My Journey as a new mama..again.

It's been a hot minute since I have updated this blog. That's what happens when life happens! We've got 4 kiddos running around and 2 kittens! It gets a little hectic and by the end of the day, I'm just as ready for bed as the kids. Bryan and I have gotten married since my last post and if you follow me on Instagram then you obviously know we added a precious little peach to the family as well. Today, October 10, is World Mental Health day and that is what motivated me to FINALLY update the blog.

So why did I pick world Mental Health day as the day to motivate me? Three words: Post Partum Depression.

May 17, 2016 at 4:22 p.m. with my husband by my side, Georgia Peyton McDonald made her big debut. 8 pounds 7 ounces and 19 and a half inches long, this precious girl came out after a mere 3 pushes! (Thank baby Jesus!) Our birth story is nothing special...actually pretty basic. The pregnancy was healthy and although the 40 weeks started to come to a slow end, everything went well. We did have a minor  MAJOR scare when a midwife told me there was an irregularity in her heartbeat and I needed to get a more detailed ultrasound done at Duke. (Um..what the actual eff????) We didn't tell anyone because we wanted to wait to make sure she wasn't trippin...she was. [insert eye roll emoji here] One thing you should never do is scare a pregnant mom with something as serious as a heartbeat! I can only joke about it now because after that, anyone who listened to her heart told us there was no way anything could have been wrong with her, and there wasn't. Anyways, like I said, the pregnancy started to feel very long and I kept having false labor pains at around 36 weeks. They were so close together and I was so uncomfortable there was no way they were false, but apparently I couldn't tell the difference..whatevs. Finally, we were able to be induced at exactly 40 weeks because I was basically in tears every night from these "false" labor pains. The morning of the induction, I actually started going into labor on my own. I also tested positive for strep B so I had to have an antibiotic before she was born so I wouldn't pass it on to her. Funny thing is I'm allergic to penicillin and they tried to give me something for people like me who are allergic to penicillin but I still had an allergic reaction to it that made me feel like the inside of my body was on fire and I was itching like a mad woman. My water eventually broke on it's own and after a quick nap, I woke up with the urge to push. 3 pushes later, there she was. My sweet, beautiful Georgia peach. I held her for 45 minutes before they took her to be measured and weighed. Those 45 minutes were amazing. Just me and my girl being able to bond. I had wanted the same with Harper but they immediately took her away once she was born so it was nice to experience it with Georgia. Those 2 days in the hospital were pure bliss. Just baby, me and Bryan enjoying our time together as a new family and getting to know our new precious baby. I knew what having a new born entailed, it was my second go around so I knew exactly how it would be once we got home and I would be fine, right? Wrong. 100% wrong.

The first few days home were good. Georgia was and still is a good sleeper so that wasn't a problem. The normal after baby stuff was happening...bleeding, leaking boobs and more bleeding. I actually had a better and easier time recovering with Georgia then I did with Harper so we walked everyday and hung out at home and really cherished our time together before Bryan went back to work (He had paid family leave which was AMAZING). A few weeks later, I started to feel different. There was no other way to describe it. It felt like I was outside of my body watching myself go through the motions of everyday. I started to feel really sad and hopeless about everything and nothing at all. I started to worry about little things and just blamed it on hormones. I started to cry everyday at least once a day..usually twice a day. I lost myself. I felt so out of control and overwhelmed. It was a scary feeling since I felt like I was supposed to be happy..after all I did just have the cutest baby ever!

At first, I suffered alone. I didn't tell anyone, not even Bryan. I would just cry in the bathroom or on the couch when he was at work and just stay lost in my mind. I soon became disconnected and distracted from everything around me. I eventually told Bryan and he did his best to be there for me, but it was something I couldn't just blame on hormones anymore. I remember one time, in the middle of all the kids running around and the chaos that is our life I just sat there, staring into space so uninterested in what was going on. Instead I was wishing I was in bed, asleep and alone. Away from everyone, my family, my kids...my life. There were days I would cry to Bryan about how I hoped I didn't wake up the next day or how I wanted to just never leave the bed ever again.  Along with those feelings came the feelings of body image. I am at the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I just felt like who I was completely vanished. I never showered or brushed my hair unless I absolutely had to, I struggled to get up and basically live my life everyday. It was no joke.  I felt like I had no purpose in life and that I would never be able to do anything with my life. Although the pregnancy was healthy, in the beginning I was so sick, like hospitalized more than once sick, that I had to quit my job. Being able to work and help support my family means a lot to me so not working also took a huge toll on me. The feeling of hopelessness I felt is something I can never explain in words. It was such an out of body experience for me. Looking back I still feel like I was watching a movie rather than living through it.

I can't say I am 100% okay now, and I don't know when I will be, but I do know that I wouldn't have made it to where I am now without my amazing husband and his strong, unwavering love and support for me. He held me when I cried, he reassured me I did have a purpose and that I was beautiful no matter what and although I never believed him, those words gave me strength.  I didn't share this story because I want sympathy, because trust me, I never want sympathy. But I do want other people, mom's especially, to know that it is okay to not be ok. I think as moms we always feel the need to be this glue to hold everyone together. Although that is true, that cannot happen if we aren't the best version of ourselves. I am not afraid to admit that right now, I do need a little extra love and support. I do have tough days still, but I also have the support system I need to get through. I love being a mom and I would do anything for my kids, whenever I'm having a bad day, I look at Georgia and see her smile and I know that if anything else, she is my purpose. She is my reason to stay strong. My kids are my purpose, and I will try my hardest each and every day to be the best mom I can be for them.