My Journey as a new mama..again.

It's been a hot minute since I have updated this blog. That's what happens when life happens! We've got 4 kiddos running around and 2 kittens! It gets a little hectic and by the end of the day, I'm just as ready for bed as the kids. Bryan and I have gotten married since my last post and if you follow me on Instagram then you obviously know we added a precious little peach to the family as well. Today, October 10, is World Mental Health day and that is what motivated me to FINALLY update the blog.

So why did I pick world Mental Health day as the day to motivate me? Three words: Post Partum Depression.

May 17, 2016 at 4:22 p.m. with my husband by my side, Georgia Peyton McDonald made her big debut. 8 pounds 7 ounces and 19 and a half inches long, this precious girl came out after a mere 3 pushes! (Thank baby Jesus!) Our birth story is nothing special...actually pretty basic. The pregnancy was healthy and although the 40 weeks started to come to a slow end, everything went well. We did have a minor  MAJOR scare when a midwife told me there was an irregularity in her heartbeat and I needed to get a more detailed ultrasound done at Duke. (Um..what the actual eff????) We didn't tell anyone because we wanted to wait to make sure she wasn't trippin...she was. [insert eye roll emoji here] One thing you should never do is scare a pregnant mom with something as serious as a heartbeat! I can only joke about it now because after that, anyone who listened to her heart told us there was no way anything could have been wrong with her, and there wasn't. Anyways, like I said, the pregnancy started to feel very long and I kept having false labor pains at around 36 weeks. They were so close together and I was so uncomfortable there was no way they were false, but apparently I couldn't tell the difference..whatevs. Finally, we were able to be induced at exactly 40 weeks because I was basically in tears every night from these "false" labor pains. The morning of the induction, I actually started going into labor on my own. I also tested positive for strep B so I had to have an antibiotic before she was born so I wouldn't pass it on to her. Funny thing is I'm allergic to penicillin and they tried to give me something for people like me who are allergic to penicillin but I still had an allergic reaction to it that made me feel like the inside of my body was on fire and I was itching like a mad woman. My water eventually broke on it's own and after a quick nap, I woke up with the urge to push. 3 pushes later, there she was. My sweet, beautiful Georgia peach. I held her for 45 minutes before they took her to be measured and weighed. Those 45 minutes were amazing. Just me and my girl being able to bond. I had wanted the same with Harper but they immediately took her away once she was born so it was nice to experience it with Georgia. Those 2 days in the hospital were pure bliss. Just baby, me and Bryan enjoying our time together as a new family and getting to know our new precious baby. I knew what having a new born entailed, it was my second go around so I knew exactly how it would be once we got home and I would be fine, right? Wrong. 100% wrong.

The first few days home were good. Georgia was and still is a good sleeper so that wasn't a problem. The normal after baby stuff was happening...bleeding, leaking boobs and more bleeding. I actually had a better and easier time recovering with Georgia then I did with Harper so we walked everyday and hung out at home and really cherished our time together before Bryan went back to work (He had paid family leave which was AMAZING). A few weeks later, I started to feel different. There was no other way to describe it. It felt like I was outside of my body watching myself go through the motions of everyday. I started to feel really sad and hopeless about everything and nothing at all. I started to worry about little things and just blamed it on hormones. I started to cry everyday at least once a day..usually twice a day. I lost myself. I felt so out of control and overwhelmed. It was a scary feeling since I felt like I was supposed to be happy..after all I did just have the cutest baby ever!

At first, I suffered alone. I didn't tell anyone, not even Bryan. I would just cry in the bathroom or on the couch when he was at work and just stay lost in my mind. I soon became disconnected and distracted from everything around me. I eventually told Bryan and he did his best to be there for me, but it was something I couldn't just blame on hormones anymore. I remember one time, in the middle of all the kids running around and the chaos that is our life I just sat there, staring into space so uninterested in what was going on. Instead I was wishing I was in bed, asleep and alone. Away from everyone, my family, my kids...my life. There were days I would cry to Bryan about how I hoped I didn't wake up the next day or how I wanted to just never leave the bed ever again.  Along with those feelings came the feelings of body image. I am at the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I just felt like who I was completely vanished. I never showered or brushed my hair unless I absolutely had to, I struggled to get up and basically live my life everyday. It was no joke.  I felt like I had no purpose in life and that I would never be able to do anything with my life. Although the pregnancy was healthy, in the beginning I was so sick, like hospitalized more than once sick, that I had to quit my job. Being able to work and help support my family means a lot to me so not working also took a huge toll on me. The feeling of hopelessness I felt is something I can never explain in words. It was such an out of body experience for me. Looking back I still feel like I was watching a movie rather than living through it.

I can't say I am 100% okay now, and I don't know when I will be, but I do know that I wouldn't have made it to where I am now without my amazing husband and his strong, unwavering love and support for me. He held me when I cried, he reassured me I did have a purpose and that I was beautiful no matter what and although I never believed him, those words gave me strength.  I didn't share this story because I want sympathy, because trust me, I never want sympathy. But I do want other people, mom's especially, to know that it is okay to not be ok. I think as moms we always feel the need to be this glue to hold everyone together. Although that is true, that cannot happen if we aren't the best version of ourselves. I am not afraid to admit that right now, I do need a little extra love and support. I do have tough days still, but I also have the support system I need to get through. I love being a mom and I would do anything for my kids, whenever I'm having a bad day, I look at Georgia and see her smile and I know that if anything else, she is my purpose. She is my reason to stay strong. My kids are my purpose, and I will try my hardest each and every day to be the best mom I can be for them.

Changing and Growing

It's been just about a year since I moved to North Carolina and I cannot believe how much has changed just in this short year. There's been a lot of big changes, like a new job, new relationships, new apartment, learning to co-parent, the list can go on. One of the changes that has been hardest for me is parenting a toddler. It feels almost like I am a new mom all over again!

Harper will be 3 in September, so she is a little over two and a half years old now. She is a whole new person! She can have actual conversations about things and she has her own likes and dislikes now. It's been a challenge learning to deal with new things..it used to be diapers and bottles and now it's public restrooms and sippy cups. I feel like as soon as I was getting used to and comfortable with baby Harper she went and turned into a toddler! She throws tantrums now too which is also a really hard thing to deal with, especially in public.

I swear Harper is 2 going on 16 sometimes, with the way she talks and acts. She likes to dress herself, too which is a little tough for me because I am somewhat of a control freak. I think I am definitely learning that motherhood is a constantly changing thing. They go from one phase to the next in the blink of an eye and it feels as though you start over every time. You have to learn to adapt and grow to the newest version of this little person.

It's always a learning experience...for me, that means learning to get over my disgust for public restrooms ( I can probably say I have been in more public restrooms now, than in my entire life). It's like this rite of passage for toddlers to go into every restroom they see! I have also learned to be more patient. When Harper starts throwing a fit, it's so easy to just lose it and yell at her but I have been learning to just talk to her and explain things to her. She has also learned what pushes my buttons, so we have this constant battle of who will lose it first. (Hopefully not a sign of the future!)

All of these little things are, in my opinion, inevitable parts of motherhood. Pretty soon it will be pre-school and learning to be part of sports teams and before I know it, high school! It feels like Harper turned 2 and everything just went into hyper speed! Everyday she is changing and growing and turning into the most beautfiul, smart, sassy little girl and I couldn't be more proud to be her mother.

A change that we have both experienced a little more recently and isn't as typical for everyone is the separation of her dad and me, as well as the addition of my boyfriend into her life. Co-parenting has it's challenges and isn't always easy, but I can see the benefits of it in Harper, which makes it all worth it.

Harper has also built such an incredible bond with Bryan. Their relationship took time, but it was all built on her time and her terms which makes it that much better. He is the most amazing person I have ever met and I have never, ever been in such an amazing spot in my life. To know that my daughter can accept this man in my life makes my heart so full and happy.

I have found such an amazing partner, teammate, best friend, and support system in him. He has shown me nothing but love from day 1. I have never laughed so hard or smiled so big as I do when I am with him. I know that everything happens for a reason and it was no accident that we met.

When I moved to NC a year ago, I never thought I could be this happy here. I was so unhappy and hated it here, I was in such a bad place...but I am so happy I kept pushing through and trusted that everything would fall into place. Here I am with a new, full time job, a beautiful little apartment, an amazing man by my side and most importantly, the HAPPIEST, HEALTHIEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL little girl. People always told me to do what made me happy, but I was so afraid of what that meant for Harper...who knew that when I actually took the chance and did what made me happy, it would in turn, make Harper just as happy. I thank God everyday for placing me here in NC..I have come so far in just one year, I can't wait to see what our future in NC holds!

Home

I've lived in NC for 9 months now, and boy has it been a roller coaster. When I first moved here, I was scared and excited and homesick all in one. As the months went on, I went back and forth from loving it to hating it then back to loving it. I was far away from home and everything that made me comfortable. At the time, it felt like the worst thing ever, but looking back now, this move was the biggest blessing in disguise I have ever received.

When you are thousands of miles away from the people you love and are your support system, it changes you. I suddenly had to look deep inside myself for who I was and what I wanted because I didn't have my family and friends there with me everyday.I think I have talked before about growing a backbone and learning to be more dependent. But I was also learning a lot more about myself. I can't say if I actually learned anything or if I was just finally realizing what I had been denying for a long time...I wasn't happy.
I felt like I had just been settling and doing what I had to do because it was what everyone else had told me was right or what I had to do.

I was just going through these motions everyday, making sure to put up this front about being happy so no one would be upset and I wouldn't hurt anyone, but in reality I was hurting the most important person...myself. My best friends knew how I felt and they always reminded me that I deserved to be happy and I needed to put myself and Harper first, and they constantly reminded me that they would always love and support me (which they still do everyday and I am so blessed to have such an amazing group of girls to not only call my friends, but sisters).

Sometimes in life, things happen. Everything that happens is for a reason, and sometimes at the time it doesn't make sense, but God works in such a mysterious way and he knows exactly what he's doing. I finally decided it was time to let it go and do what I wanted to do and make myself happy. I dug deep down inside and saw that this unhappy me wasn't only bad for myself but also for Harper. In the end, I am the only one who can give my daughter a happy mother who loves life. I know that Harper can see a difference in who I am as a person and that right there is enough for me to know that I made the right decisions for myself.

I'm not going to put my whole story out there because the people who are important to me, already know. My point to this post is simple...sometimes you have to let go of what's holding you down and move on. I think people are so used to just staying where they are and settling for what they know instead of doing what they want. Whatever it is, you need to follow your heart. Your heart and your instinct always know what they want. It's definitely scary taking that leap of faith and not knowing the outcome, but if it's in your heart there is a reason and you just have to trust that it was placed there for a reason. I accepted the fact that I was truly unhappy and I followed my heart and I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been. Its a happiness I have never felt.

Not everyone agrees with my choices, but the people who matter most to me support me and are happy for me. "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind".

My life is nothing like I expected it to be when I moved here, but I could not be happier. I never thought I would say NC is home, but now after a long 9 month roller coaster ride, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. I'm finally home.

Two going on twenty...

Harper turned two a few weeks ago and I still can't believe it. I feel like we just brought her home from the hospital yesterday. I will never forget that day, it was one of the hottest days of the year and we lived in a tiny, (kind of) ghetto apartment that was hotter inside than outside. Gavin and I stopped at Jack in the Box on the way home (who really does that??) because I was starving and the hospital food didn't cut it. We got home and we immediately realized it was way too hot for the baby so Gavin went to his parent's house to pick up a fan. When he left, I remember sitting there watching this new, sweet little girl sleeping in her bassinet with her blue onesie with brown and pink polka dots and her hospital bracelets still on her ankle. That's when it hit me, I was alone with this baby and I had no idea what to do. I was so scared because it was just me and her, no nurses and no Gavin to help me. Granted, Gavin was gone all of 20 minutes, but as a new mom I was terrified! My feet swelled so bad because I immediately tried to do laundry and clean, but I was quickly reminded to rest. Those first few weeks were such a blur of visitors and sleeping and sadly, not too many showers...but then I fast forward to today, and Harper and I are seriously the same person. I can't believe I was ever afraid and clueless as to what to do because today, I know her like the back of my hand and it has only been two short years (The best two years nonetheless).

I started working at Target (don't ask how I like it...) and Harper has started daycare. I work almost 40 hours a week and I either open or close, so I am usually at work 8-4 or 4-10:30 meaning I don't get to stay home all day with Harper anymore. I know I was so excited to go back to work, but it's not the work I wanted and my heart breaks a little every time Harper says "stay with me mom" and it breaks a little more when she more than happily marches off to daycare like the big, brave girl I have tried my hardest to raise her to be. I am so proud of her for being so independent and trusting that mommy and daddy will always be there to pick her up, but it's a sad reminder that pre-school is around the corner and I don't know if I am ready for that. Right before we started our new routine of Harper at daycare and mommy at work I was holding her in my lap and I just lost it, I was crying like a baby because my baby isn't a baby anymore and Harper said "what's wrong mom?" when I told her I was sad because she was growing up so fast she kissed my face and said "it's okay mom" which still brings tears to my eyes now! I think the tears are a mix of proud and sad tears. I always knew my daughter would be smart, strong, kind, understanding and independent because I knew that's how I wanted to raise her, but to see her already embody so much of that at just two is amazing. She is truly a gift from God.

Harper is a little chatter box and once she's comfortable around you, she will never stop talking. She has the funniest mannerisms and says the cutest things. She is obsessed with make up and jewelry but she loves bugs and Spider man too. We went to the pumpkin patch on Saturday and we couldn't leave the house until she was done with her make-up which consists of putting my concealer on her leg and then using my bare minerals, which I pretend to put in the lid and give her the brush and she swirls and taps the brush and puts it all over her face, and mine and sometimes even Gavin (if he's lucky). She also needed her bracelets and ring. We bought her a bunch of the little girl jewelry at Claire's for her birthday because she always wants to wear my rings and other jewelry. She also needs her purse and phone before we leave and if it's too bright we can't forget her sunglasses! She's definitely my mini me and Gavin and I always joke that I have created a monster (ok, we half joke because it's so true).

I love Harper at this age because she is like a little person that I can have conversations with and she is like a sponge and just absorbs everything we say and do. I have to say that because of this, it has helped put me in check about how I act and what I say. Sometimes, we aren't so lucky and she absorbs the wrong things...the other day Harper was doing something and she almost tripped and she looked at me and said "oh, shit! I almost fall down!" I had to laugh because it was so unexpected and to hear that come out in her little voice was the cutest thing. But then I told her to not say that and to say oh my gosh and she quickly responded with "look at her butt". (Who is this child? and Who are her parents?!) Either way, I think it's funny and I won't pretend to be that mom who doesn't say bad words or have bad days because I do and Harper hears and sees. I try my best to watch my mouth around her, but face it, no one is perfect.

I just can't believe my baby is two and her attitude is going on 20 for sure. She brings me so much joy and I am so blessed she has come into our lives. Gavin and I have been through so much since we found out I was pregnant and I see Harper's birthday as not only another year of life for Harper, but also a reminder of how far we have come. I celebrate Harper's birth and the accomplishments of Gavin and I as parents. We've seen days where we had absolutely no money for anything but a few groceries, we've been on government assistance programs, we've had our fair share of fights over the stress, we've lived on our own and then back with his parents. But then I see us today, on Harper's 2nd birthday doing better than okay. We finally have our own place, we both have jobs, we have more than enough food, Harper is the happiest little girl and has never known what it is like to go without and our relationship is growing stronger and stronger each day. I remember when I was pregnant thinking "how are we gonna make it?" but faith, love and family and friends have helped us get where we are today. I don't think our parents will ever understand how grateful we are to them. I honestly have no idea where we would be if it wasn't for them. Because of them, I know what it means to really be there for your children and I plan to be there for Harper just as my parents and Gavin's parents were there for us. As for Harper Kelly,

Harper,
You are the light of my world. I have never known a love as strong or as deep as the love I have for you. The best part of everyday is watching you grow and learn. I love watching you run around outside, listening to you sing, I love when you do my make up or paint daddy's nails. I love how caring you are and how worried you get for babies when they cry. I love how you wait your turn and want to share with everyone you see. I love when you grab my face and kiss me at night and I love the way yo say I Lub you mommy. I love everything about you baby girl. You will forever be my lovebug, my hoppa, my Harper Kelly. I promise to always love and support anything you want to do. You will always have a friend in me. Mommy loves you so much and I hope one day you can see that everything I do, is for you. I promised to give you the best childhood and life and I hope one day you can look back and say that you did. You will go far my bug and I will be there every step of the way. Don't ever lose your spunk. I love you more than you will ever know!
Mommy

Hello from NC!

It's been a long while since I have posted! Life has been pretty crazy lately. We are finally settling into North Carolina and I am loving it! I think I can speak for Harper when I say she does too. It is such a different world here. People are so friendly, things are so clean and well taken care of and there is so much to do! We live in a town called Cary and people joke that it is called Containment Area for Relocated Yankees because there are so many people, who like us, have been relocated to NC for work. I am in love with this place though, and everything about it. The food is amazing! Even though I do miss Santa Maria style BBQ i have to say southern BBQ is slowly winning my heart. And the sweet tea! I am obsessed with sweet tea and go through a gallon a week (I know, it's pathetic) and living here is amazing because literally you can find it anywhere!

I love NC for other reasons besides the food though. One of those reasons is just being out of my comfort zone. I had always had a desire to live in Georgia and live a southern life-style, so NC is close enough ;) Seeing what is outside of the small town of Santa Maria has been truly amazing. I have also had to learn to be independent. I am such a mommy's girl and I go to my mom for everything! So being across the country from each other has been hard, but I think it was necessary. I have grown my own back bone I think and am slowly learning how to do things without calling mom first (even though I talk to her literally everyday still). I definitely miss having the support and help from all of our family and friends and being able to see everyone whenever we wanted, but being on our own has definitely strengthened our little family unit.

Gavin and I have also learned a lot about each other I think as well. As with any relationship there are bumps in the road and now that we are here in a state where we literally only have each other to have adult conversations with, (because face it, talking Barney and Caillou with a two year old all day makes you want to talk politics every once in a while) has really strengthened us as parents and as a couple. We have learned how to communicate so much better and have learned to truly be there for one another. I'm not saying we didn't do this before, but being all alone really takes your relationship to a different level of maturity. After being apart for so long, since Gavin moved months before Harper and I did, and then Harper and I took a 3 week vacation back to California recently, I think Harper really enjoys it, too. I have to say I really think it brought us back to our relationship and friendship we had when we first started dating, which is almost 6 years ago! I feel old haha

Although NC has been amazing and I can only see it getting better there has been some issues. One big thing is the HEAT! Can you say 90% humidity at 7 a.m.?? My hair hates it. But if that's really the only big complaint we have then we are pretty blessed. I'm also very directionally challenged and it took me almost 3 years to learn my way around my own home town, so I'll let you figure out exactly how finding my way around town is going...

I am still looking for a job because the school district here has a different hiring procedure, so while I am waiting I have been staying home with Harper. The only way I can describe this is, in all honesty, shit show. I will not even pretend or sugar coat it. Granted, it's not always a shit show, but usually I am ready for a marg (or 3) by the time Gavin gets home. Harper is about 75% potty trained and is also about to turn 2. Together, this makes for a crazy naked baby running around most of the day. She is seriously the funniest, spunkiest (is that a word?) most feisty little thing ever and I love it! She is really into singing and dancing right now and her favorite songs are: stay with me, Fancy, and Are you Gonna Kiss me or not. If you follow me on IG I am sure you saw the video of her dancing to Fancy in the car. She is really camera shy so anytime I try to get her on video she usually stops. I tried to capture her singing Stay with Me at the top of her lungs at Cold Stone but of course she stopped.

Other than singing, Harper usually runs around naked and when I try to tell her to get dressed she says no and runs away. She also is very independent so trying to get her to do anything with my help is pretty much impossible. We have implemented time outs which have helped and we've had to really cut out any sugar from her diet because she is super sensitive to sugars. Even the smallest amount results in a crazy child. Being a stay at home mom is no joke. It is so hard for me. It's not only hard because I am home all day with no one to really talk to besides Harper and it's hard to do a million things at once with no extra hands but it's also hard because I like to work. I like to feel like I am contributing to my family. I am in no way saying stay at home moms do not contribute because I know we do, I personally have always liked working and being able to help financially support my family. Gavin has been amazing about helping me with this and supporting me. He knows how hard it is on me at times and he lets me sleep in one morning during the weekend or he will offer to take Harper to the park so I can shower or even just eat in peace.

Being away from home has been a huge positive experience for not only for us as a family, but I think it has also helped me see who is truly important in my life. When you are away from home it is so easy to lose connections and contact with people because we are all busy and wrapped up in our own daily lives, but it has also strengthened a lot of my relationships at home. My best friend Lindsey is amazing. She has been there for me since day one and I could never put into words are grateful I am to have her in my life as well as Harper's. We usually talk every other day if not every day, and when we do she always reminds me of her support and love for us and what I am doing for my family. It's always nice to hear that the people you love support your decisions and see that you are trying to create a stable, healthy future for yourself and most importantly my daughter.

Like I mentioned before, I talk to my mom every day. You never truly appreciate your parents until you become one. Since I moved, my relationship with my mom has become more of a friendship. She is always there for me when I have a rough day and she reminds me to laugh. I know it is so hard for her to be so far away from me Harper, but I love that she still supports me and reminds me that she is always there. The move has also strengthened my relationship with both my brother Vinny and my sister Lauryn. We have always been close, but now that we don't see each other everyday, we appreciate each other a little more. They always have my back and I always have theirs. I miss everyone so much everyday, but I feel like I am meant to be here in NC. There is so many more opportunities for me as far as school and work goes as well as for Harper. I think growing up here will be the best thing for Harper.

We're getting ready for a visit from Gavin's family soon as well as a trip to Myrtle Beach! Harper's SECOND birthday is coming (What??? when did this happen?) and I cannot wait. Overall, I just want to thank everyone who has supported and been there for us since we have moved. I know I only mentioned Lindsey, but obviously Amanda, Kiersten and Julie you guys are just as amazing and I love you all! This move has been the hardest, most trying thing I have had to do and it is amazing to see how happy people are for us and how excited everyone is for us. It truly means a lot to us and hopefully we will be able to take a family vacation home to CA to visit soon :)

The Red Tunnel

I haven't posted in a long time and like always it's just because I have been so busy with my new toddler in the house and not my baby. It was a sad day when I realized I didn't have a baby, but a toddler. A wild, crazy little girl who is such a dare devil and has such a zest for life already. She is so willing to try anything and do anything and she is so brave! She gets scared and hesitates but that never stops her. It is so inspiring to see her get over her fears and try new things and it is also a very proud mommy moment when that happens. She was afraid of going down the big slide at the park by herself and had to hold someone's hand the whole way down for a while, then one day I told her "you can do it, you're a big girl remember?" and she nodded and said "yeah" and looked down at the slide and I waited at the bottom and she went for it. The pride on her face after that was enough to bring tears to my eyes. It's amazing how something so simple can bring so much happiness to my heart. Another thing, most recently, was a pop up tunnel thing at day care. The kids were all going through it and being rowdy and it was obvious Harper was super nervous to crawl all the way through. So I said "come on, you can do it" and I went to the other side and told her I would be there to get her and she went through! After that she loved it. It was then that I realized, even though Harper is brave, it is her trust in me that gets her to do these things.

What an amazing responsibility and honor it is to be a mom. This child puts all of her trust in me to do what is best for her and to protect her. I never imagined being a mom would be like this. It is so much fun, especially at the age Harper is at right now. She is so funny and learns new things literally every day. It is also so hard because as a mom, or even just a parent, it is your job to shape this person into who they will become. You have to be the example of who you want them to become. I have always heard the expression "do as I say, not as I do" but in all reality, children do whatever you do. I didn't know how true this was until now. Harper is learning to talk and she repeats any words said. Gavin and I sometimes have mouths like a sailor and it is such a bad habit and it's even worse now that we have a mini me willing to repeat anything she hears! Sometimes I don't even think about it, like one time I was carrying her and bumped my leg on something and said "Oh shit!" and low and behold Harper, without skipping a beat said shit. It's an immediate reminder that she will become who I am. It's a sobering thought and it really makes you re evaluate who you are as a person. It is because of Harper I strive to be a better person everyday.

I love my daughter with every ounce of my being. I want to do the best for her every chance I get. I was talking to Gavin the other day about how stressful and scary it was when we first found out we were having a baby. It felt like the world was ending and I was never going to be able to do anything right as a mom! I didn't know what to do...then when she came home from the hospital that feeling came back again. It's scary to think about raising someone as your own. It's scary to think you go from calling your mom or dad when you're stressed or scared to being the person that gets called on. I have to be the brave one now. I have to be the one who holds her hand when she's scared, or hold her when she's sick. I am the rock to my little girl and it is so hard and scary but I never would have thought I would be as strong as I am today because of it. Especially looking back, I can't help but laugh at how scared I was. It's like I've always been a mom to Harper. Even though she is constantly changing and I still have to figure out when to discipline, when to let go and when to step in I think I am getting the hang of things.

One thing that I have definitely learned since having Harper is to be who I want to be. I recently got a tattoo of an arrow and I got that tattoo for several reasons. My favorite song is Follow your Arrow by Kacey Musgraves because the message she is sending is so true. No matter what, people will judge you and have something to say, so just do what you want to do. I also got it because in life, just like an arrow, you have to go backwards to go forward. You pull an arrow back to launch it forward. Looking back, all of the times I learned the best lessons and was the strongest was right after I was knocked down by something else. And lastly, I am at such a crossroads in life right now. I got a little off track with my relationship and my responsibilities. I wanted to be who I was before I was a mom and fiance. I quickly realized my family is my number one and I am so embarrassed to admit that, but sometimes you have to step back to see how important what you have truly is. I think I was just scared about our big move coming up and wanted to find a way to stay here in my comfort zone. Then I remembered the whole reason we decided to go for this was for Harper. If I didn't go because of my own selfish reasons I would be a horrible mom and be a disappointment to myself and Harper. I can't let my little girl down.

So, with that being said May is the month when I will leave my California home and move to North Carolina. We're hoping for May 1 or anytime close to that. Gavin will be going first on March 23 and I will finish up a few more weeks of work. I am excited to see what adventures North Carolina has to offer our family. Hopefully I will get my credential and Harper will get a baby brother or sister! It is bittersweet thinking about not being able to show Harper all the things Gavin and I did growing up here in Santa Maria, or showing her our high school and where our relationship started and of course we will be leaving our families and friends behind, but I am excited to form new memories that only our little family will share. We can start our own traditions and create our own special spots around town.

Life has a crazy way of working itself out. Even though we never know what will happen next there are some things I am absolutely positive of. Prayer is the most powerful thing ever. I have been praying and talking to God constantly, and turning to him for guidance and trusting in him and even though I was a little lost, He led me right to where I needed to be. I also am positive that being a mom is the best thing to ever happen to me. I just wish everyone could walk in my shoes for a day to understand the feeling I have about being a mom. It's like my heart is always about to explode with happiness. Nothing ever seems so bad because I just feel so lucky and blessed, especially to have Harper as my daughter. I know she was meant to be mine because she keeps me on my toes and has taught me so much. She is so smart and beautiful and amazing and funny. She's simply the best. I absolutely love my little diva.

Out with the old, in with the new.

It's nap time and I am sitting here eating my new obsession of strawberry granola and Dr. pepper. Moments like this are few and far between. I cherish them just as much as every moment with Harper. As I sit here, I realized it's New Year's Eve! Holy crap where did the year go? 2013 was overall a good year. Harper turned one, she learned to walk, we went to Palm Springs, we took her to Spring Training in Arizona, I got an amazing job with the school district, I strengthened a few friendships and even lost a few. Whenever a new year is about to start, everyone claims this next year will be the best, that they will change and do things different. I hate that. You shouldn't have to wait for a new year to start a new you, to better yourself or to make a change. Even though I hate it, I find myself making a list of things I want to do in 2014.

As I look ahead to 2014, I get scared. There are so many new things happening in the next year that I don't really know if I am ready for, but I have no choice but to face them head on. I also am excited because there will be many new exciting things happening too! The biggest change next year will be the fact that we will be living across the country in a whole new city. It's scary to not know what will happen or how it will be, but I am so excited to experience a whole new place. Another big change is our wedding. Although we still don't have a new date set, it will most likely be in March. It's crazy to think I will finally be a Mrs. Along with these two big things which are pretty much obvious big changes, there are some other changes that Gavin and I are planning.

We are hoping to give Harper a baby brother or sister in 2014 or at least become pregnant in 2014. I cannot wait for her to be a big sister. I am also excited to just have another little baby around again. I feel like Harper is still young, but I swear she is one going on 20! She is so sassy and smart. I am so amazed at how much she knows and understands. She talks so much now. She says no so clearly now and just sits there and says no, no, no over and over. She also says dink which means drink and peas which is please. She also has her own variations of thank you, mine, paci, night night, help, ow, soda and food. She has also taken up an interest in the potty. Not sure if I am ready for that or not. The other day, she pooped and when I told her to come to the changing table to get changed she went to the bathroom and said sit and pointed to the toilet! I wasn't sure what to do, but I sat her down and told her to go potty. She obviously had no idea what to do but I couldn't believe she knew what the toilet was! Later that day she went to the bathroom and said sit again but she had a dry diaper so I thought, this is it and was ready to cry when she sat on the toilet, but again she didn't go. I think she will get it soon though. It scares me to think about how fast she is growing up.

Another thing that will happen in 2014 is full blown toddler stage. My baby truly isn't a baby anymore. She will turn 2!! This cannot happen. She needs to stay little forever. I am excited for her second birthday though because we are taking her to Disney World in Florida! I know that this will be my favorite memory with her for 2014.

I also will hopefully be finishing school. It's been a real struggle, but I know I need to finish school for my family's sake. Hopefully it will go as planned.

I know there are many things that will happen in 2014 that I am not planning for or expecting, but that's okay. Something I learned this year, which is super hard for me, is to just let things go and accept them as they are. I have been trying to really not stress myself out over little things and I still struggle with it, but I am hoping 2014 will help me to continue to learn how to just go with the flow.

I am a big lyric freak and I love to find songs that I feel fit my mood or situation. I think the perfect song for 2014 for me, is called Brave by Sarah Bareilles. I think it is perfect for everyone. We all need to just say what we want to say, and show the world how big our brave is. Happy New Year everyone! From my family to yours.

I couldn't end a post without pictures of Harper!!

You never know until you try...

Something I always tell myself is that it's better to try something than to live the rest of your life thinking "What if?" Now, I am living that motto out because...the Kelly family (a.k.a Gavin, Harper and I) are possibly moving to North Carolina! An opportunity has arisen for Gavin which means our family would have to pack up and move about 2,000 miles across the country. Immediately I got butterflies in my stomach, the kind you feel when you're super nervous. As a mom, I thought about school districts, doctors, dentists, day care, parks, anything and everything Harper will need raced through my mind. All I want is the best for my daughter. We had to think about this for many weeks about what we were going to do. Do we move? Do we take Harper away from her grandparents and all the family she has known since the day she was born? Or do we stay? Continue living in our comfort zone? Keep living here where it is questionable when we will be able to get up on our feet and on our own? After many talks, Gavin and I decided the best thing to do is to move. Although it breaks our hearts to leave we know that the cost of living is lower and it is an opportunity to become fully dependent on solely each other. It would be our chance to start our family and live our lives...like a fresh start. Of course there are many repercussions of this and the biggest one is our wedding which was scheduled for July. Now, in July, we will be across the country since the move would take place in March or April. Nothing is for sure yet, but we had to break the news to our parents and family on none other than Thanksgiving day.

It was like deja vu. I was scared to death to tell my parents because I knew they would be sad. I felt like I was telling them I was pregnant! Again! But, after many tears and tissues, I think we have the support of our families. It was hardest to tell my sister. She is my best friend and we are always there for each other. I have never ever been away from home for longer than a week and I have never been that far away. It is the scariest thing I have ever done and yet at the same time I am so excited! We will know no one and be in this completely new environment and culture. This is our chance to make the life for our daughter we have always wanted. It's our chance to learn to lean on each other. I know there are a lot of people who do not want to see Harper go and at first, I was hesitant to go because I knew that. But, after many sleepless nights and prayers, I realized I have to do what is best for my daughter, I can't try to base my decision on how other people will feel. I have the most amazing best friend, Lindsey, who has supported me and talked me through this decision so many times and I don't know how I am going to be without her or any of my other friends.

Anyone who has a child knows that your kid is your number 1 priority 100% of the time. I truly believe in my heart this will be the best choice for Harper and my family. We will be able to afford our own place and truly provide for her on our own. It will also strengthen Gavin and I as a couple and there is nothing I want more than to have a healthy, happy relationship to show my daughter.

It breaks my heart to imagine having to tell Harper to say good-bye to her grandparents and aunt and uncles. She is such a big part of everyone's life here and I constantly freak out trying to imagine how we will say good bye before getting on a plane to leave. Far away. For a long time. It is so scary and sad and any other emotion that makes my stomach turn. I have to stay positive and remember we would never know unless we tried, which is what life is about.

Life is always going to be full of ups and downs and twists and turns. This move is just another twist in our life story. It's a big step for us as a family but life would be boring if we didn't take chances or jump at new opportunities. I am excited to expose Harper to seasons and different cultures and all new things. I am excited to live on the east coast closer to my dad's side of the family and my mom's sister. It's also perfect timing because right now, Gavin and I do not own a house and we barely have furniture so it's like we truly will be starting fresh and starting our life together.

We have decided to get married before we move, this means not a big wedding like we planned. Although I am disappointed, I am also relieved. I always wanted just a small, intimate ceremony and now I get to have that. Before, my big wedding was more for everyone else.

I know this isn't really about Harper and I am sure people are sad to not see pictures of that crazy girl this time, I will post again soon about my crazy little girl :)

So, the moral of this blog is if you're thinking about doing something crazy or exciting but aren't sure if you should? DO IT! You never know until you try...

Being the perfect mom

It's been a while since I last posted, and it's because Harper is definitely mobile and running around and requires a lot more attention! She has earned the nickname Hurricane Harper because she will tear through everything it's crazy! Since she turned one, I feel like she has just grown and changed so much and it happens seriously over night! She had her well baby 12 month check up at the beginning of this month and when they weighed her she only weighed 17 pounds. When I saw that I thought that's tiny! But, I figured it was okay. Well when the Dr. came in she said she was only in the 7th percentile for her weight. When I heard that, I acted like it was okay because the Dr. wasn't concerned just said that she is petite which we knew from the start because she takes after me and Harper's pediatrician was also mine so she knows my medical history. The Dr. also said just try to get her at least to the 15th percentile. In reality, as I nodded my head and smiled and pretended to joke about her being so small, on the inside I was ripping myself apart! How could I let my daughter stay so small? What am I doing wrong? It's MY fault she is so small and isn't growing at the right rate. I felt so horrible and lost all confidence in myself as a mom and all my decisions. We decided when Harper was about 8 months old to try BLW (baby led weaning). This is where you let your baby teach themselves to eat and feed themselves which is why Harper was able to feed herself with a fork and spoon so early. It's also where there is no puree and is strictly anything we would eat, to a certain extent. She eats everything and anything and I never even doubted she wasn't gaining weight. Hearing she was in the 7th percentile also made me doubt my decision to do BLW.

When Harper was born, I told myself and everyone that I would nurse and never use formula. That changed when my PPD (post-partum depression) kicked in and nursing gave me anxiety and made me resent Harper. I knew I had to stop nursing to start bonding with my daughter. I know people have their opinions on nursing vs. formula, but I think I made the right choice for my baby. Then, I started regretting that choice thinking, "if I nursed her, she would be growing better". I know that it's just the genes she inherited and even though she has been on a more carb and protein diet to gain weight, I still struggle with this guilt of not doing the best for my daughter. I know this may come as a shock to some, because I haven't shared these feelings with anyone before now but it's so hard being a mom. When things like this happen, it's hard not to blame yourself.

As a mom, I am responsible for making all kinds of choices for Harper on a daily basis, like when she will eat, what she eats, when she needs a bath, what she wears, when she sleeps, where she goes, the list goes on and on. It is a HUGE responsibility and whenever I think about it, I freak out! At times, I still need my mom to help me so how can I be in charge of someone else?! This past year I have grown to be more confident and sure of myself and the choices I make, but every once in a while I can't help but second guess myself!

We have also been struggling with the whole "No" thing. I can't seem to teach her that no means don't do it. Whenever I tell her no she just gives me the cutest, biggest smile that melts my heart and I so badly want to just say it's okay do whatever you want but I know I need to stand firm to teach her right from wrong. I think I have said this before and now to a 13 month old, I believe it even more....discipline is so important! If I don't teach her wrong from right now, she will grow up thinking she is entitled to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. I do not want my daughter to be a snob when she's older and I know there are values that need to be instilled in her now. I try my best and I hope I am doing an okay job! I watched this video the other day and it is exactly how I feel! I hope one day Harper will respond the same way these kids did!

 Being a mom is a full time job with no holidays and like they say, find a job you love and you'l never work a day in your life. That is how I feel about being a mom. It is such hard work and there's never really a "break" but I love it so much that I never feel like I'm doing a job. I do get tired and stressed but I would never, ever trade motherhood for anything else. I love holding Harper when she wakes up in the middle of the night crying, or cuddling in bed when she refuses to sleep in hers. I love when she gives me kisses or her new thing--eskimo kisses. I love how she runs to me when I get home for work or how she says bye-bye when I tell her mommy is going to work. I love every moment, good and bad, with her. She is amazing and makes me see so much goodness and innocence in life. She truly is the biggest blessing I have ever received and I cannot imagine ever living without her. I wake up everyday looking forward to the new things Harper will learn and I find myself so excited for the holidays again because being a mom during the holidays is so fun! I get to take her trick or treating and teach her how to separate her candy (and save the good stuff for mom), I get to be Santa and watch her open up the presents and wonder how he knew exactly what to get her, I get to be the tooth fairy and see her get so excited when her teeth fall out, I get to be the Easter Bunny and watch her search for all the eggs, I get to be the one who brings her so much joy and will be the one to create so many memories for her to look back on.

One thing I look forward to the most is starting traditions! With the holiday season approaching I am looking forward to so many new traditions. With Halloween, we went to the pumpkin patch and carved a pumpkin-which I had never done before ever! and Harper painted a pumpkin too. Those are our new traditions, along with eating pumpkin shaped mac and cheese before we go out trick or treating!
With Thanksgiving I haven't come up with anything creative yet but I'm searching pinterest for ideas! I know when she gets a little older, we will be going to volunteer at the homeless shelter to help serve dinner.
For Christmas, I am looking forward to starting elf on the shelf! I cannot wait for November 30 so I can read her the story and start our elf adventure. I am also looking forward to teaching Harper how to give back, especially during the holidays. We will be picking an angel off the tree to donate a gift. I want Harper to always realize how blessed she is. We have so much to give and even though we have been through hard times, we have never gone without anything. Harper is such a loving sweet girl that I think she will be super excited to give back once she is old enough to understand what she is doing.

I am so in love with my baby girl it's amazing. I never have known a love so deep or true. She is seriously the best thing to ever happen to me! For all of you who thought my life was ruined, you were wrong...my life has only begun.



Here are some pictures of Harper's pumpkin painting. She was so careful and didn't get paint everywhere!

Harper's first birthday party

Well, I did it! I survived my first year as a mommy :) almost anyways...Harper's real birthday isn't until tomorrow but technically she is 1 now and I couldn't be more excited! Harper has brought so much joy and love into my life. I have a whole new outlook on my life and where I want to go and become. She has shown me what is truly important in life. I think being her mom has been the biggest blessing I could have ever received and I am forever grateful for her. She is the sweetest, most loving little girl. She just shows me how truly blessed I am to be alive each day and she doesn't even know it! Her spunk and sense of humor has opened my eyes to all the good in the world and how amazing things are. The way she gets excited over a piece of paper and a pen makes me see the goodness in even the smallest things. She is simply amazing and I am so in love with Harper Monroe Kelly. She teaches me things on a daily basis.

Harper discovered my belly ring a few weeks ago and she loves to play with it and play "peek-a-boo" with it lol what she doesn't know is that I absolutely hate showing my stomach! I think it is the flabbiest, nastiest part of my body. This morning though, when I was feeling extra flabby, she lifted up my shirt to play peek-a-boo with my belly button ring and I realized she loves me for me. She doesn't see the nasty flab I see, she just sees her mom. She loves me when I am mad, sad, or happy. She is always there and always welcomes me with kisses and hugs and cuddles. She is amazing. She single handedly showed me it is okay to be me. How amazing is it that I could learn such a huge lesson from such a tiny little girl? Crazy. But it's just another reason to love her!

Anyways, back to her birthday party! It was a huge success. I was so nervous putting it all together, but I got so many compliments on the things I did. I think the biggest hit was the lemonade bar! It actually turned out really well and the flavors worked too! Harper loves all of her presents and this morning, it was almost like she forgot about them because she was surprised all over again! I think she is set for winter with all of the clothes she got! Thank you to everyone who came and celebrated with us! It was so fun and I'm glad everyone had a good time. Here's some pictures of her big day!

It was such a fun day with friends and family and lots of food! I am so excited to see what this next year brings as I leave the world of being a mommy to a baby and head into the toddler world! I'm sure it will only be more fun, more smiles and more love! (and hopefully a sibling for Harper ;) )

Harper's Birthday Celebration!

Harper's first birthday is exactly 11 days away! where has the time gone?? This Saturday, the 21 could have been Harper's birthday because that was my original due date...until she decided to be 9 days late. Typical. But, we are starting her birthday celebration on Saturday with a trip to the zoo! I can't wait to take her because last time we went, she was still too young to know what was happening. Now, she knows her animals and sounds ( a select few anyways) and can walk! It will be so fun I cannot wait to take a million pictures :) We are also going to breakfast too! Her birthday party is on the 28 and is rainbow themed! I am so stressed about her party because it is her first birthday party and my first time planning anything. I want everything to be perfect. We are having a lemonade bar, hamburger sliders and chocolate covered marshmallows. I am also making cupcakes and she of course has her own cake to eat :) I am looking forward to the cake eating the most! I think it is so adorable to watch babies eat their first birthday cake.

It's been a busy few weeks since I last posted. I have finally gotten into the groove of going back to school and managing all my mommy tasks. I think it's actually going pretty well! Harper is down to just one bottle a day and it is her night time bottle. Half the time she doesn't even drink it all! She is also down to half formula and half milk. So, 4 ounces of each. It hasn't been easy but I think the hardest part which was taking away the morning bottle has actually been going pretty well. It's kind of nice that she was pretty okay with getting rid of her bottle.

Harper has also gained some new attitude and gives people the dirtiest looks now! She also shakes her head and pulls away when she doesn't want you to do something...little booger is my new nickname for her because she has turned into such a firecracker! I don't know where she gets it because I am not like that and neither is Gavin. It's been tough because I don't know how or if I should punish her. I also found myself at a loss of what to do when she hit me and my immediate thought was slap her hand and say no hitting, but I stopped myself because then I realized I would be hitting her as a way to teach her not to. So this has been an ongoing battle for me lately...how do I teach her no without contradicting myself? I feel so bad when she cries and she knows it too because she will throw her head back and scream and cry! I thought she was only going to be one...didn't know terrible two's started this early!

Besides her attitude, Harper has also learned so much. She knows animal sounds, she recognizes airplanes, she knows all of her facial body parts and can eat with a fork. I am one proud mama! She also will grab keys and say bye-bye and walk towards the door. We've been working on hitting a baseball off of the tee aka mom and dads hands...she's really getting the hang of it! She loves shopping with me and will run around the store grabbing everything she can find and screaming with excitement! I love taking her shopping. I would definitely have to say that so far, this age is my favorite. She is so much fun and she's hilarious! She goes to football games with me and loves shaking the girls' poms and walking around the track. We were so blessed to have such an easy going baby...she will find entertainment wherever we go so it's never hard to please her. We don't even have to pack toys to keep her busy when we go out because she will find something.

As sad as I am that this year is coming to an end, I am very happy to see it go! I am a whole new person with a whole new attitude on life and family and I am ready to start this next chapter of being a mom to a toddler. I am excited for my wedding next summer and to start thinking of baby number two! Can you imagine? Harper as a big sister...too cute! She loves babies and I can't wait to give her a baby brother or sister (hopefully brother!!). I plan on posting a blog of things that got us through this first year as parents like specific toys and clothing items. As winter creeps up on us, I am so glad she is out of an infant carrier! Carrying that thing in the rain was the biggest bitch! I am super excited about getting Harper some rain boots though! and to splash in the puddles with her :) I am in love with being a mom! It makes me feel like a kid again and I love watching Harper learn as well as teaching her new things. The feeling of pride I get when she learns something new is the best feeling ever. I was telling Gavin today, I am obsessed with my daughter. She seriously is amazing! She's so smart and funny and hello! freaking adorable ;) I wouldn't trade motherhood for anything!

                                                                  Giving dad one of her many looks

                                                                        Feeding herself yogurt

                                                                        doing some shopping

Bye-Bye Bottle

Harper will be 1 in exactly 23 days! I cannot believe the time is fast approaching. I am in party planning mode and everytime I get online to do school work I become distracted by Pinterest and Etsy! I need some serious intervention! But with Harper turning one, it's not all cake and balloons and presents there is a whole other side to it, a horrible side that I hate already...weaning her from the bottle and formula.

Harper's normal routine was wake up at 7:30 or 8 ish and have an 8 ounce bottle right away, followed by actual breakfast about an hour later and then snack when the daycare kids get one. Then lunch and maybe a bottle but there is always two bottles in the evening. One around dinner and another at 8 or so when she goes down for bed. Now, with this whole bye-bye baba thing its no bottle first thing in the morning and only 6 ounces of formula and 2 ounces of milk. I was always one who said it's ridiculous for babies to have a bottle after one...let me tell you I am slowly changing my mind to think maybe it's okay for her to just have one for the rest of her life! This morning was day 1 of no morning bottle....she was horrible! So cranky and wanted to just be held by mom the whole morning! Getting ready was a nightmare because I couldn't put her down without a complete meltdown happening, so I got ready with one hand and Harper in the other (Sometimes I wonder why we even have two arms, as a mom I probably can do most tasks with just one now). Of course I will stick to my plan of no bottle in the morning and slowly wean her off and onto a sippy of milk instead but it is so hard to deal with meltdowns! Especially when I am half asleep and in zombie mode all day. I fully intend to have Harper off a bottle and almost fully on milk within the next 23 days....it's going to be hard and probably very trying, but as a mom it's something I have to do. I know she hates the change as much as I do right now but one day I know I will look back and think why can't it still be that easy?

The other day I was wiping Harper's snotty nose (another thing I claimed my child would never be was a snotty nosed, dirty fingernail baby...ha!) she was squirming around and I kept saying I'm sorry bug I have to and then something hit me, this little girl is my responsibility! It was a crazy feeling because for a while I hadn't thought of it like that. This little girl is going to grow up into the person I shape her to be. Every move I make and every word I say will be mirrored by her. It's a huge thing to realize someone's life and personality will all be shaped and molded by you...talk about pressure! I have to do things for her and with her that she probably won't like but I have to know what's best for her. I kind of felt like when did I become the mom that is supposed to  know the answer to every problem and be able to fix everything? It's crazy to think Harper will be coming to be for advice and guidance in her life and it's up to me to point her in the right direction.

It makes me sick when I see parents neglecting their kids to go out and have fun every night and weekend and would gladly trade a night of partying for a night in with their kid/kids. I know I go out and have fun but that is on occasion and not until I have fulfilled my duties as a mom. Young kids are so vulnerable and are being shaped everyday. When you aren't there for your kids, no matter their age, it will affect them. I feel like if you feel like partying and drinking is more important than your child then you don't deserve to be a mom or dad!

I've been a lot more opinionated on this topic lately and I feel like I've just been hostile towards everyone and everything lately. It's because I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions without any rest. I am officially going to school full time as well as working two jobs everyday. Now that I am writing this out, I feel like maybe this is part of the reason why Harper has been so clingy to me...I am always so busy and I feel like I never see her anymore. I have school work every night, along with laundry and cleaning up after Harper and myself and working until 5. I don't go in until 11:30 so most of the time my mornings are filled with doing chores too. I am just so drained and exhausted. I've been going to bed right after Harper lately and waking up just as tired as I was the night before. I really need a vacation! Being a mom and a fiance has been super hard lately because I feel like I can't focus on just one thing at a time. My mind is constantly going a mile a minute with all these thoughts like what homework is due? or what needs to be cleaned? and of course lately I can't go two minutes without thinking about Harper's birthday party and what I need to add to the ever growing list.

This week has been a hard one. It was full of transitions and new experiences. I know I need to slow down and enjoy more moments with Harper. I always try to remind myself that the "things" that are most important aren't actually 'things' at all, but memories and moments that I get to just be with my family and enjoy each other. I now know that juggling the many roles I have is going to take hard work and time to get used to. I also know that once I get there, it will all be worth it in the end.

Eye of the Tiger

Yes, I am referring to the Katy Perry song Roar. It might sound cheesy, but I am in love with this song and I feel like I can conquer anything when I hear it. The other day I was listening to it and I realized I am such a strong person (Not trying to toot my own horn or anything). I have been through so much in my short 22 years of life and I think I'm doing an okay job at living my life being the best I can be! I have been super stressed lately and emotional knowing that Harper's 1st birthday is lurking around the corner. As we all await this huge celebration I have come to realize my first year at mother hood is coming to an end. It has been such an amazing journey of learning. There have been tears, laughs, more tears, more laughs and even more tears. I think the year has been so trying on all of my relationships. It has been a year of learning who was truly there and who didn't really care. It made me appreciate others so much more, my parents especially. I have also noticed my priorities are completely different now.

Before, I would always put myself first before anyone. Now, Harper comes before anyone, including myself. I love that little girl more than life itself and I will do anything for her. She is my number 1 until the day I die. She has become my best friend. Harper is crazy! She already has an attitude problem and knows what she wants and how to get it! She's definitely not a baby anymore :( She is hilarious and smart too! I could go on and on about her all day.

I look at Harper sometimes when I put her down for bedtime and I think about how different life would be without her. I feel like my life would have no meaning. She just brings this light into my life that I cannot imagine living without it. It's because of Harper that I have to be thankful for all of my mistakes and all of the bad times in my life. Everything I have gone through has brought me to where I am today and I know it is exactly where I need to be.

I haven't posted in a while because I have been super busy! Work started and it's football season and to any cheer coach they know how busy I am. Next month will be full of firsts! My Harper is turning the big 1! and I start my first classes working towards my Bachelor's Degree. I am not looking forward to next month at all.

To me, next month will just confirm that my little 7 pound 14 ounce baby will be a big bad one year old who is WALKING btw! I have such mixed emotions about this. I am so excited because I love watching her grow and become a child and develop a personality and likes and dislikes, but I just wish she could stay this little forever. I love my morning cuddles and her sweet innocent smiles. Having Harper truly made me realize I need to cherish each moment.

I am also so nervous to go back to school. I have never gone to school as a mom. I don't know how I will split up my time evenly or how I will even focus on school work, but I know that going back to school is so important for me and for Harper. I want Harper to be able to see that her mom went to school and is successful and can provide for her with no problem. I want to give Harper the best of everything and without a college degree I know that will not happen. Speaking of being a good example to Harper, the latest struggle in the Hargadon-Kelly family is discipline. Harper has become this little hurricane of a baby and I don't even know how to begin to teach her no.

I want her to learn at a young age how to act because even though she is only 11 months old, I know that she understands me and what I say to her. I have always been big on having a well behaved and respectful child. I try teaching her no and I don't like that or I say "that's not ours" when she steals toys away from kids. I am a psych major so I know she has different developmental stages to go through and she probably doesn't understand why she shouldn't take toys away from someone, but she does need to understand that screaming at the top of her lungs for more food won't cut it with this momma. It's just hard figuring out how to teach these things to someone so young, but it can be done and I will do it. Definitely one of the first hard momma moments when you tell her no and she cries, with tears, and you have to stand your ground! So heartbreaking, but just like anything I do, I know it is what's best for her.

                                                       Our Sunday Funday last weekend!

                                                 Someone please tell me where my baby went??

                                                Such a diva! She loves sunglasses just like her mom :)

                                                                    Little Miss Attitude!