Almost daily I/we get compliments from people about how adorable Harper is and how lucky we are to have the perfect family and life. I appreciate the compliments on Harper because of course I think my baby is the cutest thing on this planet! But what really gets me is the part about having a perfect life. Our life is far from perfect and so is our relationship. People always tell me that seeing my family and I makes them want to have a baby and family of their own..that's awesome! But I always say no you need to wait. If people really understood what it meant to be a mom so young and how hard it really is, maybe they would rethink it for now.
First, Gavin and I do not have our own house. We live with his parents because living on our own is just too expensive and we wanted to be able to save for our wedding. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all his parents do for us, but it's hard knowing my daughter doesn't have her own room and we don't have a place for us to call our home. The three of us share a standard size bedroom and Harper sleeps in her pack and play. It can be a little tight and stressful when we don't have room for all of our stuff. I also always feel like I am in the way and taking up too much space because this is not my home it's Gavin's. This is the best option though because living on our own was way too expensive. When you take into account the bills, gas, groceries, diapers and other little unexpected things like medicine or car repairs, it left us with little to no money left over. There were times when Gavin and I were living on our own when we would have literally $0. It was so hard and stressful not knowing what the next day would hold. We have always had our family for support but its hard when you know you should be supporting your family and not someone else. We get help from the state. We do receive WIC which has been a big help to us because it pays for our formula and baby food for Harper. It was hard to accept this help because so many people look down upon people who get help from the government but we needed it and I am not ashamed anymore. It has helped us when we needed food for Harper and could not afford it ourselves. I don't care if I don't eat dinner as long as my baby has all the food she needs.
Second, our relationship is far from perfect. Having a baby adds a whole new dynamic to a relationship. You suddenly go from just having each other to having this whole other person as part of the mix. Of course, there is mine and Gavin's relationship and then there is mine, Harper's and Gavin's as well as our individual relationships with Harper. It can be so hard sometimes when you have been up all night with a teething baby and living in such close quarters with each other...can you say tension? Gavin and I have also made our fair share of mistakes in our relationship and we have been working on them, but with a baby it's hard to get that alone time you need for each other. We try to make the effort as often as we can to go out on dates or just have "us" time. There was also a time when I would give all my attention to Harper so when Gavin came home from work I was all out of attention to give. Gavin and I have plenty of arguments and problems like any other relationship, but that is how we grow as a couple. We learn to work through things and figure out new ways to handle certain situations. We have to remember to put aside our differences and work for the best outcome not only for our relationship, but also for Harper's sake.
If there is one thing I want people to know about my life is that it is far from perfect. I probably cry at least once a week if not more because I just get overwhelmed and stressed out. It is a hard thing to have a family and I wish people, especially young girls could see that. Having a baby isn't just cute clothes and pictures. It's waking up in the middle of the night, changing diapers, teething, colds, tantrums, bottles, and so much more. I love being a mom, don't get me wrong, but it's hard and not something anyone should want so young. I would never wish I never had Harper, but sometimes I wish she would have been born later on down the line for her own sake. It's scary not knowing when she will have her own room and house and if I will be able to save enough money for college for her. I only want the absolute best for Harper and I try my hardest to provide that for her but sometimes I doubt myself as a parent...am I really doing my best? Will she grow up and hate me for not giving her everything I could? Will she resent me for having her so young? These are thoughts I have daily along with many others like what college will she go to? When will I be able to give her her own room and bed? How am I going to pay for all of the things she will want as she gets older? Being a mom is a huge responsibility that not everyone is ready to accept. I just hope that people will see that behind the scenes my life isn't all smiles and rainbows...it's full of tears, stress, arguments, and worries.
I love Harper and Gavin with all my heart and I hope that through it all, they will always know that. I try my best to show them each and everyday. It gets hard when you get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, but I try and that's all I can do. If anything, I want Harper to grow up knowing how much her mom loves her, because she is my world. And babe, if you're reading this, just know that you are always my number 1! You are my rock and I love you so much.
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