The Red Tunnel

I haven't posted in a long time and like always it's just because I have been so busy with my new toddler in the house and not my baby. It was a sad day when I realized I didn't have a baby, but a toddler. A wild, crazy little girl who is such a dare devil and has such a zest for life already. She is so willing to try anything and do anything and she is so brave! She gets scared and hesitates but that never stops her. It is so inspiring to see her get over her fears and try new things and it is also a very proud mommy moment when that happens. She was afraid of going down the big slide at the park by herself and had to hold someone's hand the whole way down for a while, then one day I told her "you can do it, you're a big girl remember?" and she nodded and said "yeah" and looked down at the slide and I waited at the bottom and she went for it. The pride on her face after that was enough to bring tears to my eyes. It's amazing how something so simple can bring so much happiness to my heart. Another thing, most recently, was a pop up tunnel thing at day care. The kids were all going through it and being rowdy and it was obvious Harper was super nervous to crawl all the way through. So I said "come on, you can do it" and I went to the other side and told her I would be there to get her and she went through! After that she loved it. It was then that I realized, even though Harper is brave, it is her trust in me that gets her to do these things.

What an amazing responsibility and honor it is to be a mom. This child puts all of her trust in me to do what is best for her and to protect her. I never imagined being a mom would be like this. It is so much fun, especially at the age Harper is at right now. She is so funny and learns new things literally every day. It is also so hard because as a mom, or even just a parent, it is your job to shape this person into who they will become. You have to be the example of who you want them to become. I have always heard the expression "do as I say, not as I do" but in all reality, children do whatever you do. I didn't know how true this was until now. Harper is learning to talk and she repeats any words said. Gavin and I sometimes have mouths like a sailor and it is such a bad habit and it's even worse now that we have a mini me willing to repeat anything she hears! Sometimes I don't even think about it, like one time I was carrying her and bumped my leg on something and said "Oh shit!" and low and behold Harper, without skipping a beat said shit. It's an immediate reminder that she will become who I am. It's a sobering thought and it really makes you re evaluate who you are as a person. It is because of Harper I strive to be a better person everyday.

I love my daughter with every ounce of my being. I want to do the best for her every chance I get. I was talking to Gavin the other day about how stressful and scary it was when we first found out we were having a baby. It felt like the world was ending and I was never going to be able to do anything right as a mom! I didn't know what to do...then when she came home from the hospital that feeling came back again. It's scary to think about raising someone as your own. It's scary to think you go from calling your mom or dad when you're stressed or scared to being the person that gets called on. I have to be the brave one now. I have to be the one who holds her hand when she's scared, or hold her when she's sick. I am the rock to my little girl and it is so hard and scary but I never would have thought I would be as strong as I am today because of it. Especially looking back, I can't help but laugh at how scared I was. It's like I've always been a mom to Harper. Even though she is constantly changing and I still have to figure out when to discipline, when to let go and when to step in I think I am getting the hang of things.

One thing that I have definitely learned since having Harper is to be who I want to be. I recently got a tattoo of an arrow and I got that tattoo for several reasons. My favorite song is Follow your Arrow by Kacey Musgraves because the message she is sending is so true. No matter what, people will judge you and have something to say, so just do what you want to do. I also got it because in life, just like an arrow, you have to go backwards to go forward. You pull an arrow back to launch it forward. Looking back, all of the times I learned the best lessons and was the strongest was right after I was knocked down by something else. And lastly, I am at such a crossroads in life right now. I got a little off track with my relationship and my responsibilities. I wanted to be who I was before I was a mom and fiance. I quickly realized my family is my number one and I am so embarrassed to admit that, but sometimes you have to step back to see how important what you have truly is. I think I was just scared about our big move coming up and wanted to find a way to stay here in my comfort zone. Then I remembered the whole reason we decided to go for this was for Harper. If I didn't go because of my own selfish reasons I would be a horrible mom and be a disappointment to myself and Harper. I can't let my little girl down.

So, with that being said May is the month when I will leave my California home and move to North Carolina. We're hoping for May 1 or anytime close to that. Gavin will be going first on March 23 and I will finish up a few more weeks of work. I am excited to see what adventures North Carolina has to offer our family. Hopefully I will get my credential and Harper will get a baby brother or sister! It is bittersweet thinking about not being able to show Harper all the things Gavin and I did growing up here in Santa Maria, or showing her our high school and where our relationship started and of course we will be leaving our families and friends behind, but I am excited to form new memories that only our little family will share. We can start our own traditions and create our own special spots around town.

Life has a crazy way of working itself out. Even though we never know what will happen next there are some things I am absolutely positive of. Prayer is the most powerful thing ever. I have been praying and talking to God constantly, and turning to him for guidance and trusting in him and even though I was a little lost, He led me right to where I needed to be. I also am positive that being a mom is the best thing to ever happen to me. I just wish everyone could walk in my shoes for a day to understand the feeling I have about being a mom. It's like my heart is always about to explode with happiness. Nothing ever seems so bad because I just feel so lucky and blessed, especially to have Harper as my daughter. I know she was meant to be mine because she keeps me on my toes and has taught me so much. She is so smart and beautiful and amazing and funny. She's simply the best. I absolutely love my little diva.