Two going on twenty...

Harper turned two a few weeks ago and I still can't believe it. I feel like we just brought her home from the hospital yesterday. I will never forget that day, it was one of the hottest days of the year and we lived in a tiny, (kind of) ghetto apartment that was hotter inside than outside. Gavin and I stopped at Jack in the Box on the way home (who really does that??) because I was starving and the hospital food didn't cut it. We got home and we immediately realized it was way too hot for the baby so Gavin went to his parent's house to pick up a fan. When he left, I remember sitting there watching this new, sweet little girl sleeping in her bassinet with her blue onesie with brown and pink polka dots and her hospital bracelets still on her ankle. That's when it hit me, I was alone with this baby and I had no idea what to do. I was so scared because it was just me and her, no nurses and no Gavin to help me. Granted, Gavin was gone all of 20 minutes, but as a new mom I was terrified! My feet swelled so bad because I immediately tried to do laundry and clean, but I was quickly reminded to rest. Those first few weeks were such a blur of visitors and sleeping and sadly, not too many showers...but then I fast forward to today, and Harper and I are seriously the same person. I can't believe I was ever afraid and clueless as to what to do because today, I know her like the back of my hand and it has only been two short years (The best two years nonetheless).

I started working at Target (don't ask how I like it...) and Harper has started daycare. I work almost 40 hours a week and I either open or close, so I am usually at work 8-4 or 4-10:30 meaning I don't get to stay home all day with Harper anymore. I know I was so excited to go back to work, but it's not the work I wanted and my heart breaks a little every time Harper says "stay with me mom" and it breaks a little more when she more than happily marches off to daycare like the big, brave girl I have tried my hardest to raise her to be. I am so proud of her for being so independent and trusting that mommy and daddy will always be there to pick her up, but it's a sad reminder that pre-school is around the corner and I don't know if I am ready for that. Right before we started our new routine of Harper at daycare and mommy at work I was holding her in my lap and I just lost it, I was crying like a baby because my baby isn't a baby anymore and Harper said "what's wrong mom?" when I told her I was sad because she was growing up so fast she kissed my face and said "it's okay mom" which still brings tears to my eyes now! I think the tears are a mix of proud and sad tears. I always knew my daughter would be smart, strong, kind, understanding and independent because I knew that's how I wanted to raise her, but to see her already embody so much of that at just two is amazing. She is truly a gift from God.

Harper is a little chatter box and once she's comfortable around you, she will never stop talking. She has the funniest mannerisms and says the cutest things. She is obsessed with make up and jewelry but she loves bugs and Spider man too. We went to the pumpkin patch on Saturday and we couldn't leave the house until she was done with her make-up which consists of putting my concealer on her leg and then using my bare minerals, which I pretend to put in the lid and give her the brush and she swirls and taps the brush and puts it all over her face, and mine and sometimes even Gavin (if he's lucky). She also needed her bracelets and ring. We bought her a bunch of the little girl jewelry at Claire's for her birthday because she always wants to wear my rings and other jewelry. She also needs her purse and phone before we leave and if it's too bright we can't forget her sunglasses! She's definitely my mini me and Gavin and I always joke that I have created a monster (ok, we half joke because it's so true).

I love Harper at this age because she is like a little person that I can have conversations with and she is like a sponge and just absorbs everything we say and do. I have to say that because of this, it has helped put me in check about how I act and what I say. Sometimes, we aren't so lucky and she absorbs the wrong things...the other day Harper was doing something and she almost tripped and she looked at me and said "oh, shit! I almost fall down!" I had to laugh because it was so unexpected and to hear that come out in her little voice was the cutest thing. But then I told her to not say that and to say oh my gosh and she quickly responded with "look at her butt". (Who is this child? and Who are her parents?!) Either way, I think it's funny and I won't pretend to be that mom who doesn't say bad words or have bad days because I do and Harper hears and sees. I try my best to watch my mouth around her, but face it, no one is perfect.

I just can't believe my baby is two and her attitude is going on 20 for sure. She brings me so much joy and I am so blessed she has come into our lives. Gavin and I have been through so much since we found out I was pregnant and I see Harper's birthday as not only another year of life for Harper, but also a reminder of how far we have come. I celebrate Harper's birth and the accomplishments of Gavin and I as parents. We've seen days where we had absolutely no money for anything but a few groceries, we've been on government assistance programs, we've had our fair share of fights over the stress, we've lived on our own and then back with his parents. But then I see us today, on Harper's 2nd birthday doing better than okay. We finally have our own place, we both have jobs, we have more than enough food, Harper is the happiest little girl and has never known what it is like to go without and our relationship is growing stronger and stronger each day. I remember when I was pregnant thinking "how are we gonna make it?" but faith, love and family and friends have helped us get where we are today. I don't think our parents will ever understand how grateful we are to them. I honestly have no idea where we would be if it wasn't for them. Because of them, I know what it means to really be there for your children and I plan to be there for Harper just as my parents and Gavin's parents were there for us. As for Harper Kelly,

Harper,
You are the light of my world. I have never known a love as strong or as deep as the love I have for you. The best part of everyday is watching you grow and learn. I love watching you run around outside, listening to you sing, I love when you do my make up or paint daddy's nails. I love how caring you are and how worried you get for babies when they cry. I love how you wait your turn and want to share with everyone you see. I love when you grab my face and kiss me at night and I love the way yo say I Lub you mommy. I love everything about you baby girl. You will forever be my lovebug, my hoppa, my Harper Kelly. I promise to always love and support anything you want to do. You will always have a friend in me. Mommy loves you so much and I hope one day you can see that everything I do, is for you. I promised to give you the best childhood and life and I hope one day you can look back and say that you did. You will go far my bug and I will be there every step of the way. Don't ever lose your spunk. I love you more than you will ever know!
Mommy

Hello from NC!

It's been a long while since I have posted! Life has been pretty crazy lately. We are finally settling into North Carolina and I am loving it! I think I can speak for Harper when I say she does too. It is such a different world here. People are so friendly, things are so clean and well taken care of and there is so much to do! We live in a town called Cary and people joke that it is called Containment Area for Relocated Yankees because there are so many people, who like us, have been relocated to NC for work. I am in love with this place though, and everything about it. The food is amazing! Even though I do miss Santa Maria style BBQ i have to say southern BBQ is slowly winning my heart. And the sweet tea! I am obsessed with sweet tea and go through a gallon a week (I know, it's pathetic) and living here is amazing because literally you can find it anywhere!

I love NC for other reasons besides the food though. One of those reasons is just being out of my comfort zone. I had always had a desire to live in Georgia and live a southern life-style, so NC is close enough ;) Seeing what is outside of the small town of Santa Maria has been truly amazing. I have also had to learn to be independent. I am such a mommy's girl and I go to my mom for everything! So being across the country from each other has been hard, but I think it was necessary. I have grown my own back bone I think and am slowly learning how to do things without calling mom first (even though I talk to her literally everyday still). I definitely miss having the support and help from all of our family and friends and being able to see everyone whenever we wanted, but being on our own has definitely strengthened our little family unit.

Gavin and I have also learned a lot about each other I think as well. As with any relationship there are bumps in the road and now that we are here in a state where we literally only have each other to have adult conversations with, (because face it, talking Barney and Caillou with a two year old all day makes you want to talk politics every once in a while) has really strengthened us as parents and as a couple. We have learned how to communicate so much better and have learned to truly be there for one another. I'm not saying we didn't do this before, but being all alone really takes your relationship to a different level of maturity. After being apart for so long, since Gavin moved months before Harper and I did, and then Harper and I took a 3 week vacation back to California recently, I think Harper really enjoys it, too. I have to say I really think it brought us back to our relationship and friendship we had when we first started dating, which is almost 6 years ago! I feel old haha

Although NC has been amazing and I can only see it getting better there has been some issues. One big thing is the HEAT! Can you say 90% humidity at 7 a.m.?? My hair hates it. But if that's really the only big complaint we have then we are pretty blessed. I'm also very directionally challenged and it took me almost 3 years to learn my way around my own home town, so I'll let you figure out exactly how finding my way around town is going...

I am still looking for a job because the school district here has a different hiring procedure, so while I am waiting I have been staying home with Harper. The only way I can describe this is, in all honesty, shit show. I will not even pretend or sugar coat it. Granted, it's not always a shit show, but usually I am ready for a marg (or 3) by the time Gavin gets home. Harper is about 75% potty trained and is also about to turn 2. Together, this makes for a crazy naked baby running around most of the day. She is seriously the funniest, spunkiest (is that a word?) most feisty little thing ever and I love it! She is really into singing and dancing right now and her favorite songs are: stay with me, Fancy, and Are you Gonna Kiss me or not. If you follow me on IG I am sure you saw the video of her dancing to Fancy in the car. She is really camera shy so anytime I try to get her on video she usually stops. I tried to capture her singing Stay with Me at the top of her lungs at Cold Stone but of course she stopped.

Other than singing, Harper usually runs around naked and when I try to tell her to get dressed she says no and runs away. She also is very independent so trying to get her to do anything with my help is pretty much impossible. We have implemented time outs which have helped and we've had to really cut out any sugar from her diet because she is super sensitive to sugars. Even the smallest amount results in a crazy child. Being a stay at home mom is no joke. It is so hard for me. It's not only hard because I am home all day with no one to really talk to besides Harper and it's hard to do a million things at once with no extra hands but it's also hard because I like to work. I like to feel like I am contributing to my family. I am in no way saying stay at home moms do not contribute because I know we do, I personally have always liked working and being able to help financially support my family. Gavin has been amazing about helping me with this and supporting me. He knows how hard it is on me at times and he lets me sleep in one morning during the weekend or he will offer to take Harper to the park so I can shower or even just eat in peace.

Being away from home has been a huge positive experience for not only for us as a family, but I think it has also helped me see who is truly important in my life. When you are away from home it is so easy to lose connections and contact with people because we are all busy and wrapped up in our own daily lives, but it has also strengthened a lot of my relationships at home. My best friend Lindsey is amazing. She has been there for me since day one and I could never put into words are grateful I am to have her in my life as well as Harper's. We usually talk every other day if not every day, and when we do she always reminds me of her support and love for us and what I am doing for my family. It's always nice to hear that the people you love support your decisions and see that you are trying to create a stable, healthy future for yourself and most importantly my daughter.

Like I mentioned before, I talk to my mom every day. You never truly appreciate your parents until you become one. Since I moved, my relationship with my mom has become more of a friendship. She is always there for me when I have a rough day and she reminds me to laugh. I know it is so hard for her to be so far away from me Harper, but I love that she still supports me and reminds me that she is always there. The move has also strengthened my relationship with both my brother Vinny and my sister Lauryn. We have always been close, but now that we don't see each other everyday, we appreciate each other a little more. They always have my back and I always have theirs. I miss everyone so much everyday, but I feel like I am meant to be here in NC. There is so many more opportunities for me as far as school and work goes as well as for Harper. I think growing up here will be the best thing for Harper.

We're getting ready for a visit from Gavin's family soon as well as a trip to Myrtle Beach! Harper's SECOND birthday is coming (What??? when did this happen?) and I cannot wait. Overall, I just want to thank everyone who has supported and been there for us since we have moved. I know I only mentioned Lindsey, but obviously Amanda, Kiersten and Julie you guys are just as amazing and I love you all! This move has been the hardest, most trying thing I have had to do and it is amazing to see how happy people are for us and how excited everyone is for us. It truly means a lot to us and hopefully we will be able to take a family vacation home to CA to visit soon :)

The Red Tunnel

I haven't posted in a long time and like always it's just because I have been so busy with my new toddler in the house and not my baby. It was a sad day when I realized I didn't have a baby, but a toddler. A wild, crazy little girl who is such a dare devil and has such a zest for life already. She is so willing to try anything and do anything and she is so brave! She gets scared and hesitates but that never stops her. It is so inspiring to see her get over her fears and try new things and it is also a very proud mommy moment when that happens. She was afraid of going down the big slide at the park by herself and had to hold someone's hand the whole way down for a while, then one day I told her "you can do it, you're a big girl remember?" and she nodded and said "yeah" and looked down at the slide and I waited at the bottom and she went for it. The pride on her face after that was enough to bring tears to my eyes. It's amazing how something so simple can bring so much happiness to my heart. Another thing, most recently, was a pop up tunnel thing at day care. The kids were all going through it and being rowdy and it was obvious Harper was super nervous to crawl all the way through. So I said "come on, you can do it" and I went to the other side and told her I would be there to get her and she went through! After that she loved it. It was then that I realized, even though Harper is brave, it is her trust in me that gets her to do these things.

What an amazing responsibility and honor it is to be a mom. This child puts all of her trust in me to do what is best for her and to protect her. I never imagined being a mom would be like this. It is so much fun, especially at the age Harper is at right now. She is so funny and learns new things literally every day. It is also so hard because as a mom, or even just a parent, it is your job to shape this person into who they will become. You have to be the example of who you want them to become. I have always heard the expression "do as I say, not as I do" but in all reality, children do whatever you do. I didn't know how true this was until now. Harper is learning to talk and she repeats any words said. Gavin and I sometimes have mouths like a sailor and it is such a bad habit and it's even worse now that we have a mini me willing to repeat anything she hears! Sometimes I don't even think about it, like one time I was carrying her and bumped my leg on something and said "Oh shit!" and low and behold Harper, without skipping a beat said shit. It's an immediate reminder that she will become who I am. It's a sobering thought and it really makes you re evaluate who you are as a person. It is because of Harper I strive to be a better person everyday.

I love my daughter with every ounce of my being. I want to do the best for her every chance I get. I was talking to Gavin the other day about how stressful and scary it was when we first found out we were having a baby. It felt like the world was ending and I was never going to be able to do anything right as a mom! I didn't know what to do...then when she came home from the hospital that feeling came back again. It's scary to think about raising someone as your own. It's scary to think you go from calling your mom or dad when you're stressed or scared to being the person that gets called on. I have to be the brave one now. I have to be the one who holds her hand when she's scared, or hold her when she's sick. I am the rock to my little girl and it is so hard and scary but I never would have thought I would be as strong as I am today because of it. Especially looking back, I can't help but laugh at how scared I was. It's like I've always been a mom to Harper. Even though she is constantly changing and I still have to figure out when to discipline, when to let go and when to step in I think I am getting the hang of things.

One thing that I have definitely learned since having Harper is to be who I want to be. I recently got a tattoo of an arrow and I got that tattoo for several reasons. My favorite song is Follow your Arrow by Kacey Musgraves because the message she is sending is so true. No matter what, people will judge you and have something to say, so just do what you want to do. I also got it because in life, just like an arrow, you have to go backwards to go forward. You pull an arrow back to launch it forward. Looking back, all of the times I learned the best lessons and was the strongest was right after I was knocked down by something else. And lastly, I am at such a crossroads in life right now. I got a little off track with my relationship and my responsibilities. I wanted to be who I was before I was a mom and fiance. I quickly realized my family is my number one and I am so embarrassed to admit that, but sometimes you have to step back to see how important what you have truly is. I think I was just scared about our big move coming up and wanted to find a way to stay here in my comfort zone. Then I remembered the whole reason we decided to go for this was for Harper. If I didn't go because of my own selfish reasons I would be a horrible mom and be a disappointment to myself and Harper. I can't let my little girl down.

So, with that being said May is the month when I will leave my California home and move to North Carolina. We're hoping for May 1 or anytime close to that. Gavin will be going first on March 23 and I will finish up a few more weeks of work. I am excited to see what adventures North Carolina has to offer our family. Hopefully I will get my credential and Harper will get a baby brother or sister! It is bittersweet thinking about not being able to show Harper all the things Gavin and I did growing up here in Santa Maria, or showing her our high school and where our relationship started and of course we will be leaving our families and friends behind, but I am excited to form new memories that only our little family will share. We can start our own traditions and create our own special spots around town.

Life has a crazy way of working itself out. Even though we never know what will happen next there are some things I am absolutely positive of. Prayer is the most powerful thing ever. I have been praying and talking to God constantly, and turning to him for guidance and trusting in him and even though I was a little lost, He led me right to where I needed to be. I also am positive that being a mom is the best thing to ever happen to me. I just wish everyone could walk in my shoes for a day to understand the feeling I have about being a mom. It's like my heart is always about to explode with happiness. Nothing ever seems so bad because I just feel so lucky and blessed, especially to have Harper as my daughter. I know she was meant to be mine because she keeps me on my toes and has taught me so much. She is so smart and beautiful and amazing and funny. She's simply the best. I absolutely love my little diva.