The Struggle

Sorry for another Vegas reference, but while we were there, my friends and I would constantly joke about the struggle of keeping up with each other in heels and drinking a lot. It was a fun kind of struggle. But, since being home I realized I do have a struggle that is very real and not as fun as drinking and dancing in Vegas.

I feel like this blog was going to happen eventually but I guess since coming home from vacation I've been in a funk and it was hard to get back into my routine. I feel like this is the most open and honest I will ever be on this blog and I don't really know why I feel so compelled to share on such a public medium, but everything happens for a reason. Here goes nothing!

100 pounds. It was such a huge thing for me to reach 100 pounds in high school, so huge that my friends and I even celebrated me making it to triple digits! I felt so accomplished and proud to not be the 80 something pound girl anymore. Right before I got pregnant, I weighed 109 pounds. I was working out every day and had my ideal body. I was so lucky and even though I complained about my body, looking back I was so blessed. I was in amazing shape and I could literally wear whatever I wanted and not have to worry about looking fat. During my pregnancy, I gained about 30-35 pounds putting me in the ball park of 140 pounds the day I delivered Harper. I was super healthy during my pregnancy minus the occasional chili cheese fries or big mac cravings. I ate a lot of fruits and vegetables and tofu. So according to the Dr. I gained the perfect amount of weight and had a super healthy, complication free pregnancy.

I had always missed my pre-pregnancy body while I was pregnant and couldn't weight until I could exercise again. I assumed I would be back at my perfect body right away. I was wrong. I had to wait 6 weeks before I could exercise after Harper was born and trying to schedule some gym time with a baby isn't the easiest thing in the world. Since I had nursed for a little bit, and since most of the weight was really the baby and placenta and all that other fun pregnant stuff most of the weight melted right off. But, there were those few extra pounds leaving me a little bigger than before.I tried getting back into my work out routine but it just seemed impossible with the baby and working and being exhausted. I became so unhappy with my body. I felt disgusting and fat and ugly. I don't really know where or when it happened it just felt like one day I woke up and thought I am so unattractive. I know most people look at me and think I'm crazy and I'm skinny but to me, I'm the biggest I have ever been and I honestly don't know how to take it.

Now that Harper is older, I try to find time once she goes to bed, but honestly after working all day and staying home with Harper I'm ready for bed at the same time she is. Being a mom and working out is a lot harder than I thought and the moms who make it work get huge kudos from me because I just can't seem to figure it out yet. I struggle daily with my body image. I hate looking in the mirror and I hate getting dressed. I feel like this huge, nasty person and I don't want to be me. I cry in the shower sometimes or sometimes I avoid looking in the mirror altogether. Other times I look in the mirror and pinch my fat wishing it would just go away. I struggle daily with being in my own skin. I try to eat as healthy as I can and I do work out occasionally when I can find time. I know the real solution is to accept my new body. The body that produced this beautiful little girl of mine. I know it takes time to lose your baby weight but I just feel like it's taking too long. It seems like it should be off by now. I hate it and I wish I could learn to accept it, but honestly I don't know if I can.

My insecurity has affected me in a lot of ways. It has hugely impacted my relationship with Gavin and I feel so bad about it, but I just can;t help it. He tells me daily that he thinks I'm beautiful and I don't believe him. I know I'm not what I was when we met. I know my body is different. It has also put a huge dent in my self confidence. I used to be able to walk around with my head held high and now, I catch myself staring at the ground hoping no one will notice me. I also notice I am not as outgoing or friendly as I used to be. I just don't want anyone to notice me and my fat.

I know some of you are thinking well just work out or go on a diet. Trust me, it isn't easy when you work and have a baby and are about to go back to school for your degree. I never have time to go to the gym and when I do, I honestly would rather pick sleep because I am exhausted.

I don't mean to sound miserable because I'm not. I love my daughter and fiance and all the fun we have and I absolutely LOVE my job and am super excited about going back to school. I know life could be worse for me, but there is just one part of me that I feel is holding me back. I hope and pray and wish for the day when I can look in a mirror and be happy with what I see again or at least to just see what everyone else sees in me. But for now, all I see is something I hate and am disgusted by.

I didn't write this as a pity party or as a way to fish for compliments. I wrote it because I am trying to make my blog as real as possible and to show all aspects of being a mom. I also wrote it as a reminder to never judge a book by its cover. People can look at me and Harper and Gavin and think my world is perfect, in some ways, to me, it is and in other ways, it is completely broken.