Changing and Growing

It's been just about a year since I moved to North Carolina and I cannot believe how much has changed just in this short year. There's been a lot of big changes, like a new job, new relationships, new apartment, learning to co-parent, the list can go on. One of the changes that has been hardest for me is parenting a toddler. It feels almost like I am a new mom all over again!

Harper will be 3 in September, so she is a little over two and a half years old now. She is a whole new person! She can have actual conversations about things and she has her own likes and dislikes now. It's been a challenge learning to deal with new things..it used to be diapers and bottles and now it's public restrooms and sippy cups. I feel like as soon as I was getting used to and comfortable with baby Harper she went and turned into a toddler! She throws tantrums now too which is also a really hard thing to deal with, especially in public.

I swear Harper is 2 going on 16 sometimes, with the way she talks and acts. She likes to dress herself, too which is a little tough for me because I am somewhat of a control freak. I think I am definitely learning that motherhood is a constantly changing thing. They go from one phase to the next in the blink of an eye and it feels as though you start over every time. You have to learn to adapt and grow to the newest version of this little person.

It's always a learning experience...for me, that means learning to get over my disgust for public restrooms ( I can probably say I have been in more public restrooms now, than in my entire life). It's like this rite of passage for toddlers to go into every restroom they see! I have also learned to be more patient. When Harper starts throwing a fit, it's so easy to just lose it and yell at her but I have been learning to just talk to her and explain things to her. She has also learned what pushes my buttons, so we have this constant battle of who will lose it first. (Hopefully not a sign of the future!)

All of these little things are, in my opinion, inevitable parts of motherhood. Pretty soon it will be pre-school and learning to be part of sports teams and before I know it, high school! It feels like Harper turned 2 and everything just went into hyper speed! Everyday she is changing and growing and turning into the most beautfiul, smart, sassy little girl and I couldn't be more proud to be her mother.

A change that we have both experienced a little more recently and isn't as typical for everyone is the separation of her dad and me, as well as the addition of my boyfriend into her life. Co-parenting has it's challenges and isn't always easy, but I can see the benefits of it in Harper, which makes it all worth it.

Harper has also built such an incredible bond with Bryan. Their relationship took time, but it was all built on her time and her terms which makes it that much better. He is the most amazing person I have ever met and I have never, ever been in such an amazing spot in my life. To know that my daughter can accept this man in my life makes my heart so full and happy.

I have found such an amazing partner, teammate, best friend, and support system in him. He has shown me nothing but love from day 1. I have never laughed so hard or smiled so big as I do when I am with him. I know that everything happens for a reason and it was no accident that we met.

When I moved to NC a year ago, I never thought I could be this happy here. I was so unhappy and hated it here, I was in such a bad place...but I am so happy I kept pushing through and trusted that everything would fall into place. Here I am with a new, full time job, a beautiful little apartment, an amazing man by my side and most importantly, the HAPPIEST, HEALTHIEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL little girl. People always told me to do what made me happy, but I was so afraid of what that meant for Harper...who knew that when I actually took the chance and did what made me happy, it would in turn, make Harper just as happy. I thank God everyday for placing me here in NC..I have come so far in just one year, I can't wait to see what our future in NC holds!

Home

I've lived in NC for 9 months now, and boy has it been a roller coaster. When I first moved here, I was scared and excited and homesick all in one. As the months went on, I went back and forth from loving it to hating it then back to loving it. I was far away from home and everything that made me comfortable. At the time, it felt like the worst thing ever, but looking back now, this move was the biggest blessing in disguise I have ever received.

When you are thousands of miles away from the people you love and are your support system, it changes you. I suddenly had to look deep inside myself for who I was and what I wanted because I didn't have my family and friends there with me everyday.I think I have talked before about growing a backbone and learning to be more dependent. But I was also learning a lot more about myself. I can't say if I actually learned anything or if I was just finally realizing what I had been denying for a long time...I wasn't happy.
I felt like I had just been settling and doing what I had to do because it was what everyone else had told me was right or what I had to do.

I was just going through these motions everyday, making sure to put up this front about being happy so no one would be upset and I wouldn't hurt anyone, but in reality I was hurting the most important person...myself. My best friends knew how I felt and they always reminded me that I deserved to be happy and I needed to put myself and Harper first, and they constantly reminded me that they would always love and support me (which they still do everyday and I am so blessed to have such an amazing group of girls to not only call my friends, but sisters).

Sometimes in life, things happen. Everything that happens is for a reason, and sometimes at the time it doesn't make sense, but God works in such a mysterious way and he knows exactly what he's doing. I finally decided it was time to let it go and do what I wanted to do and make myself happy. I dug deep down inside and saw that this unhappy me wasn't only bad for myself but also for Harper. In the end, I am the only one who can give my daughter a happy mother who loves life. I know that Harper can see a difference in who I am as a person and that right there is enough for me to know that I made the right decisions for myself.

I'm not going to put my whole story out there because the people who are important to me, already know. My point to this post is simple...sometimes you have to let go of what's holding you down and move on. I think people are so used to just staying where they are and settling for what they know instead of doing what they want. Whatever it is, you need to follow your heart. Your heart and your instinct always know what they want. It's definitely scary taking that leap of faith and not knowing the outcome, but if it's in your heart there is a reason and you just have to trust that it was placed there for a reason. I accepted the fact that I was truly unhappy and I followed my heart and I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been. Its a happiness I have never felt.

Not everyone agrees with my choices, but the people who matter most to me support me and are happy for me. "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind".

My life is nothing like I expected it to be when I moved here, but I could not be happier. I never thought I would say NC is home, but now after a long 9 month roller coaster ride, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. I'm finally home.