Out with the old, in with the new.

It's nap time and I am sitting here eating my new obsession of strawberry granola and Dr. pepper. Moments like this are few and far between. I cherish them just as much as every moment with Harper. As I sit here, I realized it's New Year's Eve! Holy crap where did the year go? 2013 was overall a good year. Harper turned one, she learned to walk, we went to Palm Springs, we took her to Spring Training in Arizona, I got an amazing job with the school district, I strengthened a few friendships and even lost a few. Whenever a new year is about to start, everyone claims this next year will be the best, that they will change and do things different. I hate that. You shouldn't have to wait for a new year to start a new you, to better yourself or to make a change. Even though I hate it, I find myself making a list of things I want to do in 2014.

As I look ahead to 2014, I get scared. There are so many new things happening in the next year that I don't really know if I am ready for, but I have no choice but to face them head on. I also am excited because there will be many new exciting things happening too! The biggest change next year will be the fact that we will be living across the country in a whole new city. It's scary to not know what will happen or how it will be, but I am so excited to experience a whole new place. Another big change is our wedding. Although we still don't have a new date set, it will most likely be in March. It's crazy to think I will finally be a Mrs. Along with these two big things which are pretty much obvious big changes, there are some other changes that Gavin and I are planning.

We are hoping to give Harper a baby brother or sister in 2014 or at least become pregnant in 2014. I cannot wait for her to be a big sister. I am also excited to just have another little baby around again. I feel like Harper is still young, but I swear she is one going on 20! She is so sassy and smart. I am so amazed at how much she knows and understands. She talks so much now. She says no so clearly now and just sits there and says no, no, no over and over. She also says dink which means drink and peas which is please. She also has her own variations of thank you, mine, paci, night night, help, ow, soda and food. She has also taken up an interest in the potty. Not sure if I am ready for that or not. The other day, she pooped and when I told her to come to the changing table to get changed she went to the bathroom and said sit and pointed to the toilet! I wasn't sure what to do, but I sat her down and told her to go potty. She obviously had no idea what to do but I couldn't believe she knew what the toilet was! Later that day she went to the bathroom and said sit again but she had a dry diaper so I thought, this is it and was ready to cry when she sat on the toilet, but again she didn't go. I think she will get it soon though. It scares me to think about how fast she is growing up.

Another thing that will happen in 2014 is full blown toddler stage. My baby truly isn't a baby anymore. She will turn 2!! This cannot happen. She needs to stay little forever. I am excited for her second birthday though because we are taking her to Disney World in Florida! I know that this will be my favorite memory with her for 2014.

I also will hopefully be finishing school. It's been a real struggle, but I know I need to finish school for my family's sake. Hopefully it will go as planned.

I know there are many things that will happen in 2014 that I am not planning for or expecting, but that's okay. Something I learned this year, which is super hard for me, is to just let things go and accept them as they are. I have been trying to really not stress myself out over little things and I still struggle with it, but I am hoping 2014 will help me to continue to learn how to just go with the flow.

I am a big lyric freak and I love to find songs that I feel fit my mood or situation. I think the perfect song for 2014 for me, is called Brave by Sarah Bareilles. I think it is perfect for everyone. We all need to just say what we want to say, and show the world how big our brave is. Happy New Year everyone! From my family to yours.

I couldn't end a post without pictures of Harper!!

You never know until you try...

Something I always tell myself is that it's better to try something than to live the rest of your life thinking "What if?" Now, I am living that motto out because...the Kelly family (a.k.a Gavin, Harper and I) are possibly moving to North Carolina! An opportunity has arisen for Gavin which means our family would have to pack up and move about 2,000 miles across the country. Immediately I got butterflies in my stomach, the kind you feel when you're super nervous. As a mom, I thought about school districts, doctors, dentists, day care, parks, anything and everything Harper will need raced through my mind. All I want is the best for my daughter. We had to think about this for many weeks about what we were going to do. Do we move? Do we take Harper away from her grandparents and all the family she has known since the day she was born? Or do we stay? Continue living in our comfort zone? Keep living here where it is questionable when we will be able to get up on our feet and on our own? After many talks, Gavin and I decided the best thing to do is to move. Although it breaks our hearts to leave we know that the cost of living is lower and it is an opportunity to become fully dependent on solely each other. It would be our chance to start our family and live our lives...like a fresh start. Of course there are many repercussions of this and the biggest one is our wedding which was scheduled for July. Now, in July, we will be across the country since the move would take place in March or April. Nothing is for sure yet, but we had to break the news to our parents and family on none other than Thanksgiving day.

It was like deja vu. I was scared to death to tell my parents because I knew they would be sad. I felt like I was telling them I was pregnant! Again! But, after many tears and tissues, I think we have the support of our families. It was hardest to tell my sister. She is my best friend and we are always there for each other. I have never ever been away from home for longer than a week and I have never been that far away. It is the scariest thing I have ever done and yet at the same time I am so excited! We will know no one and be in this completely new environment and culture. This is our chance to make the life for our daughter we have always wanted. It's our chance to learn to lean on each other. I know there are a lot of people who do not want to see Harper go and at first, I was hesitant to go because I knew that. But, after many sleepless nights and prayers, I realized I have to do what is best for my daughter, I can't try to base my decision on how other people will feel. I have the most amazing best friend, Lindsey, who has supported me and talked me through this decision so many times and I don't know how I am going to be without her or any of my other friends.

Anyone who has a child knows that your kid is your number 1 priority 100% of the time. I truly believe in my heart this will be the best choice for Harper and my family. We will be able to afford our own place and truly provide for her on our own. It will also strengthen Gavin and I as a couple and there is nothing I want more than to have a healthy, happy relationship to show my daughter.

It breaks my heart to imagine having to tell Harper to say good-bye to her grandparents and aunt and uncles. She is such a big part of everyone's life here and I constantly freak out trying to imagine how we will say good bye before getting on a plane to leave. Far away. For a long time. It is so scary and sad and any other emotion that makes my stomach turn. I have to stay positive and remember we would never know unless we tried, which is what life is about.

Life is always going to be full of ups and downs and twists and turns. This move is just another twist in our life story. It's a big step for us as a family but life would be boring if we didn't take chances or jump at new opportunities. I am excited to expose Harper to seasons and different cultures and all new things. I am excited to live on the east coast closer to my dad's side of the family and my mom's sister. It's also perfect timing because right now, Gavin and I do not own a house and we barely have furniture so it's like we truly will be starting fresh and starting our life together.

We have decided to get married before we move, this means not a big wedding like we planned. Although I am disappointed, I am also relieved. I always wanted just a small, intimate ceremony and now I get to have that. Before, my big wedding was more for everyone else.

I know this isn't really about Harper and I am sure people are sad to not see pictures of that crazy girl this time, I will post again soon about my crazy little girl :)

So, the moral of this blog is if you're thinking about doing something crazy or exciting but aren't sure if you should? DO IT! You never know until you try...

Being the perfect mom

It's been a while since I last posted, and it's because Harper is definitely mobile and running around and requires a lot more attention! She has earned the nickname Hurricane Harper because she will tear through everything it's crazy! Since she turned one, I feel like she has just grown and changed so much and it happens seriously over night! She had her well baby 12 month check up at the beginning of this month and when they weighed her she only weighed 17 pounds. When I saw that I thought that's tiny! But, I figured it was okay. Well when the Dr. came in she said she was only in the 7th percentile for her weight. When I heard that, I acted like it was okay because the Dr. wasn't concerned just said that she is petite which we knew from the start because she takes after me and Harper's pediatrician was also mine so she knows my medical history. The Dr. also said just try to get her at least to the 15th percentile. In reality, as I nodded my head and smiled and pretended to joke about her being so small, on the inside I was ripping myself apart! How could I let my daughter stay so small? What am I doing wrong? It's MY fault she is so small and isn't growing at the right rate. I felt so horrible and lost all confidence in myself as a mom and all my decisions. We decided when Harper was about 8 months old to try BLW (baby led weaning). This is where you let your baby teach themselves to eat and feed themselves which is why Harper was able to feed herself with a fork and spoon so early. It's also where there is no puree and is strictly anything we would eat, to a certain extent. She eats everything and anything and I never even doubted she wasn't gaining weight. Hearing she was in the 7th percentile also made me doubt my decision to do BLW.

When Harper was born, I told myself and everyone that I would nurse and never use formula. That changed when my PPD (post-partum depression) kicked in and nursing gave me anxiety and made me resent Harper. I knew I had to stop nursing to start bonding with my daughter. I know people have their opinions on nursing vs. formula, but I think I made the right choice for my baby. Then, I started regretting that choice thinking, "if I nursed her, she would be growing better". I know that it's just the genes she inherited and even though she has been on a more carb and protein diet to gain weight, I still struggle with this guilt of not doing the best for my daughter. I know this may come as a shock to some, because I haven't shared these feelings with anyone before now but it's so hard being a mom. When things like this happen, it's hard not to blame yourself.

As a mom, I am responsible for making all kinds of choices for Harper on a daily basis, like when she will eat, what she eats, when she needs a bath, what she wears, when she sleeps, where she goes, the list goes on and on. It is a HUGE responsibility and whenever I think about it, I freak out! At times, I still need my mom to help me so how can I be in charge of someone else?! This past year I have grown to be more confident and sure of myself and the choices I make, but every once in a while I can't help but second guess myself!

We have also been struggling with the whole "No" thing. I can't seem to teach her that no means don't do it. Whenever I tell her no she just gives me the cutest, biggest smile that melts my heart and I so badly want to just say it's okay do whatever you want but I know I need to stand firm to teach her right from wrong. I think I have said this before and now to a 13 month old, I believe it even more....discipline is so important! If I don't teach her wrong from right now, she will grow up thinking she is entitled to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. I do not want my daughter to be a snob when she's older and I know there are values that need to be instilled in her now. I try my best and I hope I am doing an okay job! I watched this video the other day and it is exactly how I feel! I hope one day Harper will respond the same way these kids did!

 Being a mom is a full time job with no holidays and like they say, find a job you love and you'l never work a day in your life. That is how I feel about being a mom. It is such hard work and there's never really a "break" but I love it so much that I never feel like I'm doing a job. I do get tired and stressed but I would never, ever trade motherhood for anything else. I love holding Harper when she wakes up in the middle of the night crying, or cuddling in bed when she refuses to sleep in hers. I love when she gives me kisses or her new thing--eskimo kisses. I love how she runs to me when I get home for work or how she says bye-bye when I tell her mommy is going to work. I love every moment, good and bad, with her. She is amazing and makes me see so much goodness and innocence in life. She truly is the biggest blessing I have ever received and I cannot imagine ever living without her. I wake up everyday looking forward to the new things Harper will learn and I find myself so excited for the holidays again because being a mom during the holidays is so fun! I get to take her trick or treating and teach her how to separate her candy (and save the good stuff for mom), I get to be Santa and watch her open up the presents and wonder how he knew exactly what to get her, I get to be the tooth fairy and see her get so excited when her teeth fall out, I get to be the Easter Bunny and watch her search for all the eggs, I get to be the one who brings her so much joy and will be the one to create so many memories for her to look back on.

One thing I look forward to the most is starting traditions! With the holiday season approaching I am looking forward to so many new traditions. With Halloween, we went to the pumpkin patch and carved a pumpkin-which I had never done before ever! and Harper painted a pumpkin too. Those are our new traditions, along with eating pumpkin shaped mac and cheese before we go out trick or treating!
With Thanksgiving I haven't come up with anything creative yet but I'm searching pinterest for ideas! I know when she gets a little older, we will be going to volunteer at the homeless shelter to help serve dinner.
For Christmas, I am looking forward to starting elf on the shelf! I cannot wait for November 30 so I can read her the story and start our elf adventure. I am also looking forward to teaching Harper how to give back, especially during the holidays. We will be picking an angel off the tree to donate a gift. I want Harper to always realize how blessed she is. We have so much to give and even though we have been through hard times, we have never gone without anything. Harper is such a loving sweet girl that I think she will be super excited to give back once she is old enough to understand what she is doing.

I am so in love with my baby girl it's amazing. I never have known a love so deep or true. She is seriously the best thing to ever happen to me! For all of you who thought my life was ruined, you were wrong...my life has only begun.



Here are some pictures of Harper's pumpkin painting. She was so careful and didn't get paint everywhere!

Harper's first birthday party

Well, I did it! I survived my first year as a mommy :) almost anyways...Harper's real birthday isn't until tomorrow but technically she is 1 now and I couldn't be more excited! Harper has brought so much joy and love into my life. I have a whole new outlook on my life and where I want to go and become. She has shown me what is truly important in life. I think being her mom has been the biggest blessing I could have ever received and I am forever grateful for her. She is the sweetest, most loving little girl. She just shows me how truly blessed I am to be alive each day and she doesn't even know it! Her spunk and sense of humor has opened my eyes to all the good in the world and how amazing things are. The way she gets excited over a piece of paper and a pen makes me see the goodness in even the smallest things. She is simply amazing and I am so in love with Harper Monroe Kelly. She teaches me things on a daily basis.

Harper discovered my belly ring a few weeks ago and she loves to play with it and play "peek-a-boo" with it lol what she doesn't know is that I absolutely hate showing my stomach! I think it is the flabbiest, nastiest part of my body. This morning though, when I was feeling extra flabby, she lifted up my shirt to play peek-a-boo with my belly button ring and I realized she loves me for me. She doesn't see the nasty flab I see, she just sees her mom. She loves me when I am mad, sad, or happy. She is always there and always welcomes me with kisses and hugs and cuddles. She is amazing. She single handedly showed me it is okay to be me. How amazing is it that I could learn such a huge lesson from such a tiny little girl? Crazy. But it's just another reason to love her!

Anyways, back to her birthday party! It was a huge success. I was so nervous putting it all together, but I got so many compliments on the things I did. I think the biggest hit was the lemonade bar! It actually turned out really well and the flavors worked too! Harper loves all of her presents and this morning, it was almost like she forgot about them because she was surprised all over again! I think she is set for winter with all of the clothes she got! Thank you to everyone who came and celebrated with us! It was so fun and I'm glad everyone had a good time. Here's some pictures of her big day!

It was such a fun day with friends and family and lots of food! I am so excited to see what this next year brings as I leave the world of being a mommy to a baby and head into the toddler world! I'm sure it will only be more fun, more smiles and more love! (and hopefully a sibling for Harper ;) )

Harper's Birthday Celebration!

Harper's first birthday is exactly 11 days away! where has the time gone?? This Saturday, the 21 could have been Harper's birthday because that was my original due date...until she decided to be 9 days late. Typical. But, we are starting her birthday celebration on Saturday with a trip to the zoo! I can't wait to take her because last time we went, she was still too young to know what was happening. Now, she knows her animals and sounds ( a select few anyways) and can walk! It will be so fun I cannot wait to take a million pictures :) We are also going to breakfast too! Her birthday party is on the 28 and is rainbow themed! I am so stressed about her party because it is her first birthday party and my first time planning anything. I want everything to be perfect. We are having a lemonade bar, hamburger sliders and chocolate covered marshmallows. I am also making cupcakes and she of course has her own cake to eat :) I am looking forward to the cake eating the most! I think it is so adorable to watch babies eat their first birthday cake.

It's been a busy few weeks since I last posted. I have finally gotten into the groove of going back to school and managing all my mommy tasks. I think it's actually going pretty well! Harper is down to just one bottle a day and it is her night time bottle. Half the time she doesn't even drink it all! She is also down to half formula and half milk. So, 4 ounces of each. It hasn't been easy but I think the hardest part which was taking away the morning bottle has actually been going pretty well. It's kind of nice that she was pretty okay with getting rid of her bottle.

Harper has also gained some new attitude and gives people the dirtiest looks now! She also shakes her head and pulls away when she doesn't want you to do something...little booger is my new nickname for her because she has turned into such a firecracker! I don't know where she gets it because I am not like that and neither is Gavin. It's been tough because I don't know how or if I should punish her. I also found myself at a loss of what to do when she hit me and my immediate thought was slap her hand and say no hitting, but I stopped myself because then I realized I would be hitting her as a way to teach her not to. So this has been an ongoing battle for me lately...how do I teach her no without contradicting myself? I feel so bad when she cries and she knows it too because she will throw her head back and scream and cry! I thought she was only going to be one...didn't know terrible two's started this early!

Besides her attitude, Harper has also learned so much. She knows animal sounds, she recognizes airplanes, she knows all of her facial body parts and can eat with a fork. I am one proud mama! She also will grab keys and say bye-bye and walk towards the door. We've been working on hitting a baseball off of the tee aka mom and dads hands...she's really getting the hang of it! She loves shopping with me and will run around the store grabbing everything she can find and screaming with excitement! I love taking her shopping. I would definitely have to say that so far, this age is my favorite. She is so much fun and she's hilarious! She goes to football games with me and loves shaking the girls' poms and walking around the track. We were so blessed to have such an easy going baby...she will find entertainment wherever we go so it's never hard to please her. We don't even have to pack toys to keep her busy when we go out because she will find something.

As sad as I am that this year is coming to an end, I am very happy to see it go! I am a whole new person with a whole new attitude on life and family and I am ready to start this next chapter of being a mom to a toddler. I am excited for my wedding next summer and to start thinking of baby number two! Can you imagine? Harper as a big sister...too cute! She loves babies and I can't wait to give her a baby brother or sister (hopefully brother!!). I plan on posting a blog of things that got us through this first year as parents like specific toys and clothing items. As winter creeps up on us, I am so glad she is out of an infant carrier! Carrying that thing in the rain was the biggest bitch! I am super excited about getting Harper some rain boots though! and to splash in the puddles with her :) I am in love with being a mom! It makes me feel like a kid again and I love watching Harper learn as well as teaching her new things. The feeling of pride I get when she learns something new is the best feeling ever. I was telling Gavin today, I am obsessed with my daughter. She seriously is amazing! She's so smart and funny and hello! freaking adorable ;) I wouldn't trade motherhood for anything!

                                                                  Giving dad one of her many looks

                                                                        Feeding herself yogurt

                                                                        doing some shopping

Bye-Bye Bottle

Harper will be 1 in exactly 23 days! I cannot believe the time is fast approaching. I am in party planning mode and everytime I get online to do school work I become distracted by Pinterest and Etsy! I need some serious intervention! But with Harper turning one, it's not all cake and balloons and presents there is a whole other side to it, a horrible side that I hate already...weaning her from the bottle and formula.

Harper's normal routine was wake up at 7:30 or 8 ish and have an 8 ounce bottle right away, followed by actual breakfast about an hour later and then snack when the daycare kids get one. Then lunch and maybe a bottle but there is always two bottles in the evening. One around dinner and another at 8 or so when she goes down for bed. Now, with this whole bye-bye baba thing its no bottle first thing in the morning and only 6 ounces of formula and 2 ounces of milk. I was always one who said it's ridiculous for babies to have a bottle after one...let me tell you I am slowly changing my mind to think maybe it's okay for her to just have one for the rest of her life! This morning was day 1 of no morning bottle....she was horrible! So cranky and wanted to just be held by mom the whole morning! Getting ready was a nightmare because I couldn't put her down without a complete meltdown happening, so I got ready with one hand and Harper in the other (Sometimes I wonder why we even have two arms, as a mom I probably can do most tasks with just one now). Of course I will stick to my plan of no bottle in the morning and slowly wean her off and onto a sippy of milk instead but it is so hard to deal with meltdowns! Especially when I am half asleep and in zombie mode all day. I fully intend to have Harper off a bottle and almost fully on milk within the next 23 days....it's going to be hard and probably very trying, but as a mom it's something I have to do. I know she hates the change as much as I do right now but one day I know I will look back and think why can't it still be that easy?

The other day I was wiping Harper's snotty nose (another thing I claimed my child would never be was a snotty nosed, dirty fingernail baby...ha!) she was squirming around and I kept saying I'm sorry bug I have to and then something hit me, this little girl is my responsibility! It was a crazy feeling because for a while I hadn't thought of it like that. This little girl is going to grow up into the person I shape her to be. Every move I make and every word I say will be mirrored by her. It's a huge thing to realize someone's life and personality will all be shaped and molded by you...talk about pressure! I have to do things for her and with her that she probably won't like but I have to know what's best for her. I kind of felt like when did I become the mom that is supposed to  know the answer to every problem and be able to fix everything? It's crazy to think Harper will be coming to be for advice and guidance in her life and it's up to me to point her in the right direction.

It makes me sick when I see parents neglecting their kids to go out and have fun every night and weekend and would gladly trade a night of partying for a night in with their kid/kids. I know I go out and have fun but that is on occasion and not until I have fulfilled my duties as a mom. Young kids are so vulnerable and are being shaped everyday. When you aren't there for your kids, no matter their age, it will affect them. I feel like if you feel like partying and drinking is more important than your child then you don't deserve to be a mom or dad!

I've been a lot more opinionated on this topic lately and I feel like I've just been hostile towards everyone and everything lately. It's because I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions without any rest. I am officially going to school full time as well as working two jobs everyday. Now that I am writing this out, I feel like maybe this is part of the reason why Harper has been so clingy to me...I am always so busy and I feel like I never see her anymore. I have school work every night, along with laundry and cleaning up after Harper and myself and working until 5. I don't go in until 11:30 so most of the time my mornings are filled with doing chores too. I am just so drained and exhausted. I've been going to bed right after Harper lately and waking up just as tired as I was the night before. I really need a vacation! Being a mom and a fiance has been super hard lately because I feel like I can't focus on just one thing at a time. My mind is constantly going a mile a minute with all these thoughts like what homework is due? or what needs to be cleaned? and of course lately I can't go two minutes without thinking about Harper's birthday party and what I need to add to the ever growing list.

This week has been a hard one. It was full of transitions and new experiences. I know I need to slow down and enjoy more moments with Harper. I always try to remind myself that the "things" that are most important aren't actually 'things' at all, but memories and moments that I get to just be with my family and enjoy each other. I now know that juggling the many roles I have is going to take hard work and time to get used to. I also know that once I get there, it will all be worth it in the end.

Eye of the Tiger

Yes, I am referring to the Katy Perry song Roar. It might sound cheesy, but I am in love with this song and I feel like I can conquer anything when I hear it. The other day I was listening to it and I realized I am such a strong person (Not trying to toot my own horn or anything). I have been through so much in my short 22 years of life and I think I'm doing an okay job at living my life being the best I can be! I have been super stressed lately and emotional knowing that Harper's 1st birthday is lurking around the corner. As we all await this huge celebration I have come to realize my first year at mother hood is coming to an end. It has been such an amazing journey of learning. There have been tears, laughs, more tears, more laughs and even more tears. I think the year has been so trying on all of my relationships. It has been a year of learning who was truly there and who didn't really care. It made me appreciate others so much more, my parents especially. I have also noticed my priorities are completely different now.

Before, I would always put myself first before anyone. Now, Harper comes before anyone, including myself. I love that little girl more than life itself and I will do anything for her. She is my number 1 until the day I die. She has become my best friend. Harper is crazy! She already has an attitude problem and knows what she wants and how to get it! She's definitely not a baby anymore :( She is hilarious and smart too! I could go on and on about her all day.

I look at Harper sometimes when I put her down for bedtime and I think about how different life would be without her. I feel like my life would have no meaning. She just brings this light into my life that I cannot imagine living without it. It's because of Harper that I have to be thankful for all of my mistakes and all of the bad times in my life. Everything I have gone through has brought me to where I am today and I know it is exactly where I need to be.

I haven't posted in a while because I have been super busy! Work started and it's football season and to any cheer coach they know how busy I am. Next month will be full of firsts! My Harper is turning the big 1! and I start my first classes working towards my Bachelor's Degree. I am not looking forward to next month at all.

To me, next month will just confirm that my little 7 pound 14 ounce baby will be a big bad one year old who is WALKING btw! I have such mixed emotions about this. I am so excited because I love watching her grow and become a child and develop a personality and likes and dislikes, but I just wish she could stay this little forever. I love my morning cuddles and her sweet innocent smiles. Having Harper truly made me realize I need to cherish each moment.

I am also so nervous to go back to school. I have never gone to school as a mom. I don't know how I will split up my time evenly or how I will even focus on school work, but I know that going back to school is so important for me and for Harper. I want Harper to be able to see that her mom went to school and is successful and can provide for her with no problem. I want to give Harper the best of everything and without a college degree I know that will not happen. Speaking of being a good example to Harper, the latest struggle in the Hargadon-Kelly family is discipline. Harper has become this little hurricane of a baby and I don't even know how to begin to teach her no.

I want her to learn at a young age how to act because even though she is only 11 months old, I know that she understands me and what I say to her. I have always been big on having a well behaved and respectful child. I try teaching her no and I don't like that or I say "that's not ours" when she steals toys away from kids. I am a psych major so I know she has different developmental stages to go through and she probably doesn't understand why she shouldn't take toys away from someone, but she does need to understand that screaming at the top of her lungs for more food won't cut it with this momma. It's just hard figuring out how to teach these things to someone so young, but it can be done and I will do it. Definitely one of the first hard momma moments when you tell her no and she cries, with tears, and you have to stand your ground! So heartbreaking, but just like anything I do, I know it is what's best for her.

                                                       Our Sunday Funday last weekend!

                                                 Someone please tell me where my baby went??

                                                Such a diva! She loves sunglasses just like her mom :)

                                                                    Little Miss Attitude!

The Struggle

Sorry for another Vegas reference, but while we were there, my friends and I would constantly joke about the struggle of keeping up with each other in heels and drinking a lot. It was a fun kind of struggle. But, since being home I realized I do have a struggle that is very real and not as fun as drinking and dancing in Vegas.

I feel like this blog was going to happen eventually but I guess since coming home from vacation I've been in a funk and it was hard to get back into my routine. I feel like this is the most open and honest I will ever be on this blog and I don't really know why I feel so compelled to share on such a public medium, but everything happens for a reason. Here goes nothing!

100 pounds. It was such a huge thing for me to reach 100 pounds in high school, so huge that my friends and I even celebrated me making it to triple digits! I felt so accomplished and proud to not be the 80 something pound girl anymore. Right before I got pregnant, I weighed 109 pounds. I was working out every day and had my ideal body. I was so lucky and even though I complained about my body, looking back I was so blessed. I was in amazing shape and I could literally wear whatever I wanted and not have to worry about looking fat. During my pregnancy, I gained about 30-35 pounds putting me in the ball park of 140 pounds the day I delivered Harper. I was super healthy during my pregnancy minus the occasional chili cheese fries or big mac cravings. I ate a lot of fruits and vegetables and tofu. So according to the Dr. I gained the perfect amount of weight and had a super healthy, complication free pregnancy.

I had always missed my pre-pregnancy body while I was pregnant and couldn't weight until I could exercise again. I assumed I would be back at my perfect body right away. I was wrong. I had to wait 6 weeks before I could exercise after Harper was born and trying to schedule some gym time with a baby isn't the easiest thing in the world. Since I had nursed for a little bit, and since most of the weight was really the baby and placenta and all that other fun pregnant stuff most of the weight melted right off. But, there were those few extra pounds leaving me a little bigger than before.I tried getting back into my work out routine but it just seemed impossible with the baby and working and being exhausted. I became so unhappy with my body. I felt disgusting and fat and ugly. I don't really know where or when it happened it just felt like one day I woke up and thought I am so unattractive. I know most people look at me and think I'm crazy and I'm skinny but to me, I'm the biggest I have ever been and I honestly don't know how to take it.

Now that Harper is older, I try to find time once she goes to bed, but honestly after working all day and staying home with Harper I'm ready for bed at the same time she is. Being a mom and working out is a lot harder than I thought and the moms who make it work get huge kudos from me because I just can't seem to figure it out yet. I struggle daily with my body image. I hate looking in the mirror and I hate getting dressed. I feel like this huge, nasty person and I don't want to be me. I cry in the shower sometimes or sometimes I avoid looking in the mirror altogether. Other times I look in the mirror and pinch my fat wishing it would just go away. I struggle daily with being in my own skin. I try to eat as healthy as I can and I do work out occasionally when I can find time. I know the real solution is to accept my new body. The body that produced this beautiful little girl of mine. I know it takes time to lose your baby weight but I just feel like it's taking too long. It seems like it should be off by now. I hate it and I wish I could learn to accept it, but honestly I don't know if I can.

My insecurity has affected me in a lot of ways. It has hugely impacted my relationship with Gavin and I feel so bad about it, but I just can;t help it. He tells me daily that he thinks I'm beautiful and I don't believe him. I know I'm not what I was when we met. I know my body is different. It has also put a huge dent in my self confidence. I used to be able to walk around with my head held high and now, I catch myself staring at the ground hoping no one will notice me. I also notice I am not as outgoing or friendly as I used to be. I just don't want anyone to notice me and my fat.

I know some of you are thinking well just work out or go on a diet. Trust me, it isn't easy when you work and have a baby and are about to go back to school for your degree. I never have time to go to the gym and when I do, I honestly would rather pick sleep because I am exhausted.

I don't mean to sound miserable because I'm not. I love my daughter and fiance and all the fun we have and I absolutely LOVE my job and am super excited about going back to school. I know life could be worse for me, but there is just one part of me that I feel is holding me back. I hope and pray and wish for the day when I can look in a mirror and be happy with what I see again or at least to just see what everyone else sees in me. But for now, all I see is something I hate and am disgusted by.

I didn't write this as a pity party or as a way to fish for compliments. I wrote it because I am trying to make my blog as real as possible and to show all aspects of being a mom. I also wrote it as a reminder to never judge a book by its cover. People can look at me and Harper and Gavin and think my world is perfect, in some ways, to me, it is and in other ways, it is completely broken.

What happens in Vegas...

For those of you that follow me on instagram know that I just went on a 5 day trip with my friends to Vegas! It was so much fun and I had an awesome time, but I am definitely glad to be home with my family. I missed Harper and Gavin so much and I have never felt closer to either of them! I'm sure you're wondering why I am talking about my Vegas trip when it has nothing to do with Harper. Well even though everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas there is something that did not stay in Vegas and that was a lesson I learned from a douchebag bouncer. I am very passionate about this lesson, so please excuse my language.

One of the nights we were in Vegas, we wanted to get into a club that we knew were going to get in for free at, but we just had to talk to the person who promised that. So, when they did not answer the phone we went up to the security guard/bouncers and tried to explain the situation. There was one that was super nice and had no problem with us, but this other asshole decided to be rude to us and start making unnecessary comments about us being 22. He told us we were self centered and I made a comment about knowing the world does not revolve around me because I am a mom and nothing is about me. He then proceeded to tell me my daughter was self centered too and he knew that for a fact. I immediately became upset. At first, I was crying because how can some idiot man talk crap about my baby girl he knows nothing about? We ended up walking away and halfway down the escalator, I turned into mama lion mode and was pissed! So, Amanda (shout out to her for deciding to speak up!) went to find a manager who then asked us to show her who he was. Long story short, we confronted the asshole who tried to play dumb. I have never been more fear less of a huge man in my life. I wanted to punch this man in the face, kick him in the shins, anything to hurt him like he hurt me. How dare he talk about my innocent daughter?! ughh just thinking about it still gets me worked up!

So what's the lesson I learned? Well, I learned a few.

First, I learned that your motherly instincts aren't all about knowing when something is wrong, but also knowing to protect your child(ren). The way I felt when I was yelling at that man was so crazy. I didn't care what would happen to me, all I cared about was defending my daughter. The courage and strength I had came out of nowhere. I mean, I love my friends to death, but if he would have left it at calling us self centered and stuff I would not have spoken up. But, for my Harper I would have done anything. I never knew what it felt like to be willing to take a bullet for anyone until now. It amazes me how willing I was to do whatever it took to make sure he knew he was wrong!

Second, I learned that this wasn't the last time I will have to defend my daughter. I know throughout life Harper will have many conflicts and problems in life and it is my job as her mom to be there and protect and defend her. We all know girls are catty and as much as I wish I could, I know I can't stop things from happening to Harper; I can't put her in a bubble. But, knowing that I am strong enough to be there for her is so comforting.

Lastly, I learned that I needed to understand hurting that man would not have been the answer. Yes, I would have felt so good knowing this guy was in pain, but that's not what I would want Harper to learn. I would have wanted her to stand up for herself of course, but not to stoop to the other person's level. Children will repeat what we do and the more I think about the more I realize how proud Harper would have been to know that I stood up for her and didn't get ghetto even though I wanted to so badly!!

Some of you may think I am over reacting and that's fine, but once you understand or if you have kids I am sure you would have done the same thing.

I also realized that I am slowly moving into a different stage of my life. I had an amazing trip and did some crazy things, but being home felt so much better. I am so happy to be home with my two best friends, Gavin and Harper, and I wouldn't mind if I never went on another trip ever again. I don't want to do things without them. The entire trip I found myself thinking "Gavin would love this" or "Harper would have so much fun here" I realize my family is the most important thing and I don't want to experience things without sharing it with them. As Harper gets older I feel myself actually forming a true friendship with her. We laugh and play and I know she actually can comprehend what's happening now and it was what I missed the most about being home.

I am so lucky though to have been able to go. My amazing fiance held down the fort while I was gone and made sure everything was going smoothly so I didn't have to worry. I truly am so lucky to have him in my life! Being away for so long truly opened my eyes to that and I have never enjoyed cuddling with him so much in my life!

I felt like some people judged me for leaving Harper for so long and thought I was a bad mom, but I think I deserved a little vacation. Being a mom doesn't mean I have to stay cooped up all day and not do anything. When I became a mom I didn't turn into some boring old lady. I think some people think that being parents means not interacting with other people. I can't do that. I need to have real adult conversations and do my own thing and Gavin and I need time for ourselves to strengthen our relationship as a couple. So, if you thought I was a bad mom for going to Vegas, I disagree. Honestly, I think it was just what I needed because I feel refreshed and my relationship with Gavin seems stronger.

Vegas didn't just leave me with hangovers and amazing nights, but it also gave me a new outlook on being a mom and soon to be wife as well as lessons I needed to learn. So, not everything that happens in Vegas needs to stay in Vegas :)

                                                Saying Good-Bye at the aiport was horrible! 
                                                        (Hence my fake smile)

                                             At our favorite club in Vegas!  

                                              Harper playing with the light stick I brought home for her and wearing her Vegas shirt! Being reunited was the best feeling ever!

10 months old!

Today my little lovebug Harper is 10 months old! Such a bittersweet one. It, to me, is just reminding me that 12 months aka 1 years old is just around the corner! My baby has grown so much in these past 10 months. She is now a very quick crawler and a strong stander. She walks with the help of mom or dad's hand or her walker, but sadly there are no signs of her walking on her own any time soon! She loves fruit! Especially grapes, watermelon and strawberries. She also likes tomatoes and some veggies like carrots and green beans. She also likes tofu, chicken, rice, yogurt, waffles and avocados. Let's face it, she will eat anything she can get a hold of! She is allergic to bananas though which is a total bummer because bananas are amazing! We recently found out it is not the actual banana but the protein in bananas that her body will simply reject.
She is also anemic and on iron drops daily. Hopefully she will grow out of that!

I have a little trouble maker on my hands but she is just so much fun! She pats my chest and says shh to put me to bed and she shakes her finger for no no when she knows she's doing something wrong! She loves baby dolls and animals as well as getting her hair done! She sits perfectly still in the morning when I am putting her hair up. She also is amazed with me clipping her nails. We both love shopping at Target and I think she is finally recognizing when we go there because she gets excited which is so cute! I could go on forever with all the amazing things Harper does but I doubt anyone wants to read that! So, in honor of it being 10 months since my delivery I decided to share my delivery story. FYI it's not as graceful as they make it seem on tv so sorry for the details but I honestly wish someone would have told me these things before I had Harper.

I was always super nervous about labor because I freak out over everything. I was scared I wouldn't know what to do or that something would go wrong. My biggest fear was the epidural! I watched so many videos on youtube of epidurals being placed and read horror stories about things that went wrong. I scared myself so bad that for a while I decided against it! I was due September 21...Harper's birthday is September 30! Yup, 9 days late...so stubborn. I was so upset when my due date came and went because I had been anticipating it for so long! My Dr. checked me and said my cervix hadn't even softened and I wasn't even dilated. It was so hard to hear that I had to keep waiting. I tried everything...walking, speed bumps, pineapple, bouncing on a yoga ball, spicy foods, you name it I tried it. Then my Dr. reminded me that she didn't come because she is not ready and we want her to be ready and healthy when she comes so I patiently waited and waited until finally they decided to induce me. My induction date was September 28 and I was supposed to call the hospital at 6 a.m. and see if I could come in....well they were full! So I waited for them to call me back and they never did. They just kept saying it was full and they had to take high risk women first...I was so pissed! Then they called me at 6 in the morning on the 29 saying I could come in. I freaked out, this was it! So I grabbed my hospital bag and off we went...when I got there they said sorry we called the wrong patient and sent me home! I was livid! So I went home still pregnant and waited some more until finally they called and said to be there by 7 p.m. They told me to eat something but I couldn't. I was a ball of nerves. I don't even think I talked the whole day.

Once I was finally admitted, they started my IV and hooked me up to the monitors. They gave me a suppository that was supposed to soften my cervix and once that happened I would start pitocin. Well, I didn't need the pitocin because I went into labor on my own. At 3 a.m. I woke up to the worst pain of my life. It was so bad I was throwing up. It was back labor. I tried sitting and standing and nothing helped. They gave me pain medicine through my IV but all it did was make me throw up more. So, by 9 a.m. I was ready for an epidural. I was freaking out because I asked for it out of desperation, not sure that I could even handle going through with it! When the anesthesiologist came in I was legit shaking! Gavin had to leave and I was terrified. The nurse who was there to help reassured me I was going to survive. They had me sit on the edge of the bed and curve my back as much as I could. Then she gave me a shot of some numbing medication and once it set in, she started to stick the tube thing in my spine, but she missed! She hit my spine twice and I don't know what was worse...back labor or getting hit in the spine with a thin tube! Turns out I had a little bit of scoliosis due to pregnancy which made it a little hard for the epidural to be placed. Once I got it, I felt immediate relief! Then I had a catheter put in and they broke my water. After that, it's kind of a blur because I was so tired from not sleeping the night before but people were constantly in and out I could barely sleep. Then I remember the nurse telling me to try to push and I did and next thing I know I've been pushing for 10 minutes. It was hard to push and I actually stayed calm. I remember thinking don't stop Anna or you will never finish! I tend to give up when things get hard so I had to keep telling myself to fight through it. I remember someone saying she had a lot of hair and then she was on my chest.

The best feeling was finally holding my little girl I waited 9 months to meet! She was so calm and barely cried when she was born. She came out with one eye open and I knew at that moment she would be as crazy and curious as she is. After she was born, I still had to deliver the placenta which was so weird and annoying because I just wanted my baby and everyone else got to look at her and hold her while I was still chillin on the delivery bed. I also had an epesiotimy so I had to get stitches too. I was literally exhausted after labor and I wanted to sleep, but I had to wait because I didn't stop bleeding for a long time and had to have some emergency shot in my leg to help my blood clot. Once I did, they moved us all over to the  postpartum room and it was finally time for bed! Except every hour the nurse would come in to check Harper's temp and blood pressure and mine and then remind me to nurse. It was so annoying. At one point, Harper was screaming for a good hour and the nurse kept telling me to nurse when I knew she didn't want to and that she wanted a pacifier! They would not let us give her one because they were afraid of nipple confusion when they should have been afraid of me! I was livid and tired and overwhelmed. Finally, the nurse agreed and Harper fell asleep right away...mother's instinct.

Going home was scary because it was just the 3 of us. No nurses or doctors to help us. It was our responsibility to take care of this baby. It was hard at first, but we adjusted after a while and created a routine. I think next time I will be more prepared for labor and delivery now that I know what to expect. Some things I wish people would have told me? Well for one, no one told me how much and how long I would bleed for! I bled for a good month after I had Harper. I also wish I had brought certain things with me in my hospital bag like:
Chapstick
maxi pads with wings! (The hospital ones sucked and didn't stay in place)
Underwear (The hospital gives you these weird mesh looking things they call underwear, but they are one size fits all and don't work. So bring a good pair of "granny panties")
Snacks and drinks for Gavin
hair ties and bobby pins/clips
(also, I brought my own toiletries and jumped in the shower the first chance I got! Not the easiest, most graceful shower but the most refreshing shower I've ever taken was after labor)

Labor was hard and once you experience yourself, you realize why its called labor! But once you get past the first few weeks and settle into a routine, things get so much easier and before you know it they're 10 months old babbling on and getting into everything!

p.s. No one looks like Kate Middleton one day after labor! I was swollen and gross looking for days after!

Oh Darling, don't you ever grow up....

Being a mom is hard work. Especially to a 10 month old. I have decided this age so far is the hardest for me. Harper is on the verge of walking and gaining that little bit more of independence. She is also going through the whole throw it on the floor and make mom pick it up 100 times! (except after 5 tries I stop giving it back). She also is still learning what no means...notice I said STILL. And, we cannot forget the tantrums. She is learning to show her frustration and anger when things do not go her way. She will throw things and cry and whine. It is definitely the most trying time I have had so far. I think it has a lot to do with her mobility and "complaining".

Harper is almost walking! She will stand in the middle of the room and pull herself up on stuff as well as walking around when she pushes her walker or holding mom or dad's hand...just one hand! It's an exciting time to be a parent because she is truly growing by the day  minute. I feel like every day there is something new and exciting she is doing and walking is one of those huge milestones everyone will remember. It is also hard because she can't be put down in public yet since she is still crawling and let's face it...every mom is little bit of a germ-a-phobe. So, Harper will throw fits when she can't get down and crawl at dad's softball or basketball games and then people stare as I try to stay calm and take care of the shit show unfolding on my lap. It is exhausting at times constantly trying to entertain a baby who only wants to get down and move around. It's frustrating for me too because I know what she wants and I can't help her.

If you look up attitude in the dictionary, Harper's picture is the first thing you see. I don't know where it came from (definitely not mom) but it has arrived. I know I have a way worse attitude ahead of me in her teen years, but right now she's already crazy. When she doesn't want something, trust me, she will let you know. My daughter is nothing short of a pistol and I am proud of her! It gets very hard and tiring at times, but there is no way you can stay mad or frustrated with Harper. When she looks at me with her big brown eyes it's hard to remember exactly why she made me mad. It also can have a strain on my relationship with Gavin, especially this summer. I just started working for the school district so I had the summer off. This meant more quality time with Harper, but it also meant I was going to get the grunt of all the attitude, tantrums and messes as well because Gavin works all day. I sometimes would spend all day at home and with a 10 month old, cabin fever sets in a lot quicker...thankfully I still have my cheer squad and good friends! You have to be social and get out when you are a mom or you will go mad! I'm not trying to sound like I hate being a mom because I absolutely love it, but every mom can relate...you just need a break sometimes. I love taking Harper to Target. That is our fave place to shop. So, when she starts going a little crazy we hop in the car and away we go to target to walk around. I love that now she will sit in the cart and grab things and babble on like she is actually looking at clothes with me and talking. I cannot wait for those days when we can have real conversations where she will actually respond with words.

Like anything else, with bad and hard there is good and fun. Harper can be so much fun right now too. It is the best feeling watching her learn new things, right now, Harper's newest thing is peek-a-boo. If you say where is Harper I can't find her?! She will cover her eyes and squeeze them shut and then pull her hands away when you say peek-a-boo! It is so amazing to me, because no one really taught her that! It is so cool to see the things babies can pick up just by watching what other people do. This is the reason why I try to be a better person. I believe children will learn by example. People usually say do as I say not as I do, but the reality is they will do as you do. Speaking of being examples, Gavin and I were talking about gay marriages and racism and how it is ridiculous how much people can hate others. We got to talking and we both agreed we do not want Harper to grow up being judgmental. People were not born hating anyone. They do not know the difference between a straight couple and a gay couple or a black person from an Asian person. The hate people have was taught by children growing up and seeing, hearing and doing what their parents did.

I have a lot of hopes for Harper and her future. One of the biggest things I wish for her is to be accepting of everyone. I want her to grow up only hating vegetables or naps, not people. Especially not people because of sexual orientation, race, religion or any other reason. If we could all teach our children to just love one another it would be the start to something great. I know it's easier said than done, but some parents need to realize it starts with us, the parents. We are our children's first role model and we set the tone for what they will do as kids, teens and then as young adults.

Sorry for my rant...back to being Harper's mom.

Being a mom is hard. Out of all the things I think are hard about being a mom, the hardest thing for me is knowing my baby will grow up one day. It is accepting that she will one day be a young woman living her own life and won't need mommy. I am absolutely in love with my daughter and I love the amazing bond I share with her. It is so hard knowing one day she will be a big girl and be moving out and becoming an adult. The Taylor Swift song that makes me cry every time is "Never Grow Up". I think about the night Harper was first born and I look at her today and she has grown so much already. I want to just freeze time. I do not want my time with Harper to ever run out. I know I will never have enough time with her, but a lifetime just isn't enough! I cherish every moment I have with my baby girl and I look forward to all the memories I will make along the way, like her first day of school, her first boyfriend, her wedding, when she becomes a mom, all of these big life moments and then I realize I get way too ahead of myself and I should just focus on her big life moment coming up...walking. And then we can talk about her first birthday..which by the way I might have a hard time with that one. It has already been one year almost since I met my best friend and cutest baby ever...my daughter.

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up   

Behind the Scenes

First of all, let me just tell you all that when you go to bed late, kids, especially Harper, do not care and will not let you sleep in. This is one of the many hard things about being a young mom, or any mom for that matter. As some of you know, I went to Rascal Flatts last night at the Mid-State Fair. I didn't get home until almost 2 in the morning and Harper was up at 5! Like I said, they do not care lol. I will be posting another blog down the road about some of the hardest parts of being a mom to a 10 month old. But this blog has a completely different meaning. Yesterday, Gavin and I were talking about how we wished people could really see how hard our lives are and I thought this was the perfect place to share.

Almost daily I/we get compliments from people about how adorable Harper is and how lucky we are to have the perfect family and life. I appreciate the compliments on Harper because of course I think my baby is the cutest thing on this planet! But what really gets me is the part about having a perfect life. Our life is far from perfect and so is our relationship. People always tell me that seeing my family and I makes them want to have a baby and family of their own..that's awesome! But I always say no you need to wait. If people really understood what it meant to be a mom so young and how hard it really is, maybe they would rethink it for now.

First, Gavin and I do not have our own house. We live with his parents because living on our own is just too expensive and we wanted to be able to save for our wedding. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all his parents do for us, but it's hard knowing my daughter doesn't have her own room and we don't have a place for us to call our home. The three of us share a standard size bedroom and Harper sleeps in her pack and play. It can be a little tight and stressful when we don't have room for all of our stuff. I also always feel like I am in the way and taking up too much space because this is not my home it's Gavin's. This is the best option though because living on our own was way too expensive. When you take into account the bills, gas, groceries, diapers and other little unexpected things like medicine or car repairs, it left us with little to no money left over. There were times when Gavin and I were living on our own when we would have literally $0. It was so hard and stressful not knowing what the next day would hold. We have always had our family for support but its hard when you know you should be supporting your family and not someone else. We get help from the state. We do receive WIC which has been a big help to us because it pays for our formula and baby food for Harper. It was hard to accept this help because so many people look down upon people who get help from the government but we needed it and I am not ashamed anymore. It has helped us when we needed food for Harper and could not afford it ourselves. I don't care if I don't eat dinner as long as my baby has all the food she needs.

Second, our relationship is far from perfect. Having a baby adds a whole new dynamic to a relationship. You suddenly go from just having each other to having this whole other person as part of the mix. Of course, there is mine and Gavin's relationship and then there is mine, Harper's and Gavin's as well as our individual relationships with Harper. It can be so hard sometimes when you have been up all night with a teething baby and living in such close quarters with each other...can you say tension? Gavin and I have also made our fair share of mistakes in our relationship and we have been working on them, but with a baby it's hard to get that alone time you need for each other. We try to make the effort as often as we can to go out on dates or just have "us" time. There was also a time when I would give all my attention to Harper so when Gavin came home from work I was all out of attention to give. Gavin and I have plenty of arguments and problems like any other relationship, but that is how we grow as a couple. We learn to work through things and figure out new ways to handle certain situations. We have to remember to put aside our differences and work for the best outcome not only for our relationship, but also for Harper's sake.

If there is one thing I want people to know about my life is that it is far from perfect. I probably cry at least once a week if not more because I just get overwhelmed and stressed out. It is a hard thing to have a family and I wish people, especially young girls could see that. Having a baby isn't just cute clothes and pictures. It's waking up in the middle of the night, changing diapers, teething, colds, tantrums, bottles, and so much more. I love being a mom, don't get me wrong, but it's hard and not something anyone should want so young. I would never wish I never had Harper, but sometimes I wish she would have been born later on down the line for her own sake. It's scary not knowing when she will have her own room and house and if I will be able to save enough money for college for her. I only want the absolute best for Harper and I try my hardest to provide that for her but sometimes I doubt myself as a parent...am I really doing my best? Will she grow up and hate me for not giving her everything I could? Will she resent me for having her so young? These are thoughts I have daily along with many others like what college will she go to? When will I be able to give her her own room and bed? How am I going to pay for all of the things she will want as she gets older? Being a mom is a huge responsibility that not everyone is ready to accept. I just hope that people will see that behind the scenes my life isn't all smiles and rainbows...it's full of tears, stress, arguments, and worries.

I love Harper and Gavin with all my heart and I hope that through it all, they will always know that. I try my best to show them each and everyday. It gets hard when you get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, but I try and that's all I can do. If anything, I want Harper to grow up knowing how much her mom loves her, because she is my world. And babe, if you're reading this, just know that you are always my number 1! You are my rock and I love you so much.