going to get in for free at, but we just had to talk to the person who promised that. So, when they did not answer the phone we went up to the security guard/bouncers and tried to explain the situation. There was one that was super nice and had no problem with us, but this other asshole decided to be rude to us and start making unnecessary comments about us being 22. He told us we were self centered and I made a comment about knowing the world does not revolve around me because I am a mom and nothing is about me. He then proceeded to tell me my daughter was self centered too and he knew that for a fact. I immediately became upset. At first, I was crying because how can some idiot man talk crap about my baby girl he knows nothing about? We ended up walking away and halfway down the escalator, I turned into mama lion mode and was pissed! So, Amanda (shout out to her for deciding to speak up!) went to find a manager who then asked us to show her who he was. Long story short, we confronted the asshole who tried to play dumb. I have never been more fear less of a huge man in my life. I wanted to punch this man in the face, kick him in the shins, anything to hurt him like he hurt me. How dare he talk about my innocent daughter?! ughh just thinking about it still gets me worked up!

So what's the lesson I learned? Well, I learned a few.

First, I learned that your motherly instincts aren't all about knowing when something is wrong, but also knowing to protect your child(ren). The way I felt when I was yelling at that man was so crazy. I didn't care what would happen to me, all I cared about was defending my daughter. The courage and strength I had came out of nowhere. I mean, I love my friends to death, but if he would have left it at calling us self centered and stuff I would not have spoken up. But, for my Harper I would have done anything. I never knew what it felt like to be willing to take a bullet for anyone until now. It amazes me how willing I was to do whatever it took to make sure he knew he was wrong!

Second, I learned that this wasn't the last time I will have to defend my daughter. I know throughout life Harper will have many conflicts and problems in life and it is my job as her mom to be there and protect and defend her. We all know girls are catty and as much as I wish I could, I know I can't stop things from happening to Harper; I can't put her in a bubble. But, knowing that I am strong enough to be there for her is so comforting.

Lastly, I learned that I needed to understand hurting that man would not have been the answer. Yes, I would have felt so good knowing this guy was in pain, but that's not what I would want Harper to learn. I would have wanted her to stand up for herself of course, but not to stoop to the other person's level. Children will repeat what we do and the more I think about the more I realize how proud Harper would have been to know that I stood up for her and didn't get ghetto even though I wanted to so badly!!

Some of you may think I am over reacting and that's fine, but once you understand or if you have kids I am sure you would have done the same thing.

I also realized that I am slowly moving into a different stage of my life. I had an amazing trip and did some crazy things, but being home felt so much better. I am so happy to be home with my two best friends, Gavin and Harper, and I wouldn't mind if I never went on another trip ever again. I don't want to do things without them. The entire trip I found myself thinking "Gavin would love this" or "Harper would have so much fun here" I realize my family is the most important thing and I don't want to experience things without sharing it with them. As Harper gets older I feel myself actually forming a true friendship with her. We laugh and play and I know she actually can comprehend what's happening now and it was what I missed the most about being home.

I am so lucky though to have been able to go. My amazing fiance held down the fort while I was gone and made sure everything was going smoothly so I didn't have to worry. I truly am so lucky to have him in my life! Being away for so long truly opened my eyes to that and I have never enjoyed cuddling with him so much in my life!

I felt like some people judged me for leaving Harper for so long and thought I was a bad mom, but I think I deserved a little vacation. Being a mom doesn't mean I have to stay cooped up all day and not do anything. When I became a mom I didn't turn into some boring old lady. I think some people think that being parents means not interacting with other people. I can't do that. I need to have real adult conversations and do my own thing and Gavin and I need time for ourselves to strengthen our relationship as a couple. So, if you thought I was a bad mom for going to Vegas, I disagree. Honestly, I think it was just what I needed because I feel refreshed and my relationship with Gavin seems stronger.

Vegas didn't just leave me with hangovers and amazing nights, but it also gave me a new outlook on being a mom and soon to be wife as well as lessons I needed to learn. So, not everything that happens in Vegas needs to stay in Vegas :)

                                                Saying Good-Bye at the aiport was horrible! 
                                                        (Hence my fake smile)

                                             At our favorite club in Vegas!  

                                              Harper playing with the light stick I brought home for her and wearing her Vegas shirt! Being reunited was the best feeling ever!