How it All Started

I decided to create a blog, because I love to write and I think over the past year, I have grown enough to share my experiences in hopes that I can give some new, young mom out there insight or hope to this crazy thing called motherhood.

I am a young mom. I was always supposed to be "young" when I had a baby but never 21 "young". I had plans. BIG plans. I was supposed to graduate community college then move to Sacramento with my boyfriend and one of my best friends and party my way through Sac State earning a Bachelor Degree and eventually my Master's in Sports Psychology. Then I would get my dream job and get engaged to my high school sweetheart and have a huge over the top wedding. Then we would buy a beautiful home and a puppy and then maybe then we would think babies. I had my life planned out to the T, because that's the type of person I am. was. I needed to have a plan for everything...not a girl big on surprises (unless flowers are involved).

I had always imagined and wanted to be a mom. I love kids and babies and all the cuteness that comes with them. But when I learned I would be a mom at 21 I was terrified. Before I go on, I would like to make a disclaimer that I am going to be super honest and tell everyone (if anyone even reads this) how I felt and what was going through my mind. Being honest through writing is how I get my emotions out. Back to how I found out I was pregnant.

I was 20 years old. I had it all...just got a new car, working on the perfect body (a 6 pack was in my near future), my high school sweetheart by my side and I just graduated community college with an AA in behavioral sciences. Step 1 of my future was done. I was waiting to hear back from my dream school, Sacramento State. Until then, I was having fun and doing whatever I wanted. But then, my period was late. "No big deal, it's always random" is what I kept saying, even though I knew I missed some of my pills and it was a definite possibility I was pregnant. My boyfriend, Gavin, knew I needed to take a test. If you ask us now he still says he knew the moment it happened. This was weird because I was like any girl, anytime anything was weird like I had a headache or a weird stomach ache, I was sure I was pregnant...but this time I was in denial. It was January 15 and we finally decided I was late enough to where I needed to take a test. So we went to the 99 cent store and got one. I will never ever forget the emotions I felt when I saw that second line slowly appear on that stick. I just walked into Gavins room and said "what do we do now?" and cried. I cried for everything I knew I would give up. I cried in Gavin's arms for what seemed like an eternity and the whole time he just held me and said "it's ok. I will take care of you". It didn't take long before we knew we were going to keep the baby. We could even come to think of abortion and we both realized we needed to take responsibility for our actions.

Fast forward to the week before the Super Bowl. Up until now I hadn't told anyone but my best friend Kim. I told her the day after I found out and she was so supportive and just listened to me. I was a hot mess! I was so stressed because I knew my parents needed to know and so did Gavin's. I also still hadn't seen a Dr. yet and wasn't sure I was really pregnant (as if all 4 tests could be wrong). So Gavin and I set the date...the weekend before the Super Bowl. We would tell my parents first and then his. I remember what I was wearing and what happened exactly as if it were yesterday.

I walked into my mom's room with Gavin and told my mom I needed to talk to her and dad privately. As soon as my dad walked in I burst into tears and said "I think I'm pregnant" the reaction I received was not what I expected! My dad just said it's okay and my mom was smiling. They thought something horrible happened and in my mind I was thinking this is horrible! But they told me that this baby wasn't made out of something bad......although yes I am young and not married, this baby was a product of the love I shared with Gavin and this baby was innocent so they could never be mad at the thought of a baby being born. They were disappointed and shocked at me, but they always made sure to remind me, the baby did nothing wrong and I should never feel any resentment towards it. My mom and I then discussed which doctor I should see and she was so supportive and helpful and it really took this huge weight I had been carrying off my shoulders. Up next, Gavin's parents. I was so nervous because I had no idea how they would react. It involved some tears but surprisingly nothing bad! It was such a blessing to have the reactions we did...it assured me that I had the love and support I needed to continue on with this pregnancy.

Over the next few weeks I started seeing a Dr. and finally accepting that I was pregnant. I was only about 6 weeks along when I found out. I had my first ultrasound and got to hear the heartbeat. That was when it sunk in. I was pregnant. There was another life growing inside me and it was solely my job to protect this baby and help it grow and develop healthy. It was an emotional struggle for me....I was excited but so scared. I knew this meant a whole new responsibility in life. I kept thinking about how my life was going to change. I cried a lot. And then, the day I had been dreading....I heard back from Sac State. I was afraid to look at what they would tell me. I was torn...I wanted to get in but at the same time I hoped I didn't because that would just solidify what I was trying so hard to ignore.
I got in. I got in to my dream school...part 2 of my plan. I cried. I cried harder than I ever cried before. I broke down and just felt at that moment that my life was over. I was so angry. Angry at myself for being stupid and at this baby who was ruining my life.

I could shake this anger and resentment. I would talk to God at night, I guess you could call it praying but it felt more like arguing. I finally accepted what had happened, I dont remember how or why but I just remember waking up one day thinking what's done is done. I had to take this time in my life and figure my shit out.I took it a day at a time. I knew that this baby wasn't ruining my life, this baby was in my life because of my choices and now there was nothing I could do but accept it.

It slowly got easier and on  May 9, we found out we were having a baby girl. Typing this brings tears to my eyes. I had wanted a little boy so badly but when they said it was a girl I broke into tears...tears of joy. I realized then that this little girl was going to be the best thing to ever happen to me. I immediately thought of how she would be my shopping buddy, my pedicure partner and my best friend. I suddenly had a whole new life plan and it seemed way better than the first. Finally I felt like I had gotten a hold on life again but boy was I wrong!

Gavin and I had only told our close group of friends before this time. I was a big freak about miscarriage so I made sure to wait to tell our friends until I was past the 3 month mark. It was slowly leaking out to others and by that time we decided to make it "FBO". You really find out who your friends are when this happened. All of a sudden people want to add you on FB just to stalk you and be nosy and you have people bad mouthing you. People looked down upon me like I was the scum of the earth for getting pregnant so young and out of wedlock. It hurt to hear mean things coming from people who I assumed were friends. People were so judgmental and it was hard. I already had an ongoing battle inside my own mind about this whole thing...I was scared, nervous and unsure about what to do. If people only knew. I decided to kill them with kindness. I kept my head held high and didn't let anyone know how their actions and words affected me. I truly think this made me a better, stronger person. It also tightened my group of friends up and I am so glad I have the ones who stuck by me!

At 9:30 p.m. on September 30, 2012 Harper Monroe Kelly was born. She was 7 pounds 14 oz of pure perfection. That was the moment I felt myself take a breath and think I did it. I made it through not only 9 months of throwing up, aching backs,mood swings, peeing every 5 minutes and all the joys of pregnancy, but 9 months of being judged, being stared at, being whispered about. I made it through one of the hardest times of my life. I had grown so much in those 9 months. I gained a back bone to stick up for myself and a thicker skin. I even gained a fiance :) Gavin and I are set to get married next July. Everything I went through was so worth it when I had Harper in my arms. She has brought so much joy into my life. As I start the countdown for her first birthday, I cannot believe how much she has grown up right in front of my eyes. I can't imagine ever thinking she was ruining my life or my life without her. She adds a richness to my life only a mother can understand. When I watch her sleep I can only think of the quote that goes "Let her sleep, for when she wakes she will move mountains". I know my baby will do big things in life. Anyone who has met my crazy, spunky almost 10 month old knows this is the truth.

Being a mom is the hardest, most exhausting thing I have ever done. I still get looks and probably whispers, people from high school probably still have their opinions but it's okay I have something they don't and that is the love from my daughter...the hugs and kisses and cuddles, the smiles and the giggles. I may not be going to a university, but I have a joy no one can take away from me and her name is Harper.