My Journey as a new mama..again.

It's been a hot minute since I have updated this blog. That's what happens when life happens! We've got 4 kiddos running around and 2 kittens! It gets a little hectic and by the end of the day, I'm just as ready for bed as the kids. Bryan and I have gotten married since my last post and if you follow me on Instagram then you obviously know we added a precious little peach to the family as well. Today, October 10, is World Mental Health day and that is what motivated me to FINALLY update the blog.

So why did I pick world Mental Health day as the day to motivate me? Three words: Post Partum Depression.

May 17, 2016 at 4:22 p.m. with my husband by my side, Georgia Peyton McDonald made her big debut. 8 pounds 7 ounces and 19 and a half inches long, this precious girl came out after a mere 3 pushes! (Thank baby Jesus!) Our birth story is nothing special...actually pretty basic. The pregnancy was healthy and although the 40 weeks started to come to a slow end, everything went well. We did have a minor  MAJOR scare when a midwife told me there was an irregularity in her heartbeat and I needed to get a more detailed ultrasound done at Duke. (Um..what the actual eff????) We didn't tell anyone because we wanted to wait to make sure she wasn't trippin...she was. [insert eye roll emoji here] One thing you should never do is scare a pregnant mom with something as serious as a heartbeat! I can only joke about it now because after that, anyone who listened to her heart told us there was no way anything could have been wrong with her, and there wasn't. Anyways, like I said, the pregnancy started to feel very long and I kept having false labor pains at around 36 weeks. They were so close together and I was so uncomfortable there was no way they were false, but apparently I couldn't tell the difference..whatevs. Finally, we were able to be induced at exactly 40 weeks because I was basically in tears every night from these "false" labor pains. The morning of the induction, I actually started going into labor on my own. I also tested positive for strep B so I had to have an antibiotic before she was born so I wouldn't pass it on to her. Funny thing is I'm allergic to penicillin and they tried to give me something for people like me who are allergic to penicillin but I still had an allergic reaction to it that made me feel like the inside of my body was on fire and I was itching like a mad woman. My water eventually broke on it's own and after a quick nap, I woke up with the urge to push. 3 pushes later, there she was. My sweet, beautiful Georgia peach. I held her for 45 minutes before they took her to be measured and weighed. Those 45 minutes were amazing. Just me and my girl being able to bond. I had wanted the same with Harper but they immediately took her away once she was born so it was nice to experience it with Georgia. Those 2 days in the hospital were pure bliss. Just baby, me and Bryan enjoying our time together as a new family and getting to know our new precious baby. I knew what having a new born entailed, it was my second go around so I knew exactly how it would be once we got home and I would be fine, right? Wrong. 100% wrong.

The first few days home were good. Georgia was and still is a good sleeper so that wasn't a problem. The normal after baby stuff was happening...bleeding, leaking boobs and more bleeding. I actually had a better and easier time recovering with Georgia then I did with Harper so we walked everyday and hung out at home and really cherished our time together before Bryan went back to work (He had paid family leave which was AMAZING). A few weeks later, I started to feel different. There was no other way to describe it. It felt like I was outside of my body watching myself go through the motions of everyday. I started to feel really sad and hopeless about everything and nothing at all. I started to worry about little things and just blamed it on hormones. I started to cry everyday at least once a day..usually twice a day. I lost myself. I felt so out of control and overwhelmed. It was a scary feeling since I felt like I was supposed to be happy..after all I did just have the cutest baby ever!

At first, I suffered alone. I didn't tell anyone, not even Bryan. I would just cry in the bathroom or on the couch when he was at work and just stay lost in my mind. I soon became disconnected and distracted from everything around me. I eventually told Bryan and he did his best to be there for me, but it was something I couldn't just blame on hormones anymore. I remember one time, in the middle of all the kids running around and the chaos that is our life I just sat there, staring into space so uninterested in what was going on. Instead I was wishing I was in bed, asleep and alone. Away from everyone, my family, my kids...my life. There were days I would cry to Bryan about how I hoped I didn't wake up the next day or how I wanted to just never leave the bed ever again.  Along with those feelings came the feelings of body image. I am at the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I just felt like who I was completely vanished. I never showered or brushed my hair unless I absolutely had to, I struggled to get up and basically live my life everyday. It was no joke.  I felt like I had no purpose in life and that I would never be able to do anything with my life. Although the pregnancy was healthy, in the beginning I was so sick, like hospitalized more than once sick, that I had to quit my job. Being able to work and help support my family means a lot to me so not working also took a huge toll on me. The feeling of hopelessness I felt is something I can never explain in words. It was such an out of body experience for me. Looking back I still feel like I was watching a movie rather than living through it.

I can't say I am 100% okay now, and I don't know when I will be, but I do know that I wouldn't have made it to where I am now without my amazing husband and his strong, unwavering love and support for me. He held me when I cried, he reassured me I did have a purpose and that I was beautiful no matter what and although I never believed him, those words gave me strength.  I didn't share this story because I want sympathy, because trust me, I never want sympathy. But I do want other people, mom's especially, to know that it is okay to not be ok. I think as moms we always feel the need to be this glue to hold everyone together. Although that is true, that cannot happen if we aren't the best version of ourselves. I am not afraid to admit that right now, I do need a little extra love and support. I do have tough days still, but I also have the support system I need to get through. I love being a mom and I would do anything for my kids, whenever I'm having a bad day, I look at Georgia and see her smile and I know that if anything else, she is my purpose. She is my reason to stay strong. My kids are my purpose, and I will try my hardest each and every day to be the best mom I can be for them.

Changing and Growing

It's been just about a year since I moved to North Carolina and I cannot believe how much has changed just in this short year. There's been a lot of big changes, like a new job, new relationships, new apartment, learning to co-parent, the list can go on. One of the changes that has been hardest for me is parenting a toddler. It feels almost like I am a new mom all over again!

Harper will be 3 in September, so she is a little over two and a half years old now. She is a whole new person! She can have actual conversations about things and she has her own likes and dislikes now. It's been a challenge learning to deal with new things..it used to be diapers and bottles and now it's public restrooms and sippy cups. I feel like as soon as I was getting used to and comfortable with baby Harper she went and turned into a toddler! She throws tantrums now too which is also a really hard thing to deal with, especially in public.

I swear Harper is 2 going on 16 sometimes, with the way she talks and acts. She likes to dress herself, too which is a little tough for me because I am somewhat of a control freak. I think I am definitely learning that motherhood is a constantly changing thing. They go from one phase to the next in the blink of an eye and it feels as though you start over every time. You have to learn to adapt and grow to the newest version of this little person.

It's always a learning experience...for me, that means learning to get over my disgust for public restrooms ( I can probably say I have been in more public restrooms now, than in my entire life). It's like this rite of passage for toddlers to go into every restroom they see! I have also learned to be more patient. When Harper starts throwing a fit, it's so easy to just lose it and yell at her but I have been learning to just talk to her and explain things to her. She has also learned what pushes my buttons, so we have this constant battle of who will lose it first. (Hopefully not a sign of the future!)

All of these little things are, in my opinion, inevitable parts of motherhood. Pretty soon it will be pre-school and learning to be part of sports teams and before I know it, high school! It feels like Harper turned 2 and everything just went into hyper speed! Everyday she is changing and growing and turning into the most beautfiul, smart, sassy little girl and I couldn't be more proud to be her mother.

A change that we have both experienced a little more recently and isn't as typical for everyone is the separation of her dad and me, as well as the addition of my boyfriend into her life. Co-parenting has it's challenges and isn't always easy, but I can see the benefits of it in Harper, which makes it all worth it.

Harper has also built such an incredible bond with Bryan. Their relationship took time, but it was all built on her time and her terms which makes it that much better. He is the most amazing person I have ever met and I have never, ever been in such an amazing spot in my life. To know that my daughter can accept this man in my life makes my heart so full and happy.

I have found such an amazing partner, teammate, best friend, and support system in him. He has shown me nothing but love from day 1. I have never laughed so hard or smiled so big as I do when I am with him. I know that everything happens for a reason and it was no accident that we met.

When I moved to NC a year ago, I never thought I could be this happy here. I was so unhappy and hated it here, I was in such a bad place...but I am so happy I kept pushing through and trusted that everything would fall into place. Here I am with a new, full time job, a beautiful little apartment, an amazing man by my side and most importantly, the HAPPIEST, HEALTHIEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL little girl. People always told me to do what made me happy, but I was so afraid of what that meant for Harper...who knew that when I actually took the chance and did what made me happy, it would in turn, make Harper just as happy. I thank God everyday for placing me here in NC..I have come so far in just one year, I can't wait to see what our future in NC holds!

Home

I've lived in NC for 9 months now, and boy has it been a roller coaster. When I first moved here, I was scared and excited and homesick all in one. As the months went on, I went back and forth from loving it to hating it then back to loving it. I was far away from home and everything that made me comfortable. At the time, it felt like the worst thing ever, but looking back now, this move was the biggest blessing in disguise I have ever received.

When you are thousands of miles away from the people you love and are your support system, it changes you. I suddenly had to look deep inside myself for who I was and what I wanted because I didn't have my family and friends there with me everyday.I think I have talked before about growing a backbone and learning to be more dependent. But I was also learning a lot more about myself. I can't say if I actually learned anything or if I was just finally realizing what I had been denying for a long time...I wasn't happy.
I felt like I had just been settling and doing what I had to do because it was what everyone else had told me was right or what I had to do.

I was just going through these motions everyday, making sure to put up this front about being happy so no one would be upset and I wouldn't hurt anyone, but in reality I was hurting the most important person...myself. My best friends knew how I felt and they always reminded me that I deserved to be happy and I needed to put myself and Harper first, and they constantly reminded me that they would always love and support me (which they still do everyday and I am so blessed to have such an amazing group of girls to not only call my friends, but sisters).

Sometimes in life, things happen. Everything that happens is for a reason, and sometimes at the time it doesn't make sense, but God works in such a mysterious way and he knows exactly what he's doing. I finally decided it was time to let it go and do what I wanted to do and make myself happy. I dug deep down inside and saw that this unhappy me wasn't only bad for myself but also for Harper. In the end, I am the only one who can give my daughter a happy mother who loves life. I know that Harper can see a difference in who I am as a person and that right there is enough for me to know that I made the right decisions for myself.

I'm not going to put my whole story out there because the people who are important to me, already know. My point to this post is simple...sometimes you have to let go of what's holding you down and move on. I think people are so used to just staying where they are and settling for what they know instead of doing what they want. Whatever it is, you need to follow your heart. Your heart and your instinct always know what they want. It's definitely scary taking that leap of faith and not knowing the outcome, but if it's in your heart there is a reason and you just have to trust that it was placed there for a reason. I accepted the fact that I was truly unhappy and I followed my heart and I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been. Its a happiness I have never felt.

Not everyone agrees with my choices, but the people who matter most to me support me and are happy for me. "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind".

My life is nothing like I expected it to be when I moved here, but I could not be happier. I never thought I would say NC is home, but now after a long 9 month roller coaster ride, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. I'm finally home.

Two going on twenty...

Harper turned two a few weeks ago and I still can't believe it. I feel like we just brought her home from the hospital yesterday. I will never forget that day, it was one of the hottest days of the year and we lived in a tiny, (kind of) ghetto apartment that was hotter inside than outside. Gavin and I stopped at Jack in the Box on the way home (who really does that??) because I was starving and the hospital food didn't cut it. We got home and we immediately realized it was way too hot for the baby so Gavin went to his parent's house to pick up a fan. When he left, I remember sitting there watching this new, sweet little girl sleeping in her bassinet with her blue onesie with brown and pink polka dots and her hospital bracelets still on her ankle. That's when it hit me, I was alone with this baby and I had no idea what to do. I was so scared because it was just me and her, no nurses and no Gavin to help me. Granted, Gavin was gone all of 20 minutes, but as a new mom I was terrified! My feet swelled so bad because I immediately tried to do laundry and clean, but I was quickly reminded to rest. Those first few weeks were such a blur of visitors and sleeping and sadly, not too many showers...but then I fast forward to today, and Harper and I are seriously the same person. I can't believe I was ever afraid and clueless as to what to do because today, I know her like the back of my hand and it has only been two short years (The best two years nonetheless).

I started working at Target (don't ask how I like it...) and Harper has started daycare. I work almost 40 hours a week and I either open or close, so I am usually at work 8-4 or 4-10:30 meaning I don't get to stay home all day with Harper anymore. I know I was so excited to go back to work, but it's not the work I wanted and my heart breaks a little every time Harper says "stay with me mom" and it breaks a little more when she more than happily marches off to daycare like the big, brave girl I have tried my hardest to raise her to be. I am so proud of her for being so independent and trusting that mommy and daddy will always be there to pick her up, but it's a sad reminder that pre-school is around the corner and I don't know if I am ready for that. Right before we started our new routine of Harper at daycare and mommy at work I was holding her in my lap and I just lost it, I was crying like a baby because my baby isn't a baby anymore and Harper said "what's wrong mom?" when I told her I was sad because she was growing up so fast she kissed my face and said "it's okay mom" which still brings tears to my eyes now! I think the tears are a mix of proud and sad tears. I always knew my daughter would be smart, strong, kind, understanding and independent because I knew that's how I wanted to raise her, but to see her already embody so much of that at just two is amazing. She is truly a gift from God.

Harper is a little chatter box and once she's comfortable around you, she will never stop talking. She has the funniest mannerisms and says the cutest things. She is obsessed with make up and jewelry but she loves bugs and Spider man too. We went to the pumpkin patch on Saturday and we couldn't leave the house until she was done with her make-up which consists of putting my concealer on her leg and then using my bare minerals, which I pretend to put in the lid and give her the brush and she swirls and taps the brush and puts it all over her face, and mine and sometimes even Gavin (if he's lucky). She also needed her bracelets and ring. We bought her a bunch of the little girl jewelry at Claire's for her birthday because she always wants to wear my rings and other jewelry. She also needs her purse and phone before we leave and if it's too bright we can't forget her sunglasses! She's definitely my mini me and Gavin and I always joke that I have created a monster (ok, we half joke because it's so true).

I love Harper at this age because she is like a little person that I can have conversations with and she is like a sponge and just absorbs everything we say and do. I have to say that because of this, it has helped put me in check about how I act and what I say. Sometimes, we aren't so lucky and she absorbs the wrong things...the other day Harper was doing something and she almost tripped and she looked at me and said "oh, shit! I almost fall down!" I had to laugh because it was so unexpected and to hear that come out in her little voice was the cutest thing. But then I told her to not say that and to say oh my gosh and she quickly responded with "look at her butt". (Who is this child? and Who are her parents?!) Either way, I think it's funny and I won't pretend to be that mom who doesn't say bad words or have bad days because I do and Harper hears and sees. I try my best to watch my mouth around her, but face it, no one is perfect.

I just can't believe my baby is two and her attitude is going on 20 for sure. She brings me so much joy and I am so blessed she has come into our lives. Gavin and I have been through so much since we found out I was pregnant and I see Harper's birthday as not only another year of life for Harper, but also a reminder of how far we have come. I celebrate Harper's birth and the accomplishments of Gavin and I as parents. We've seen days where we had absolutely no money for anything but a few groceries, we've been on government assistance programs, we've had our fair share of fights over the stress, we've lived on our own and then back with his parents. But then I see us today, on Harper's 2nd birthday doing better than okay. We finally have our own place, we both have jobs, we have more than enough food, Harper is the happiest little girl and has never known what it is like to go without and our relationship is growing stronger and stronger each day. I remember when I was pregnant thinking "how are we gonna make it?" but faith, love and family and friends have helped us get where we are today. I don't think our parents will ever understand how grateful we are to them. I honestly have no idea where we would be if it wasn't for them. Because of them, I know what it means to really be there for your children and I plan to be there for Harper just as my parents and Gavin's parents were there for us. As for Harper Kelly,

Harper,
You are the light of my world. I have never known a love as strong or as deep as the love I have for you. The best part of everyday is watching you grow and learn. I love watching you run around outside, listening to you sing, I love when you do my make up or paint daddy's nails. I love how caring you are and how worried you get for babies when they cry. I love how you wait your turn and want to share with everyone you see. I love when you grab my face and kiss me at night and I love the way yo say I Lub you mommy. I love everything about you baby girl. You will forever be my lovebug, my hoppa, my Harper Kelly. I promise to always love and support anything you want to do. You will always have a friend in me. Mommy loves you so much and I hope one day you can see that everything I do, is for you. I promised to give you the best childhood and life and I hope one day you can look back and say that you did. You will go far my bug and I will be there every step of the way. Don't ever lose your spunk. I love you more than you will ever know!
Mommy

Hello from NC!

It's been a long while since I have posted! Life has been pretty crazy lately. We are finally settling into North Carolina and I am loving it! I think I can speak for Harper when I say she does too. It is such a different world here. People are so friendly, things are so clean and well taken care of and there is so much to do! We live in a town called Cary and people joke that it is called Containment Area for Relocated Yankees because there are so many people, who like us, have been relocated to NC for work. I am in love with this place though, and everything about it. The food is amazing! Even though I do miss Santa Maria style BBQ i have to say southern BBQ is slowly winning my heart. And the sweet tea! I am obsessed with sweet tea and go through a gallon a week (I know, it's pathetic) and living here is amazing because literally you can find it anywhere!

I love NC for other reasons besides the food though. One of those reasons is just being out of my comfort zone. I had always had a desire to live in Georgia and live a southern life-style, so NC is close enough ;) Seeing what is outside of the small town of Santa Maria has been truly amazing. I have also had to learn to be independent. I am such a mommy's girl and I go to my mom for everything! So being across the country from each other has been hard, but I think it was necessary. I have grown my own back bone I think and am slowly learning how to do things without calling mom first (even though I talk to her literally everyday still). I definitely miss having the support and help from all of our family and friends and being able to see everyone whenever we wanted, but being on our own has definitely strengthened our little family unit.

Gavin and I have also learned a lot about each other I think as well. As with any relationship there are bumps in the road and now that we are here in a state where we literally only have each other to have adult conversations with, (because face it, talking Barney and Caillou with a two year old all day makes you want to talk politics every once in a while) has really strengthened us as parents and as a couple. We have learned how to communicate so much better and have learned to truly be there for one another. I'm not saying we didn't do this before, but being all alone really takes your relationship to a different level of maturity. After being apart for so long, since Gavin moved months before Harper and I did, and then Harper and I took a 3 week vacation back to California recently, I think Harper really enjoys it, too. I have to say I really think it brought us back to our relationship and friendship we had when we first started dating, which is almost 6 years ago! I feel old haha

Although NC has been amazing and I can only see it getting better there has been some issues. One big thing is the HEAT! Can you say 90% humidity at 7 a.m.?? My hair hates it. But if that's really the only big complaint we have then we are pretty blessed. I'm also very directionally challenged and it took me almost 3 years to learn my way around my own home town, so I'll let you figure out exactly how finding my way around town is going...

I am still looking for a job because the school district here has a different hiring procedure, so while I am waiting I have been staying home with Harper. The only way I can describe this is, in all honesty, shit show. I will not even pretend or sugar coat it. Granted, it's not always a shit show, but usually I am ready for a marg (or 3) by the time Gavin gets home. Harper is about 75% potty trained and is also about to turn 2. Together, this makes for a crazy naked baby running around most of the day. She is seriously the funniest, spunkiest (is that a word?) most feisty little thing ever and I love it! She is really into singing and dancing right now and her favorite songs are: stay with me, Fancy, and Are you Gonna Kiss me or not. If you follow me on IG I am sure you saw the video of her dancing to Fancy in the car. She is really camera shy so anytime I try to get her on video she usually stops. I tried to capture her singing Stay with Me at the top of her lungs at Cold Stone but of course she stopped.

Other than singing, Harper usually runs around naked and when I try to tell her to get dressed she says no and runs away. She also is very independent so trying to get her to do anything with my help is pretty much impossible. We have implemented time outs which have helped and we've had to really cut out any sugar from her diet because she is super sensitive to sugars. Even the smallest amount results in a crazy child. Being a stay at home mom is no joke. It is so hard for me. It's not only hard because I am home all day with no one to really talk to besides Harper and it's hard to do a million things at once with no extra hands but it's also hard because I like to work. I like to feel like I am contributing to my family. I am in no way saying stay at home moms do not contribute because I know we do, I personally have always liked working and being able to help financially support my family. Gavin has been amazing about helping me with this and supporting me. He knows how hard it is on me at times and he lets me sleep in one morning during the weekend or he will offer to take Harper to the park so I can shower or even just eat in peace.

Being away from home has been a huge positive experience for not only for us as a family, but I think it has also helped me see who is truly important in my life. When you are away from home it is so easy to lose connections and contact with people because we are all busy and wrapped up in our own daily lives, but it has also strengthened a lot of my relationships at home. My best friend Lindsey is amazing. She has been there for me since day one and I could never put into words are grateful I am to have her in my life as well as Harper's. We usually talk every other day if not every day, and when we do she always reminds me of her support and love for us and what I am doing for my family. It's always nice to hear that the people you love support your decisions and see that you are trying to create a stable, healthy future for yourself and most importantly my daughter.

Like I mentioned before, I talk to my mom every day. You never truly appreciate your parents until you become one. Since I moved, my relationship with my mom has become more of a friendship. She is always there for me when I have a rough day and she reminds me to laugh. I know it is so hard for her to be so far away from me Harper, but I love that she still supports me and reminds me that she is always there. The move has also strengthened my relationship with both my brother Vinny and my sister Lauryn. We have always been close, but now that we don't see each other everyday, we appreciate each other a little more. They always have my back and I always have theirs. I miss everyone so much everyday, but I feel like I am meant to be here in NC. There is so many more opportunities for me as far as school and work goes as well as for Harper. I think growing up here will be the best thing for Harper.

We're getting ready for a visit from Gavin's family soon as well as a trip to Myrtle Beach! Harper's SECOND birthday is coming (What??? when did this happen?) and I cannot wait. Overall, I just want to thank everyone who has supported and been there for us since we have moved. I know I only mentioned Lindsey, but obviously Amanda, Kiersten and Julie you guys are just as amazing and I love you all! This move has been the hardest, most trying thing I have had to do and it is amazing to see how happy people are for us and how excited everyone is for us. It truly means a lot to us and hopefully we will be able to take a family vacation home to CA to visit soon :)

The Red Tunnel

I haven't posted in a long time and like always it's just because I have been so busy with my new toddler in the house and not my baby. It was a sad day when I realized I didn't have a baby, but a toddler. A wild, crazy little girl who is such a dare devil and has such a zest for life already. She is so willing to try anything and do anything and she is so brave! She gets scared and hesitates but that never stops her. It is so inspiring to see her get over her fears and try new things and it is also a very proud mommy moment when that happens. She was afraid of going down the big slide at the park by herself and had to hold someone's hand the whole way down for a while, then one day I told her "you can do it, you're a big girl remember?" and she nodded and said "yeah" and looked down at the slide and I waited at the bottom and she went for it. The pride on her face after that was enough to bring tears to my eyes. It's amazing how something so simple can bring so much happiness to my heart. Another thing, most recently, was a pop up tunnel thing at day care. The kids were all going through it and being rowdy and it was obvious Harper was super nervous to crawl all the way through. So I said "come on, you can do it" and I went to the other side and told her I would be there to get her and she went through! After that she loved it. It was then that I realized, even though Harper is brave, it is her trust in me that gets her to do these things.

What an amazing responsibility and honor it is to be a mom. This child puts all of her trust in me to do what is best for her and to protect her. I never imagined being a mom would be like this. It is so much fun, especially at the age Harper is at right now. She is so funny and learns new things literally every day. It is also so hard because as a mom, or even just a parent, it is your job to shape this person into who they will become. You have to be the example of who you want them to become. I have always heard the expression "do as I say, not as I do" but in all reality, children do whatever you do. I didn't know how true this was until now. Harper is learning to talk and she repeats any words said. Gavin and I sometimes have mouths like a sailor and it is such a bad habit and it's even worse now that we have a mini me willing to repeat anything she hears! Sometimes I don't even think about it, like one time I was carrying her and bumped my leg on something and said "Oh shit!" and low and behold Harper, without skipping a beat said shit. It's an immediate reminder that she will become who I am. It's a sobering thought and it really makes you re evaluate who you are as a person. It is because of Harper I strive to be a better person everyday.

I love my daughter with every ounce of my being. I want to do the best for her every chance I get. I was talking to Gavin the other day about how stressful and scary it was when we first found out we were having a baby. It felt like the world was ending and I was never going to be able to do anything right as a mom! I didn't know what to do...then when she came home from the hospital that feeling came back again. It's scary to think about raising someone as your own. It's scary to think you go from calling your mom or dad when you're stressed or scared to being the person that gets called on. I have to be the brave one now. I have to be the one who holds her hand when she's scared, or hold her when she's sick. I am the rock to my little girl and it is so hard and scary but I never would have thought I would be as strong as I am today because of it. Especially looking back, I can't help but laugh at how scared I was. It's like I've always been a mom to Harper. Even though she is constantly changing and I still have to figure out when to discipline, when to let go and when to step in I think I am getting the hang of things.

One thing that I have definitely learned since having Harper is to be who I want to be. I recently got a tattoo of an arrow and I got that tattoo for several reasons. My favorite song is Follow your Arrow by Kacey Musgraves because the message she is sending is so true. No matter what, people will judge you and have something to say, so just do what you want to do. I also got it because in life, just like an arrow, you have to go backwards to go forward. You pull an arrow back to launch it forward. Looking back, all of the times I learned the best lessons and was the strongest was right after I was knocked down by something else. And lastly, I am at such a crossroads in life right now. I got a little off track with my relationship and my responsibilities. I wanted to be who I was before I was a mom and fiance. I quickly realized my family is my number one and I am so embarrassed to admit that, but sometimes you have to step back to see how important what you have truly is. I think I was just scared about our big move coming up and wanted to find a way to stay here in my comfort zone. Then I remembered the whole reason we decided to go for this was for Harper. If I didn't go because of my own selfish reasons I would be a horrible mom and be a disappointment to myself and Harper. I can't let my little girl down.

So, with that being said May is the month when I will leave my California home and move to North Carolina. We're hoping for May 1 or anytime close to that. Gavin will be going first on March 23 and I will finish up a few more weeks of work. I am excited to see what adventures North Carolina has to offer our family. Hopefully I will get my credential and Harper will get a baby brother or sister! It is bittersweet thinking about not being able to show Harper all the things Gavin and I did growing up here in Santa Maria, or showing her our high school and where our relationship started and of course we will be leaving our families and friends behind, but I am excited to form new memories that only our little family will share. We can start our own traditions and create our own special spots around town.

Life has a crazy way of working itself out. Even though we never know what will happen next there are some things I am absolutely positive of. Prayer is the most powerful thing ever. I have been praying and talking to God constantly, and turning to him for guidance and trusting in him and even though I was a little lost, He led me right to where I needed to be. I also am positive that being a mom is the best thing to ever happen to me. I just wish everyone could walk in my shoes for a day to understand the feeling I have about being a mom. It's like my heart is always about to explode with happiness. Nothing ever seems so bad because I just feel so lucky and blessed, especially to have Harper as my daughter. I know she was meant to be mine because she keeps me on my toes and has taught me so much. She is so smart and beautiful and amazing and funny. She's simply the best. I absolutely love my little diva.

Out with the old, in with the new.

It's nap time and I am sitting here eating my new obsession of strawberry granola and Dr. pepper. Moments like this are few and far between. I cherish them just as much as every moment with Harper. As I sit here, I realized it's New Year's Eve! Holy crap where did the year go? 2013 was overall a good year. Harper turned one, she learned to walk, we went to Palm Springs, we took her to Spring Training in Arizona, I got an amazing job with the school district, I strengthened a few friendships and even lost a few. Whenever a new year is about to start, everyone claims this next year will be the best, that they will change and do things different. I hate that. You shouldn't have to wait for a new year to start a new you, to better yourself or to make a change. Even though I hate it, I find myself making a list of things I want to do in 2014.

As I look ahead to 2014, I get scared. There are so many new things happening in the next year that I don't really know if I am ready for, but I have no choice but to face them head on. I also am excited because there will be many new exciting things happening too! The biggest change next year will be the fact that we will be living across the country in a whole new city. It's scary to not know what will happen or how it will be, but I am so excited to experience a whole new place. Another big change is our wedding. Although we still don't have a new date set, it will most likely be in March. It's crazy to think I will finally be a Mrs. Along with these two big things which are pretty much obvious big changes, there are some other changes that Gavin and I are planning.

We are hoping to give Harper a baby brother or sister in 2014 or at least become pregnant in 2014. I cannot wait for her to be a big sister. I am also excited to just have another little baby around again. I feel like Harper is still young, but I swear she is one going on 20! She is so sassy and smart. I am so amazed at how much she knows and understands. She talks so much now. She says no so clearly now and just sits there and says no, no, no over and over. She also says dink which means drink and peas which is please. She also has her own variations of thank you, mine, paci, night night, help, ow, soda and food. She has also taken up an interest in the potty. Not sure if I am ready for that or not. The other day, she pooped and when I told her to come to the changing table to get changed she went to the bathroom and said sit and pointed to the toilet! I wasn't sure what to do, but I sat her down and told her to go potty. She obviously had no idea what to do but I couldn't believe she knew what the toilet was! Later that day she went to the bathroom and said sit again but she had a dry diaper so I thought, this is it and was ready to cry when she sat on the toilet, but again she didn't go. I think she will get it soon though. It scares me to think about how fast she is growing up.

Another thing that will happen in 2014 is full blown toddler stage. My baby truly isn't a baby anymore. She will turn 2!! This cannot happen. She needs to stay little forever. I am excited for her second birthday though because we are taking her to Disney World in Florida! I know that this will be my favorite memory with her for 2014.

I also will hopefully be finishing school. It's been a real struggle, but I know I need to finish school for my family's sake. Hopefully it will go as planned.

I know there are many things that will happen in 2014 that I am not planning for or expecting, but that's okay. Something I learned this year, which is super hard for me, is to just let things go and accept them as they are. I have been trying to really not stress myself out over little things and I still struggle with it, but I am hoping 2014 will help me to continue to learn how to just go with the flow.

I am a big lyric freak and I love to find songs that I feel fit my mood or situation. I think the perfect song for 2014 for me, is called Brave by Sarah Bareilles. I think it is perfect for everyone. We all need to just say what we want to say, and show the world how big our brave is. Happy New Year everyone! From my family to yours.

I couldn't end a post without pictures of Harper!!