Being the perfect mom

It's been a while since I last posted, and it's because Harper is definitely mobile and running around and requires a lot more attention! She has earned the nickname Hurricane Harper because she will tear through everything it's crazy! Since she turned one, I feel like she has just grown and changed so much and it happens seriously over night! She had her well baby 12 month check up at the beginning of this month and when they weighed her she only weighed 17 pounds. When I saw that I thought that's tiny! But, I figured it was okay. Well when the Dr. came in she said she was only in the 7th percentile for her weight. When I heard that, I acted like it was okay because the Dr. wasn't concerned just said that she is petite which we knew from the start because she takes after me and Harper's pediatrician was also mine so she knows my medical history. The Dr. also said just try to get her at least to the 15th percentile. In reality, as I nodded my head and smiled and pretended to joke about her being so small, on the inside I was ripping myself apart! How could I let my daughter stay so small? What am I doing wrong? It's MY fault she is so small and isn't growing at the right rate. I felt so horrible and lost all confidence in myself as a mom and all my decisions. We decided when Harper was about 8 months old to try BLW (baby led weaning). This is where you let your baby teach themselves to eat and feed themselves which is why Harper was able to feed herself with a fork and spoon so early. It's also where there is no puree and is strictly anything we would eat, to a certain extent. She eats everything and anything and I never even doubted she wasn't gaining weight. Hearing she was in the 7th percentile also made me doubt my decision to do BLW.

When Harper was born, I told myself and everyone that I would nurse and never use formula. That changed when my PPD (post-partum depression) kicked in and nursing gave me anxiety and made me resent Harper. I knew I had to stop nursing to start bonding with my daughter. I know people have their opinions on nursing vs. formula, but I think I made the right choice for my baby. Then, I started regretting that choice thinking, "if I nursed her, she would be growing better". I know that it's just the genes she inherited and even though she has been on a more carb and protein diet to gain weight, I still struggle with this guilt of not doing the best for my daughter. I know this may come as a shock to some, because I haven't shared these feelings with anyone before now but it's so hard being a mom. When things like this happen, it's hard not to blame yourself.

As a mom, I am responsible for making all kinds of choices for Harper on a daily basis, like when she will eat, what she eats, when she needs a bath, what she wears, when she sleeps, where she goes, the list goes on and on. It is a HUGE responsibility and whenever I think about it, I freak out! At times, I still need my mom to help me so how can I be in charge of someone else?! This past year I have grown to be more confident and sure of myself and the choices I make, but every once in a while I can't help but second guess myself!

We have also been struggling with the whole "No" thing. I can't seem to teach her that no means don't do it. Whenever I tell her no she just gives me the cutest, biggest smile that melts my heart and I so badly want to just say it's okay do whatever you want but I know I need to stand firm to teach her right from wrong. I think I have said this before and now to a 13 month old, I believe it even more....discipline is so important! If I don't teach her wrong from right now, she will grow up thinking she is entitled to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. I do not want my daughter to be a snob when she's older and I know there are values that need to be instilled in her now. I try my best and I hope I am doing an okay job! I watched this video the other day and it is exactly how I feel! I hope one day Harper will respond the same way these kids did!

 Being a mom is a full time job with no holidays and like they say, find a job you love and you'l never work a day in your life. That is how I feel about being a mom. It is such hard work and there's never really a "break" but I love it so much that I never feel like I'm doing a job. I do get tired and stressed but I would never, ever trade motherhood for anything else. I love holding Harper when she wakes up in the middle of the night crying, or cuddling in bed when she refuses to sleep in hers. I love when she gives me kisses or her new thing--eskimo kisses. I love how she runs to me when I get home for work or how she says bye-bye when I tell her mommy is going to work. I love every moment, good and bad, with her. She is amazing and makes me see so much goodness and innocence in life. She truly is the biggest blessing I have ever received and I cannot imagine ever living without her. I wake up everyday looking forward to the new things Harper will learn and I find myself so excited for the holidays again because being a mom during the holidays is so fun! I get to take her trick or treating and teach her how to separate her candy (and save the good stuff for mom), I get to be Santa and watch her open up the presents and wonder how he knew exactly what to get her, I get to be the tooth fairy and see her get so excited when her teeth fall out, I get to be the Easter Bunny and watch her search for all the eggs, I get to be the one who brings her so much joy and will be the one to create so many memories for her to look back on.

One thing I look forward to the most is starting traditions! With the holiday season approaching I am looking forward to so many new traditions. With Halloween, we went to the pumpkin patch and carved a pumpkin-which I had never done before ever! and Harper painted a pumpkin too. Those are our new traditions, along with eating pumpkin shaped mac and cheese before we go out trick or treating!
With Thanksgiving I haven't come up with anything creative yet but I'm searching pinterest for ideas! I know when she gets a little older, we will be going to volunteer at the homeless shelter to help serve dinner.
For Christmas, I am looking forward to starting elf on the shelf! I cannot wait for November 30 so I can read her the story and start our elf adventure. I am also looking forward to teaching Harper how to give back, especially during the holidays. We will be picking an angel off the tree to donate a gift. I want Harper to always realize how blessed she is. We have so much to give and even though we have been through hard times, we have never gone without anything. Harper is such a loving sweet girl that I think she will be super excited to give back once she is old enough to understand what she is doing.

I am so in love with my baby girl it's amazing. I never have known a love so deep or true. She is seriously the best thing to ever happen to me! For all of you who thought my life was ruined, you were wrong...my life has only begun.



Here are some pictures of Harper's pumpkin painting. She was so careful and didn't get paint everywhere!