10 months old!

Today my little lovebug Harper is 10 months old! Such a bittersweet one. It, to me, is just reminding me that 12 months aka 1 years old is just around the corner! My baby has grown so much in these past 10 months. She is now a very quick crawler and a strong stander. She walks with the help of mom or dad's hand or her walker, but sadly there are no signs of her walking on her own any time soon! She loves fruit! Especially grapes, watermelon and strawberries. She also likes tomatoes and some veggies like carrots and green beans. She also likes tofu, chicken, rice, yogurt, waffles and avocados. Let's face it, she will eat anything she can get a hold of! She is allergic to bananas though which is a total bummer because bananas are amazing! We recently found out it is not the actual banana but the protein in bananas that her body will simply reject.
She is also anemic and on iron drops daily. Hopefully she will grow out of that!

I have a little trouble maker on my hands but she is just so much fun! She pats my chest and says shh to put me to bed and she shakes her finger for no no when she knows she's doing something wrong! She loves baby dolls and animals as well as getting her hair done! She sits perfectly still in the morning when I am putting her hair up. She also is amazed with me clipping her nails. We both love shopping at Target and I think she is finally recognizing when we go there because she gets excited which is so cute! I could go on forever with all the amazing things Harper does but I doubt anyone wants to read that! So, in honor of it being 10 months since my delivery I decided to share my delivery story. FYI it's not as graceful as they make it seem on tv so sorry for the details but I honestly wish someone would have told me these things before I had Harper.

I was always super nervous about labor because I freak out over everything. I was scared I wouldn't know what to do or that something would go wrong. My biggest fear was the epidural! I watched so many videos on youtube of epidurals being placed and read horror stories about things that went wrong. I scared myself so bad that for a while I decided against it! I was due September 21...Harper's birthday is September 30! Yup, 9 days late...so stubborn. I was so upset when my due date came and went because I had been anticipating it for so long! My Dr. checked me and said my cervix hadn't even softened and I wasn't even dilated. It was so hard to hear that I had to keep waiting. I tried everything...walking, speed bumps, pineapple, bouncing on a yoga ball, spicy foods, you name it I tried it. Then my Dr. reminded me that she didn't come because she is not ready and we want her to be ready and healthy when she comes so I patiently waited and waited until finally they decided to induce me. My induction date was September 28 and I was supposed to call the hospital at 6 a.m. and see if I could come in....well they were full! So I waited for them to call me back and they never did. They just kept saying it was full and they had to take high risk women first...I was so pissed! Then they called me at 6 in the morning on the 29 saying I could come in. I freaked out, this was it! So I grabbed my hospital bag and off we went...when I got there they said sorry we called the wrong patient and sent me home! I was livid! So I went home still pregnant and waited some more until finally they called and said to be there by 7 p.m. They told me to eat something but I couldn't. I was a ball of nerves. I don't even think I talked the whole day.

Once I was finally admitted, they started my IV and hooked me up to the monitors. They gave me a suppository that was supposed to soften my cervix and once that happened I would start pitocin. Well, I didn't need the pitocin because I went into labor on my own. At 3 a.m. I woke up to the worst pain of my life. It was so bad I was throwing up. It was back labor. I tried sitting and standing and nothing helped. They gave me pain medicine through my IV but all it did was make me throw up more. So, by 9 a.m. I was ready for an epidural. I was freaking out because I asked for it out of desperation, not sure that I could even handle going through with it! When the anesthesiologist came in I was legit shaking! Gavin had to leave and I was terrified. The nurse who was there to help reassured me I was going to survive. They had me sit on the edge of the bed and curve my back as much as I could. Then she gave me a shot of some numbing medication and once it set in, she started to stick the tube thing in my spine, but she missed! She hit my spine twice and I don't know what was worse...back labor or getting hit in the spine with a thin tube! Turns out I had a little bit of scoliosis due to pregnancy which made it a little hard for the epidural to be placed. Once I got it, I felt immediate relief! Then I had a catheter put in and they broke my water. After that, it's kind of a blur because I was so tired from not sleeping the night before but people were constantly in and out I could barely sleep. Then I remember the nurse telling me to try to push and I did and next thing I know I've been pushing for 10 minutes. It was hard to push and I actually stayed calm. I remember thinking don't stop Anna or you will never finish! I tend to give up when things get hard so I had to keep telling myself to fight through it. I remember someone saying she had a lot of hair and then she was on my chest.

The best feeling was finally holding my little girl I waited 9 months to meet! She was so calm and barely cried when she was born. She came out with one eye open and I knew at that moment she would be as crazy and curious as she is. After she was born, I still had to deliver the placenta which was so weird and annoying because I just wanted my baby and everyone else got to look at her and hold her while I was still chillin on the delivery bed. I also had an epesiotimy so I had to get stitches too. I was literally exhausted after labor and I wanted to sleep, but I had to wait because I didn't stop bleeding for a long time and had to have some emergency shot in my leg to help my blood clot. Once I did, they moved us all over to the  postpartum room and it was finally time for bed! Except every hour the nurse would come in to check Harper's temp and blood pressure and mine and then remind me to nurse. It was so annoying. At one point, Harper was screaming for a good hour and the nurse kept telling me to nurse when I knew she didn't want to and that she wanted a pacifier! They would not let us give her one because they were afraid of nipple confusion when they should have been afraid of me! I was livid and tired and overwhelmed. Finally, the nurse agreed and Harper fell asleep right away...mother's instinct.

Going home was scary because it was just the 3 of us. No nurses or doctors to help us. It was our responsibility to take care of this baby. It was hard at first, but we adjusted after a while and created a routine. I think next time I will be more prepared for labor and delivery now that I know what to expect. Some things I wish people would have told me? Well for one, no one told me how much and how long I would bleed for! I bled for a good month after I had Harper. I also wish I had brought certain things with me in my hospital bag like:
Chapstick
maxi pads with wings! (The hospital ones sucked and didn't stay in place)
Underwear (The hospital gives you these weird mesh looking things they call underwear, but they are one size fits all and don't work. So bring a good pair of "granny panties")
Snacks and drinks for Gavin
hair ties and bobby pins/clips
(also, I brought my own toiletries and jumped in the shower the first chance I got! Not the easiest, most graceful shower but the most refreshing shower I've ever taken was after labor)

Labor was hard and once you experience yourself, you realize why its called labor! But once you get past the first few weeks and settle into a routine, things get so much easier and before you know it they're 10 months old babbling on and getting into everything!

p.s. No one looks like Kate Middleton one day after labor! I was swollen and gross looking for days after!

Oh Darling, don't you ever grow up....

Being a mom is hard work. Especially to a 10 month old. I have decided this age so far is the hardest for me. Harper is on the verge of walking and gaining that little bit more of independence. She is also going through the whole throw it on the floor and make mom pick it up 100 times! (except after 5 tries I stop giving it back). She also is still learning what no means...notice I said STILL. And, we cannot forget the tantrums. She is learning to show her frustration and anger when things do not go her way. She will throw things and cry and whine. It is definitely the most trying time I have had so far. I think it has a lot to do with her mobility and "complaining".

Harper is almost walking! She will stand in the middle of the room and pull herself up on stuff as well as walking around when she pushes her walker or holding mom or dad's hand...just one hand! It's an exciting time to be a parent because she is truly growing by the day  minute. I feel like every day there is something new and exciting she is doing and walking is one of those huge milestones everyone will remember. It is also hard because she can't be put down in public yet since she is still crawling and let's face it...every mom is little bit of a germ-a-phobe. So, Harper will throw fits when she can't get down and crawl at dad's softball or basketball games and then people stare as I try to stay calm and take care of the shit show unfolding on my lap. It is exhausting at times constantly trying to entertain a baby who only wants to get down and move around. It's frustrating for me too because I know what she wants and I can't help her.

If you look up attitude in the dictionary, Harper's picture is the first thing you see. I don't know where it came from (definitely not mom) but it has arrived. I know I have a way worse attitude ahead of me in her teen years, but right now she's already crazy. When she doesn't want something, trust me, she will let you know. My daughter is nothing short of a pistol and I am proud of her! It gets very hard and tiring at times, but there is no way you can stay mad or frustrated with Harper. When she looks at me with her big brown eyes it's hard to remember exactly why she made me mad. It also can have a strain on my relationship with Gavin, especially this summer. I just started working for the school district so I had the summer off. This meant more quality time with Harper, but it also meant I was going to get the grunt of all the attitude, tantrums and messes as well because Gavin works all day. I sometimes would spend all day at home and with a 10 month old, cabin fever sets in a lot quicker...thankfully I still have my cheer squad and good friends! You have to be social and get out when you are a mom or you will go mad! I'm not trying to sound like I hate being a mom because I absolutely love it, but every mom can relate...you just need a break sometimes. I love taking Harper to Target. That is our fave place to shop. So, when she starts going a little crazy we hop in the car and away we go to target to walk around. I love that now she will sit in the cart and grab things and babble on like she is actually looking at clothes with me and talking. I cannot wait for those days when we can have real conversations where she will actually respond with words.

Like anything else, with bad and hard there is good and fun. Harper can be so much fun right now too. It is the best feeling watching her learn new things, right now, Harper's newest thing is peek-a-boo. If you say where is Harper I can't find her?! She will cover her eyes and squeeze them shut and then pull her hands away when you say peek-a-boo! It is so amazing to me, because no one really taught her that! It is so cool to see the things babies can pick up just by watching what other people do. This is the reason why I try to be a better person. I believe children will learn by example. People usually say do as I say not as I do, but the reality is they will do as you do. Speaking of being examples, Gavin and I were talking about gay marriages and racism and how it is ridiculous how much people can hate others. We got to talking and we both agreed we do not want Harper to grow up being judgmental. People were not born hating anyone. They do not know the difference between a straight couple and a gay couple or a black person from an Asian person. The hate people have was taught by children growing up and seeing, hearing and doing what their parents did.

I have a lot of hopes for Harper and her future. One of the biggest things I wish for her is to be accepting of everyone. I want her to grow up only hating vegetables or naps, not people. Especially not people because of sexual orientation, race, religion or any other reason. If we could all teach our children to just love one another it would be the start to something great. I know it's easier said than done, but some parents need to realize it starts with us, the parents. We are our children's first role model and we set the tone for what they will do as kids, teens and then as young adults.

Sorry for my rant...back to being Harper's mom.

Being a mom is hard. Out of all the things I think are hard about being a mom, the hardest thing for me is knowing my baby will grow up one day. It is accepting that she will one day be a young woman living her own life and won't need mommy. I am absolutely in love with my daughter and I love the amazing bond I share with her. It is so hard knowing one day she will be a big girl and be moving out and becoming an adult. The Taylor Swift song that makes me cry every time is "Never Grow Up". I think about the night Harper was first born and I look at her today and she has grown so much already. I want to just freeze time. I do not want my time with Harper to ever run out. I know I will never have enough time with her, but a lifetime just isn't enough! I cherish every moment I have with my baby girl and I look forward to all the memories I will make along the way, like her first day of school, her first boyfriend, her wedding, when she becomes a mom, all of these big life moments and then I realize I get way too ahead of myself and I should just focus on her big life moment coming up...walking. And then we can talk about her first birthday..which by the way I might have a hard time with that one. It has already been one year almost since I met my best friend and cutest baby ever...my daughter.

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up   

Behind the Scenes

First of all, let me just tell you all that when you go to bed late, kids, especially Harper, do not care and will not let you sleep in. This is one of the many hard things about being a young mom, or any mom for that matter. As some of you know, I went to Rascal Flatts last night at the Mid-State Fair. I didn't get home until almost 2 in the morning and Harper was up at 5! Like I said, they do not care lol. I will be posting another blog down the road about some of the hardest parts of being a mom to a 10 month old. But this blog has a completely different meaning. Yesterday, Gavin and I were talking about how we wished people could really see how hard our lives are and I thought this was the perfect place to share.

Almost daily I/we get compliments from people about how adorable Harper is and how lucky we are to have the perfect family and life. I appreciate the compliments on Harper because of course I think my baby is the cutest thing on this planet! But what really gets me is the part about having a perfect life. Our life is far from perfect and so is our relationship. People always tell me that seeing my family and I makes them want to have a baby and family of their own..that's awesome! But I always say no you need to wait. If people really understood what it meant to be a mom so young and how hard it really is, maybe they would rethink it for now.

First, Gavin and I do not have our own house. We live with his parents because living on our own is just too expensive and we wanted to be able to save for our wedding. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all his parents do for us, but it's hard knowing my daughter doesn't have her own room and we don't have a place for us to call our home. The three of us share a standard size bedroom and Harper sleeps in her pack and play. It can be a little tight and stressful when we don't have room for all of our stuff. I also always feel like I am in the way and taking up too much space because this is not my home it's Gavin's. This is the best option though because living on our own was way too expensive. When you take into account the bills, gas, groceries, diapers and other little unexpected things like medicine or car repairs, it left us with little to no money left over. There were times when Gavin and I were living on our own when we would have literally $0. It was so hard and stressful not knowing what the next day would hold. We have always had our family for support but its hard when you know you should be supporting your family and not someone else. We get help from the state. We do receive WIC which has been a big help to us because it pays for our formula and baby food for Harper. It was hard to accept this help because so many people look down upon people who get help from the government but we needed it and I am not ashamed anymore. It has helped us when we needed food for Harper and could not afford it ourselves. I don't care if I don't eat dinner as long as my baby has all the food she needs.

Second, our relationship is far from perfect. Having a baby adds a whole new dynamic to a relationship. You suddenly go from just having each other to having this whole other person as part of the mix. Of course, there is mine and Gavin's relationship and then there is mine, Harper's and Gavin's as well as our individual relationships with Harper. It can be so hard sometimes when you have been up all night with a teething baby and living in such close quarters with each other...can you say tension? Gavin and I have also made our fair share of mistakes in our relationship and we have been working on them, but with a baby it's hard to get that alone time you need for each other. We try to make the effort as often as we can to go out on dates or just have "us" time. There was also a time when I would give all my attention to Harper so when Gavin came home from work I was all out of attention to give. Gavin and I have plenty of arguments and problems like any other relationship, but that is how we grow as a couple. We learn to work through things and figure out new ways to handle certain situations. We have to remember to put aside our differences and work for the best outcome not only for our relationship, but also for Harper's sake.

If there is one thing I want people to know about my life is that it is far from perfect. I probably cry at least once a week if not more because I just get overwhelmed and stressed out. It is a hard thing to have a family and I wish people, especially young girls could see that. Having a baby isn't just cute clothes and pictures. It's waking up in the middle of the night, changing diapers, teething, colds, tantrums, bottles, and so much more. I love being a mom, don't get me wrong, but it's hard and not something anyone should want so young. I would never wish I never had Harper, but sometimes I wish she would have been born later on down the line for her own sake. It's scary not knowing when she will have her own room and house and if I will be able to save enough money for college for her. I only want the absolute best for Harper and I try my hardest to provide that for her but sometimes I doubt myself as a parent...am I really doing my best? Will she grow up and hate me for not giving her everything I could? Will she resent me for having her so young? These are thoughts I have daily along with many others like what college will she go to? When will I be able to give her her own room and bed? How am I going to pay for all of the things she will want as she gets older? Being a mom is a huge responsibility that not everyone is ready to accept. I just hope that people will see that behind the scenes my life isn't all smiles and rainbows...it's full of tears, stress, arguments, and worries.

I love Harper and Gavin with all my heart and I hope that through it all, they will always know that. I try my best to show them each and everyday. It gets hard when you get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, but I try and that's all I can do. If anything, I want Harper to grow up knowing how much her mom loves her, because she is my world. And babe, if you're reading this, just know that you are always my number 1! You are my rock and I love you so much.

How it All Started

I decided to create a blog, because I love to write and I think over the past year, I have grown enough to share my experiences in hopes that I can give some new, young mom out there insight or hope to this crazy thing called motherhood.

I am a young mom. I was always supposed to be "young" when I had a baby but never 21 "young". I had plans. BIG plans. I was supposed to graduate community college then move to Sacramento with my boyfriend and one of my best friends and party my way through Sac State earning a Bachelor Degree and eventually my Master's in Sports Psychology. Then I would get my dream job and get engaged to my high school sweetheart and have a huge over the top wedding. Then we would buy a beautiful home and a puppy and then maybe then we would think babies. I had my life planned out to the T, because that's the type of person I am. was. I needed to have a plan for everything...not a girl big on surprises (unless flowers are involved).

I had always imagined and wanted to be a mom. I love kids and babies and all the cuteness that comes with them. But when I learned I would be a mom at 21 I was terrified. Before I go on, I would like to make a disclaimer that I am going to be super honest and tell everyone (if anyone even reads this) how I felt and what was going through my mind. Being honest through writing is how I get my emotions out. Back to how I found out I was pregnant.

I was 20 years old. I had it all...just got a new car, working on the perfect body (a 6 pack was in my near future), my high school sweetheart by my side and I just graduated community college with an AA in behavioral sciences. Step 1 of my future was done. I was waiting to hear back from my dream school, Sacramento State. Until then, I was having fun and doing whatever I wanted. But then, my period was late. "No big deal, it's always random" is what I kept saying, even though I knew I missed some of my pills and it was a definite possibility I was pregnant. My boyfriend, Gavin, knew I needed to take a test. If you ask us now he still says he knew the moment it happened. This was weird because I was like any girl, anytime anything was weird like I had a headache or a weird stomach ache, I was sure I was pregnant...but this time I was in denial. It was January 15 and we finally decided I was late enough to where I needed to take a test. So we went to the 99 cent store and got one. I will never ever forget the emotions I felt when I saw that second line slowly appear on that stick. I just walked into Gavins room and said "what do we do now?" and cried. I cried for everything I knew I would give up. I cried in Gavin's arms for what seemed like an eternity and the whole time he just held me and said "it's ok. I will take care of you". It didn't take long before we knew we were going to keep the baby. We could even come to think of abortion and we both realized we needed to take responsibility for our actions.

Fast forward to the week before the Super Bowl. Up until now I hadn't told anyone but my best friend Kim. I told her the day after I found out and she was so supportive and just listened to me. I was a hot mess! I was so stressed because I knew my parents needed to know and so did Gavin's. I also still hadn't seen a Dr. yet and wasn't sure I was really pregnant (as if all 4 tests could be wrong). So Gavin and I set the date...the weekend before the Super Bowl. We would tell my parents first and then his. I remember what I was wearing and what happened exactly as if it were yesterday.

I walked into my mom's room with Gavin and told my mom I needed to talk to her and dad privately. As soon as my dad walked in I burst into tears and said "I think I'm pregnant" the reaction I received was not what I expected! My dad just said it's okay and my mom was smiling. They thought something horrible happened and in my mind I was thinking this is horrible! But they told me that this baby wasn't made out of something bad......although yes I am young and not married, this baby was a product of the love I shared with Gavin and this baby was innocent so they could never be mad at the thought of a baby being born. They were disappointed and shocked at me, but they always made sure to remind me, the baby did nothing wrong and I should never feel any resentment towards it. My mom and I then discussed which doctor I should see and she was so supportive and helpful and it really took this huge weight I had been carrying off my shoulders. Up next, Gavin's parents. I was so nervous because I had no idea how they would react. It involved some tears but surprisingly nothing bad! It was such a blessing to have the reactions we did...it assured me that I had the love and support I needed to continue on with this pregnancy.

Over the next few weeks I started seeing a Dr. and finally accepting that I was pregnant. I was only about 6 weeks along when I found out. I had my first ultrasound and got to hear the heartbeat. That was when it sunk in. I was pregnant. There was another life growing inside me and it was solely my job to protect this baby and help it grow and develop healthy. It was an emotional struggle for me....I was excited but so scared. I knew this meant a whole new responsibility in life. I kept thinking about how my life was going to change. I cried a lot. And then, the day I had been dreading....I heard back from Sac State. I was afraid to look at what they would tell me. I was torn...I wanted to get in but at the same time I hoped I didn't because that would just solidify what I was trying so hard to ignore.
I got in. I got in to my dream school...part 2 of my plan. I cried. I cried harder than I ever cried before. I broke down and just felt at that moment that my life was over. I was so angry. Angry at myself for being stupid and at this baby who was ruining my life.

I could shake this anger and resentment. I would talk to God at night, I guess you could call it praying but it felt more like arguing. I finally accepted what had happened, I dont remember how or why but I just remember waking up one day thinking what's done is done. I had to take this time in my life and figure my shit out.I took it a day at a time. I knew that this baby wasn't ruining my life, this baby was in my life because of my choices and now there was nothing I could do but accept it.

It slowly got easier and on  May 9, we found out we were having a baby girl. Typing this brings tears to my eyes. I had wanted a little boy so badly but when they said it was a girl I broke into tears...tears of joy. I realized then that this little girl was going to be the best thing to ever happen to me. I immediately thought of how she would be my shopping buddy, my pedicure partner and my best friend. I suddenly had a whole new life plan and it seemed way better than the first. Finally I felt like I had gotten a hold on life again but boy was I wrong!

Gavin and I had only told our close group of friends before this time. I was a big freak about miscarriage so I made sure to wait to tell our friends until I was past the 3 month mark. It was slowly leaking out to others and by that time we decided to make it "FBO". You really find out who your friends are when this happened. All of a sudden people want to add you on FB just to stalk you and be nosy and you have people bad mouthing you. People looked down upon me like I was the scum of the earth for getting pregnant so young and out of wedlock. It hurt to hear mean things coming from people who I assumed were friends. People were so judgmental and it was hard. I already had an ongoing battle inside my own mind about this whole thing...I was scared, nervous and unsure about what to do. If people only knew. I decided to kill them with kindness. I kept my head held high and didn't let anyone know how their actions and words affected me. I truly think this made me a better, stronger person. It also tightened my group of friends up and I am so glad I have the ones who stuck by me!

At 9:30 p.m. on September 30, 2012 Harper Monroe Kelly was born. She was 7 pounds 14 oz of pure perfection. That was the moment I felt myself take a breath and think I did it. I made it through not only 9 months of throwing up, aching backs,mood swings, peeing every 5 minutes and all the joys of pregnancy, but 9 months of being judged, being stared at, being whispered about. I made it through one of the hardest times of my life. I had grown so much in those 9 months. I gained a back bone to stick up for myself and a thicker skin. I even gained a fiance :) Gavin and I are set to get married next July. Everything I went through was so worth it when I had Harper in my arms. She has brought so much joy into my life. As I start the countdown for her first birthday, I cannot believe how much she has grown up right in front of my eyes. I can't imagine ever thinking she was ruining my life or my life without her. She adds a richness to my life only a mother can understand. When I watch her sleep I can only think of the quote that goes "Let her sleep, for when she wakes she will move mountains". I know my baby will do big things in life. Anyone who has met my crazy, spunky almost 10 month old knows this is the truth.

Being a mom is the hardest, most exhausting thing I have ever done. I still get looks and probably whispers, people from high school probably still have their opinions but it's okay I have something they don't and that is the love from my daughter...the hugs and kisses and cuddles, the smiles and the giggles. I may not be going to a university, but I have a joy no one can take away from me and her name is Harper.